Tate & Liar

Then, just when panic is starting to set in you manage to flee up the stairs .....

..... to discover wonderful images!

Yes, you can discover some spectacular things at the Tate if you know where to look. The roof is a pretty good place to start.

These are small sections of a massive original masterpiece called St. Ives

Porthmeor Beach from the Tate Gallery, St. Ives, Cornwall 1

Porthmeor Beach from the Tate Gallery, St. Ives, Cornwall 2

Pretty, isn't it? Such a marvelous combination of form and function, vibrant colours and that rarest of things, a completely original work.

So, the Tate, then?

Call me a boring traditionalist but I've always respected people for being able to do things I can't do, not things a flea-ridden baboon on drugs can do. I don't mind things being given a title, a title is an important feature of how your work works.

But when the exhibits come labelled not merely with title and author but a tract that tells you what it is, what it's made of, why it was made and what it represents ..... well, frankly, why bother exhibiting the thing at all. Why not just e-mail the explanation to everyone and leave at it that.

Maybe I don't understand (and, let's face it, with 10 O Levels, 5 A Levels, 2 NVQs, a BA (Honours) and a professional qualification I must be pretty stupid) but I thought you were supposed to form your own judgments. I am sure that the Tate has some redeeming features but I instinctively rebel against intellectual fascism; I do not take kindly to being told what to think!

Of course, that's just my personal prejudices, so, I also canvassed some other opinions. We asked a famous work of art and a famous child TV star what they thought:-

So, what did you think of the stuff at the Tate? The Scream reviews the Tate Gallery, St. Ives, Cornwall
Excuse me, little boy, did you find the exhibits a stimulating and uplifting experience? Did you enjoy the abstract geometry? Do you know what 'architectonic' means? Aren't you glad we brought you here instead of taking you surfing on Porthmeor? art Simpson reviews the Tate Gallery, St. Ives, Cornwall

Mind you, some people might still beg to differ. Well, most people, actually, but what the hell, you've got to laugh at life, haven't you? Otherwise you might as well be dead or, even worse, from Hayle.

If you want to tune into the Tate and find out what they've got up their sleeve next (it won't be snotty hankies, Tracey Eminem has already done that one), try:-


If you want you can make some suggestions for their next expedition. Some of the suggestions we have already received are:-

  1. A season of female nudes.
  2. A season of images of childhood.
  3. A season of the same stuff they normally exhibit.

Thus, so far you have a choice of:-

  1. Tits at the Tate
  2. Tots at the Tate
  3. Tat at the Tate


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