The Wrong And Whining Road

Helen Bristol [Continued from Dropping A Clanger ]

31 May 2003 12:00

Re: Eye spy strangers

Toys for boys!  Mind you it caused quite a stir when I drove it to work.  Not much boot space so BM had to borrow my car for a delivery.
Now tell me, when have I ever called you mad?  Unless of course that telepathy thingy's kicking in again.
They've done it again.  Spotted a Shaun in town today.  Not even a wave of recognition.  Are you sure both of them were driving yesterday?

Vile Jelly

31 May 2003 15:41

Oh, I definitely know that they deploy Decoy Shauns for fear of Welsh, New Zealanders, etc.
They've even had Decoy Shauns made into rucksacks and get unsuspecting humans to carry them round to further confuse potential sheep abusers!

Helen Bristol

02 June 2003 13:56

Can't imagine any other reason a person would want to go about with a sheep on her back, unless its a coat.
PS Not a lot happening here today.  Yesterday we went to the local Country Fair which in all honesty wasn't much cop.  A bit like a glorified church fete in the vicarage garden (in church hall if wet - which it was).

Vile Jelly

02 June 2003 15:12

We have the Royal Cornwall Show up in Wadebridge, though I've never been there myself.
It's due to kick off this week I think. I'm sure something about Princess Anne opening it (or maybe she'd won best of breed).

Helen Bristol

02 June 2003 15:53

Well yes, we also have the Royal Norfolk Show and the Suffolk Show, but this thing was a local one. At least at the county shows you get animals to look at and interesting demos. The best one yesterday was a guy who does chainsaw carving.  BM gave me one of his owls for Valentines day (at least I think it was from him!) It stands about 2ft high on a lump of wood.  The dog obedience class did one of those obstacle courses which was quite funny, especially when various pooches decided b****r this for a game of soldiers and went of and did their own thing.
The Norfolk Show is huge and tiring so we don't go any more, especially since the freebie tickets dried up.  Want to go to the Suffolk Show next year.  Its a more bijou event and thus more manageable.  I haven't been to that since '89 when the late Mr B. landscaped one of the stands.
Lowestoft has an annual Airshow so I take the  2 days off work.  I can't work with all that noise.
Eye (yes there really is a place called Eye) has a show around August bank holiday which really I can take or leave.
PS BEST of breed?  What ever are the others like? 

Vile Jelly

02 June 2003 21:56

Must admit, I never got on much with these sort of outdoor extravaganzas. Mainly because the beer tent always seems suspiciously squelchy underfoot!
How do you landscape a stand? I though they were just made of scaffolding and planks.
PS. Actually, I think PA won best impression of a gurnard's head.

Helen Bristol

03 June 2003 08:52

Not so.  It was for a nationally reknowned (or notorious) building firm.  They wanted their logo in flowering plants, a paved area with cafe tables and chairs and the tented bit with potted plants.
You could always avoid the beer tent!

Vile Jelly

03 June 2003 12:55

Ponce-ess Anne.
PS. If I avoided the beer tent what would be the point of the whole event?

Helen Bristol

03 June 2003 17:29

Careful what you say about her most royal highness.  She's the patron saint of my profession.
On my way home from beautiful down town Lowestoft this afternoon, I tweaked the cats whisker on my in-car entertainment centre and, oh joy, oh bliss, Steve-Wright-in-the-Afternoon was extolling the virtues of that renowned holiday destination - Cornwallshire.  Especially Falmouth (hello sailor), Newquay (sea, surf and......) and (you've guessed it) St. Ives.  So that should swell the numbers this summer.  I knew you'd be pleased. You may wish to emu him to thank him for the much needed promo.
The point my dear Jelly is to broaden your horizons not your beer gut. On the sinister side perhaps the beer assists seeing the world from a different perspective.....................  who am I to judge?

Vile Jelly

04 June 2003 14:14

But if I broaden my horizons then my brain will continue to function and I'll never be able to blend in with the ems!
Besides, if I don't constantly drink beer how will I be able to maintain my jelly status?
Princess Stan is the patron saint of everything, even the St. Ives lifeboat is named after her for some unfathomable reason. Nice work if you cab get it.
PS. Cheers for the glad news from Radio Toot. Maybe I'll e-mail Wrighty and see if I can get him to make Spooky St. Ives website of the day. That'll put them off!

Helen Bristol

04 June 2003 15:27

That sounds a bit like fear and loathing in SI.  If you are so anti-em why on earth would you want to blend in with them ................
 ...................unless, of course, my original theory is correct - that you're really an a fifth columnist. ( No, I haven't been watching too much TV)
You're the one who's always banging on about how bright you are, you work it out.
Ah well, its stopped raining now so I'm off outside to unblock the drain and drain the small lake that has formed along the side of the house.  Don't want the ol' mud hut to slide into oblivion.

Vile Jelly

04 June 2003 15:42

Ah, but every time I take up arms against a sea of emmets I am accused of being 'youknowwhat'. So, if I am expected to adjust to them I will need at some point to lower myself to their standards.
Hence, the need to have no brain is a bit of a no-brainer!
PS. I never said I was bright, I just said I was excessively educated. There is a difference.
If I was bright do you think I would be festering in the dank gloom of the Sloop Slave Pits and trying to amuse/abuse myself with this tatty little website? I'm sure if I was bright I'd be doing a lot better.
PPS. Tried e-mailing Radio Twit-Two but they're all out. Or, leastways, I got an automated message saying "Thanks. We're out. We'll be back on Friday to read your message". Now, THEY must be bright!

Helen Bristol

04 June 2003 17:11

As an Emmett I am extremely proud of my low standards.  It  has taken a long time to hone them to the level of perfection that will really piss people off.  It seems it was time well spent!
Point taken.  Even I can understand the differentiation you are making.  Educated in excess of what? 
Thought of another use for the nettles - physical flagellation to add to the verbal whipping you give yourself.  Stop moaning.  If you were bright you'd DO something about it if you're so dissatisfied with the hand fate has dealt you.

Vile Jelly

05 June 2003 09:14

You're right, of course.
I shall immediately go forth to seek my fortune.
Don't wait up for us.

Helen Bristol

06 June 2003 16:53

I had no intention of doing so, you're a big boy now, you can put yourself to bed.  Anyway I need my beauty sleep. 
Are you expecting us to come looking for you if you've been some time?
May have to do the same for BM.  He's been summoned to Southwold.  Oh, the hardship of it.  He'll be forced to have the odd pint or three at the Harbour Inn/Nelson/Sole Bay/wherever.  Good thing I got my supplies in.

Vile Jelly

06 June 2003 21:18

Well, I didn't get very far ..... which is to say that I didn't find any fortune and apparently the Reporting Team have already amassed theirs.
See this week's update (when I do it) viz. Winwaloe's latest oeuvre.
PS. They had some (only one) Adnams beer at the fest this year (again see update when it is promulgated). Wasn't too shabby although I have no idea where it stands in the Adnams pantheon. Mayhap BM can enlighten us when he manages to drag himself back from the fleshpots of the Southwold.

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