(emerges briefly from behind protective beard.....)

 

Either a)  Professor Stanley Unwin has just contacted you from the other side, or

 

           b) she's been drinking Canada Dry.

 

I don't know  when pensions day is St Ives or if you've ever been in Tesco on pension day, but here it's Thursday, and going into Budgens on a Thursday is taking your life in your hands.  You are constantly getting rammed in the back of the legs by shopping trolleys and butted by little old men who seem to think that because they are about 103 they have an inalienable right to stamp on your feet prior to going straight to the front of the queue where they will spend about twenty minutes counting out £17.36 in small change to pay for the shopping, which usually seems to consist of four packets of lard, a bottle of Glen Ulan Bator 2 week old Mongolian whisky and a tin of Chum.

 

Only yesterday I had to jump for my life to avoid being run down by an member of the Provisional Tuesday Ladies' Luncheon Club with a laden trolley and a tee shirt saying "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, because I'm the meanest motherf[****]r in the valley".  This town, eh?

Yes, well they did fight in two world wars for us, you know.

 

Although, it would also to be fair to point out that their generation did actually start the two world wars in question, whereas today's bunch of slackers can barely manage a one-sided skirmish in a desert!

 

Still, can't sit here and 'talk shite' all day (see this week's updates), got to write and promulgate a thesis on the manifest benefits of economic migration.