Helen Bristol [Continued from Injury Time ]
28 March 2003 12:32
Re: Get well soon
Last I saw was some other foreign stuff in the fridge. Not seen any Doom Bar recently, unless he has secreted it in the darkest, farest, most cobwebby corner of the cellar where only the desperate venture. Anyway, with Southwold ales its not just the magnificent beers but the ambience of the pubs ( referred to in CC's response to Winwaloe)
Youncpl ( my fingers have gone all dyslexic) You could always go for the symphony vote and wear a sling!
That's the whole point of East Angular ( as Hereward and Boudicea were both well aware). Invading forces, whether troops or law enforcement, had to cross what you now rightly describe as the US DMZ, but used to be just bog, before the Dutch got to grips with it. Not forgetting , of course, that the London Orbital has to be negotiated before even reaching the hinterland. Its possible to take the scenic route which could take days rather than hours but could be quicker if there is the usual huge snarl-up at Heathrow.
Apart from a fog warning this a.m. down the East coast ( which we count as being us even though we're 20-odd miles inland, because the fog always comes up the Waveney Valley) the weather is holding good. The sun at the moment is winning the battle and I have every confidence that I will be able to sit in the jungle this afternoon.
I thought all our fighters, etc had been sent to the Gulf but there still seem to be enough left to continue defending the locality from invasion from the West even if you made it across the DMZ.
PS I hope the RT are making sure you have all the Chicken Soup, Doom Bar and grapes that you want.
29 March 2003 09:58
Must be good pubs if you end up being whisked off to hospital in an ambience! Perhaps Ample Anorak could meet up with St. Winwaloe for a Southwold Drinking Deathmatch. You could record it for SSI and the RT could do a feature called Clash Of The Tight Ones!
It is a froggy morning in St. Ives today. I can hardly see by face directly behind my hand (or whatever the expression is). We collectively won bugger all in the Meat Draw last night (again!).
PS. Soupie has organised the Birdie Broth, I believe the Sonics will be acting as my Doom Bar runners down to the Slupe during the rugby. Oh, and apparently the Shauns have gone out to get some ointment for my grapes!
29 March 2003 17:25
From what you've said in the past, I doubt whether your Doom Bar will make it from the Sloop to Chez Kelly if the Sonics are conveying it. Never mind, you'll have the broth to fall back in.
Confidence can be soooo misplaced. Despite a promising start the sun lost its battle with the fog yesterday and it remained dreary and got colder. I s'pose I could have put on my thermals and sat outside, but it all seemed a bit pointless - sunbathing with no sun.
There's an article in today's Grauniad about the joys of holidays on the Cornish coast. The one I liked was at Portheras Cove, twixt St. Ives and St Just, where you could take a jaunt along the cliff path to the beach. Imagine doing that with the lilo, brolly, picnic and kids.' Though it does also extol the delights of the Tinners. Be prepared for even more visitors..........
I think AA quite liked the idea of the Southwold Drinking contest. It will be fine just as long as they don't try to take a short cut across the river to Wobbleswick avoiding the Bailey Bridge. I'm not fishing them out.
29 March 2003 18:06
Oh Lordy no, the Sonics are quite well practiced at Doom Bar handling. Possibly because always insist on doing 'live ammunition' practices. Not sure what they do with the surplus after the exercise though!
Don't even mention the threatened influx of emmets, please. Someone else (with a similar gallows humour) recently quoted an article in the Daily Dogpoo saying that foreign holiday bookings were down 70% and so they assumed that they would all be coming down here this Summer to take their misery out on us.
You know about Mardi Gras in Rio, New Orleans, etc.? Well, we were thinking of instituting a new festival of debauchery which will be called TGTG* and take place on a wet Tuesday afternoon on no particular date in February. Then, for a brief, magical, mystical moment the people of St. Ives will meet up and have a drink and a laugh and catch up with the news and scandal .....
..... mind you, for the other 364 days it will be Poo City.
PS. A propos of the battle of Wibbleswich, even though I have never met St. Winwaloe I suspect that typecasting will insist that when they come to the 'log across the river' Big Mac will be literaturely contracted to playing the role of Little John!
* Thank God They've Gone.
29 March 2003 18:23
30 March 2003 09:55
I couldn't agree more!
Oh well, it least your latest oeuvre was more interesting than watching England scraping past the Sudbury Paperboys XI last evening.
29 March 2003 18:27
Next year it'll be 365.Ha ha! Don't know why you grumble so much about the emmets...being only an honorary Ian yourself. Pots, kettles, black?
I had imagined the saintly one might walk across the river.... anyway who's been talking? He never (at least not while I'm around) wears a skir... sorry, kilt.
30 March 2003 10:00
Er, well, not it's not exactly because they are emmets per se, it's just that large amounts of emmets seem to revel in being ignorant, uncouth, obnoxious, rude, uncaring, arrogant and unpleasant. To paraphrase an Ani Di Franco song, we've got to
Watch out for these people
Because I think they want to shoot us
Or maybe they're having some sort of competition
To see who can be the rudest
Not sure about the relative noir-ness of the pot and kettle argument either. Your logic seems a tad specious. On the grounds that I can't grumble about emmets because I am one, does that mean that you are in favour of the war in Iraq because that's been started by humans and you are one?
PS. I thought Robbing Hood and his Boisterous Blokes wore tights, not skirts (or kilts).
PPS. Disproportionate Duffelcoat's gone awfully quiet again. He's not fallen in the river, has he?
30 March 2003 11:34
As to Robbing Hood ........who knows, they were the figment of someone's fevered imagination from Nottingham and points east.
No, just very busy and, poor thing, he has got a cold. My sister brought one back from the Antipodes and she came to stay 2 weeks ago. Also BM's son's girlfriend brought one with her last weekend when offspring and respective girlfriends came over for Sunday lunch. Not much chance of escaping, but I'm still fighting it off.
Glad the other emu was so riveting!
30 March 2003 16:08
But what are podes? And why are Australians so opposed to them?
It's a mystery that not even the few Horsetralians I've met have ever been able to explain.
Good luck with the anti-germs (did you know either the auto-correct or, more likely, I typed that out as 'anti-germans'. Froodian or what?) regime. I know what it is to suffer from gratuitous inherited relatives. It brings to mind the old krikkit story of a hapless slip fielder who let a low chance go begging
"Sorry, Skipper, should have kept my legs closed".
"Too late", he replied, "Your mother should have done that"!
PS. England just stuffed the Irish in the rugby, entire Reporting Team busy organising mule trains to ship adequate supplies of alcohol to Jelly Mansions. Dressings come off tomorrow so I need the extra anaesthetic!
31 March 2003 10:18
's obvious, from the Greek pous, podos (it would take too long to use the Greek script) meaning foot. So they are against yards, feet and inches (Imperial measurements to you and me) Therefore it is a pro-republican movement.....I think. Your friends from down-under would naturally deny all knowledge of it as they are supposed to be loyal to the Crown, Duke's Head or Wombat and Roo.
Think I'm losing on the anti-germ front.
Keep us posted about the severed digit. There was an instance of misspelling quoted by one of the consultants when a junior medic had written that a patient was suffering from a "sever head (ache) sic"
31 March 2003 15:32
Maybe, they are just against feet generally.
If they were as sore and sweaty as mine after my latest expedites I certainly wouldn't blame them.
Don't let the germs grind you down. I have discovered a perfect antidote .....
..... you drink copious amounts of alcohol during the day and so crash out for the night. Yes, you wake up the next morning feeling terrible but that's the beauty of it! If you're full of illness you're going to feel like crap the next morning anyway, so, in effect, you've had a good sesh without accumulating unnecessary suffering.
01 April 2003 12:08
They have. I really didn't feel like getting up this a.m. ( nothing to do with your advice which incidentally worked until about 5a.m.) but I thought I had a new window cleaner starting today and felt I ought to be presentable when he arrived. Staggered into the shower etc. etc. By now he's 1 hour late and light is beginning to dawn that "next Tuesday" meant 8th and not 1st. Hope this isn't his idea of an April Fool. I'm not laughing. I could have stayed curled up nice and cosy with MC.
I shall now go and wallow in self pity until Androo gets back from the wilds of Essex.
PS. How's the dangling digit?
PPS. I jumped the gun a bit - he was just running late! Haven't had the windows cleaned for eons and the day I get them done it rains.
01 April 2003 16:29
The offending digit appears to be reasonably re-attached which means that I am back in the Slave Pits on Friday with a Saturday split followed by the icing on the dog turd, the quarterly artyfartys' bash on Sinday [sic]. If only art imitated death instead of life!
PS. I presume that it was the windy-cleaner and not BM who burst in on you in 'flagrante delicto' with the ol' fleabag.
PPS. St. Winwaloe has just (briefly) resurfaced. Not sure about the current status of the 'walking on water while turning it into wine' project but at least he appears to have learned how to float!
01 April 2003 17:19
Well someone's got to calm the old boy's nerves when there are strangers on ladders about.
Just been signed off for another 2 weeks. I've got to go and be seen by an Orthopod. Hope I don't have to wait 4 weeks for that appointment, but being in the business I should get fast-tracked as they want us workers back at the coalface asap.
I wasn't aware that his saintliness had been submerged. Did he just pop up to the surface or drink his way clear? I thought he was more about water-into-ale
01 April 2003 20:05
A gastropod? Isn't that a snail?
Good luck, just remember to take a tub of salt with you just in case it gets too intimate!
PS. No more (burbled) rantings from the proto-saint since the last edition. Maybe he is finding the qualification course tad testing. Honestly, the youth of today! No wonder the modern age doesn't have the miracle output of the middle ages. When, you see the material he/she/it's got to work with no wonder not even god can get positive results!
PPS. Good luck with the spine. You can have mine if it does you any good (it certainly doesn't do me any).
02 April 2003 11:25
I thought a gastrobod was someone who enjoys food, which could well include snails if you like that sort of thing, with or without salt.
I think you're being too judgmental. Anyone working towards cannonisation won't go around telling everyone what he/she's done just incase we all think he/she is barking. They wait for someone else to exclaim "It's a miracle" and then halos and the St. prefix.
Thanks for the offer. I'd need to inspect it to make sure its in good condition and the right size. After all you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it. If it was OK we'd have to take you off any kitchen duties involving salt!
02 April 2003 15:28
Tsk, tsk, you know that I am the very soul of toleration!
Still, you might be right about waiting to see if Winwaloe comes up with the goods. On the other hand what a coup for SSI it would be if we beat the vatican to the next canonisation. You never know, once he's earned his halo maybe he will go forth into the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights and come back with a cure for back pain (or at least a good bottle of liniment!).
Let us pray .....
02 April 2003 16:00
Amen to that........
I thought he'd done the 40 days and 40 nights bit when he went out onto Dartmoor or Bodkin, wherever. Wasn't that shortly before he sank from view? If he manages the water-into-wine trick he could go onto lead-into-gold and then we could all give up work buy up SI, build the Great Wall of Cornwall and plunge ourselves into an emmetless life of hedonism.
With all these days off have you been taking the RT to places of interest to further their education? You mentioned that you felt you ought to be doing something of the sort. It must cramp their style a bit with you around all day.
PS All quiet on the Outsize Anorak front - he's lost his voice - sounds more like one of the blue-chinned frogs in the pond, or a 14 year old PFY.
02 April 2003 18:46
I have been doing some investigating and expediting. The problem is that you really need to do things twice: once to establish where everything is and then again to be able to record it with reasonable detail. 4 egg sample, I walked the coast path from SI to Z, there and back, twice, before I was able to do the thing justice. This means that I have spent most of this week in the missionary position (if you pardon the metaphor) wearing my best investigating feet (now violently throbbing in the dusk) so that in the unlikely event that I get any more time off I will be able to lay the info eggs.
Do you think I am being too hard on the ems?
In the cold light of day I think I have been .....
..... in the white hot heat of the working day it is sometimes difficult to give them 'the benefit of the doubt'.
Oh yes, Cornwallshire has more than its fair share of f***wits, I won't deny it. But, at least, they are local imbeciles who are justified in their presence and attitude on the grounds that (1) they don't know any better and (2) they live here. When someone turns up from Lunding or wherever with a personal income greater than the GDP of Cornwall but the inability to shut the door after them/say 'please' or 'thank you', etc. it does get on your tits.
Of course, as a Backtickler of Arts (Horrors) in Hysteria I am naturally drawn to the past but the really sad thing is that even in my short 'wheni' existence down here I have already seen a shrivelling of what few were left of the 'old lags'.
The past is not what it used to be!
PS. Ozzy Osbourne (he of the 'Living With The Osbournes' prog) was once arrested for urinating on the wall of the Alamo. The quote from the Texas policeman who ran him in was along the lines of "When you piss on the Alamo you piss on this nation'.
I tend to have much the same feelings about this place.
03 April 2003 14:30
There's always a BUT isn't there. I guess SI is similar to Lowestoft in many ways. I find it fascinating listening to the stories some of my patients can tell.
Don't s'pose you ever have time to watch Timeteam. It irritates the hell out of me with only 3 days to do a dig. Anyway they are planning the Big Dig later this year and the intrepid Sir Mortimer Macdonald has registered Poho Acres for a dig. Trouble is I think the site where the pit will be sunk will be in the middle of what I had hoped by then to be a newly seeded lawn. Not a bonzer idea really. I've already got back to 1825 (Land Act) with the history of the site but now I've got to go to Norwich to look at old maps. The last time I was about to do it there was a rather devastating fire in the library but a beautiful new edifice has arisen, phoenix like, from the ashes. I suppose now would be as good a time as any to do some sleuthing.
Talking of the lawn - I had a chap (ex-military type) here yesterday to discuss redesigning the back garden. Hugely underwhelmed. I don't take too kindly to being patronised. You could almost here the "little lady" at the end of his sentences. His opening gambit was along the lines that it would cost £Ks with the implication that I couldn't afford it - too damned right, but I didn't need him to tell me. He obviously didn't want the job but agreed to send me a quote for some of the work. Not a good listener either, which is a bit of a handicap when you're trying to find out what someone wants done.
Its doing April showery things today, they bring the flowers that bloom in May.
03 April 2003 17:24
To my internal [sic] shame I have not seen the last batch of Time Teams. I'm a big fan of it because it features (1) real people, (2) real history and (3) real history people with an attitude. Long may it continue.
Malheuresement, I have discovered that one of the unadvertised pitfalls of shi(f)twork, as in the Slave Pits is that days can go past when all you have the strength to do is work and sleep and, so, before you know it, one of the few things worth watching on TV has escaped you before you even got to read the TV guide.
I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about your encounter with Colonel Blimp (CO of the 2nd Regiment Queen's Gardening Cavalry). Agree entirely with your reaction but I believe that the only suitable response is to communicate in their own terms and unleash unspeakable violence upon people of these ilk. Which is why the normally peace-loving Canadians spend so much time shooting ilk and even more peace-loving Swedes run the ilks over with their Volvos and then try to conceal the evidence in their freezers (you might need Capacious Cape to explain the latter bit of that).
PS. If your library has arisen Phoenix-like does that mean it's now in the middle of Arizona? Hell, London Bridge is!
PPS. Forgot to ask after your previous communiqué, what's a 14 year old PFY?
03 April 2003 19:54
PFY = pimply faced youth i.e. one who's voice is breaking
know about the ilks. He does speak to me occasionally!
You and all the others who work in slave pits of one kind or another. Haven't you discovered the joys of video?
I've just been buzzed by some EXTREMELY low level flights - well below the admitted 1500ft. god I don't know how the Iraqi citizens can cope- I'd be terrified.
05 April 2003 09:21
Videos, what they?
Actually, I have got one the point was that not that I can't set a video but rather that by the time I discover the existence of a prog worth watching it has been and gone. Also, one of the drawbacks of shiftwork (espec. when busy) is that you tend to lose track of what day of the week it is. Besides, I'd probably never get the time to watch what I'd recorded anyway.
PS. I think that the Iraqis console themselves with the thought that if the Yanks are aiming at them then they are probably safe. Not so sure about your position though. It might be wise to send BM down to Scudulike to purchase a DIY home defence SAM kit.
05 April 2003 11:39
Nasty! I can't get to grips with our new one as its all complicated buttons and timer and never switches itself on when it should.
Scudulike were all out of the SAM kits, and duct tape and plastic sheeting - the latter probably because the local Rotarians have bought up a job lot to send overseas in their emergency boxes. They did suggest I tried using the carboard tube from a kitchen roll, any left-over fireworks and some sticky-backed-plastic instead, and I should ask a grown-up (what they?) to light the blue touch paper.
Currently they're ( RAF/USAF) seem to be doing the high-level raids again, but no doubt will be back to the low down stuff about tea time. I suppose when all this aggressive stuff is over the flying aces will have to be content with fooling about over the local schools and playing fields.
I wish dis buddy cobd wud go away
05 April 2003 15:43
I'm sure I ought to be able to come up with some appalling flu/flew based pun for your cold and air force related problems. Actually, I can't because my (alleged) brain won't work. On all day and night today followed by brekky, lunch and the artyfarty's quarterly buffet tomorrow. Back in the slave pits in an hour and trying (and currently failing miserably) to get the weekly update done.
I'll speak to you either next week or from the afterlife depending on how badly the next 36 hours go.
PS. Tell BM I will get round to his cheese when I can but haven't got the time or energy to squeeze another new thread into the e-mails. Next issue, no doubt.
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