Curiouser And Curiouser - E-Mail correspondence with Spooky St. Ives

Andrew Macdonald [continued from Teuton Karma! ]

25 June 2003 08:29

Re: Competition

If that's not two words, you can show me the way to the next whisky bar!

No problem - the amanuensis seems quite happy to sit outside and wait with a bag of crisps and a lemonade. You should know, you've got a whole team of them.

By the way, do they have very big white mice at Lands End, or are the younger sons of tyro saints by nature very small? Just curious. Oh, and Adnams stays where it belongs - East Angular. Can I get a pint of Doom Bar hereabouts? Can I hell.

Right, the Competition.

Apologies for the delay, due to the time taken to draft the extremely complex rules, essential to ensure even-handedness and transparency. Negotiations with the lawyers to ensure compliance with all relevant EC directives was also more time consuming than envisaged. (An expenses claim is on its way to Jelly Towers as we speak)

The Competition.

Design a flag or coat of arms for (Ex?) St? Winwaloe. Remember that as well as attempting to get the gig as Patron Saint of Cornwall, he already has a day job as Patron Saint of Paludiers. Don't forget, too, the red pinny, the loaf of bread and the curtain rod.

The Rules.

20 Nothing to do with us, Guv. Must have been the other bloke.

All clear? Good!

Prizes will be awarded. Probably. As soon as the Reporting Team can get around to mugging someone with a suitably well stuffed wallet to fund them. Any lawyers in town?

Vile Jelly

25 June 2003 10:13

A bag of lemonade and a glass of crisps? The RT only drink beer (apart from Soupie, who usually has a G&T) and in vast quantities. Hence my state of perpetual impoverishment. Even worse they make me sit outside the pub and do the scribing while they have a good time.

The competition rules seem a tad complicated. Wouldn't it be better if we dropped 15 to 18 and merged 7, 8, 11 and 13. And we could put them in such small print no one can make them out (and thus hold them against us). Oh, I see, you already did.

Is Winwaloe allowed to enter the compo?

Talking of which, the RT have decided to put him back on probationary saint status, at least until he comes clean about the 'white mouse' incident. Personally, I suspect that it was really the White Rabbit from Alice in Westpenwithland. The similarities between A in W and life in St. Ives are just too strong to be coincidental.

Andrew Macdonald

27 June 2003 09:28

I think it is probably too late at this stage to amend the rules of the competition; the omission of rule 16 would in any case completely negate the clause in rule 8 about cases where entrants may have received assistance via divine intervention, and would also call into question the section on the probability of porcine aerial activity in rule 14.

Any merging of the rules would I think only lead to confusion. However in the interests of clarity and fair play, rule 20 has been amended in accordance with your suggestion and is below:

20 Nothing to do with us, Guv. Must have been the other bloke.

The competition is open to all, so Winwaloe is welcome to enter - he just won't win. (see notes on rule 8 above)

Vile Jelly

27 June 2003 15:36

I shall look forward to the entries as they flood in.

Should we put in a closing date or just wait until we actually get an entry?

Andrew Macdonald

27 June 2003 16:14

Look, if I've sweated blood and Adnams drawing up the rules, you might at least read them. I thought rule 18 was quite clear about the closing date, and I confidently predict that your inbox will be positively bulging within hours of the start of the competition, whenever that is.

Vile Jelly

27 June 2003 16:12

Now.

PS. Nothing in so far!

Andrew Macdonald

27 June 2003 16:19

And another thing

And can you ask Winwaloe to name names in his critique of eateries in St Ives, just so we know. Bet he never went to the Saucy Chef, or perhaps that was the exception.

Vile Jelly

27 June 2003 16:19

Believe me, I've been trying but the incident with the White Mouse/Rabbit seems to have traumatised him and he just keeps claiming that he has been seeing things (in Barnoon Cemetery).

We'll just have to hope he heads to the SSI Confessional some time soon.

Andrew Macdonald

27 June 2003 19:02

Re: And another thing

Slippery Eel syndrome?

Vile Jelly

27 June 2003 21:57

Quite possibly, his mind always seem to be wandering whenever he mentions that particular subject.

No doubt his eyes were cast elsewhere when the white mouse/rabbit incident occurred.

Andrew Macdonald

27 June 2003 19:03

Re: Competition

Got a winner yet?

Vile Jelly

27 June 2003 21:59

No, but we've got a whiner.

Don't worry though, because Helling is currently beating him into shape.

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