Apocalypse Now ..... Please!

Gill Richards

29 July 2003 12:51


Have you ever thought of putting one of those counter thingies on your website to count how many people visit? It occurred to me that you mostly speak to the same three people, but i always visit when you've updated to see what's been said during the past week. It's a bit like an upmarket (!?) soap opera. What will happen to Winwaloe's merchandise, will Helling ever master Sumo and will BM ever stay at home for more than 10 mins to mail you? Just last week you had more mails to prove there's life outside SSI and the Sloop, see we love you really.

On the topic of the great divide, can i suggest that you make the move during September or October? Most of the emmets will have left by then and those that stay can either be persuaded that something awful will happen or they can't be so bad anyhow, as they are there out of season. Leave it as late as possible and the stocks of Doom will have built up and the decent food will be around again as the need for pasties and chips will have abated.

By the way les parents have been with you for the past 2 weeks and have dined at your establishment a good few times, always a good report and Pop likes his real ale, so many a swift pint downed when he's out for a loaf of bread! I'm hoping to twist the other half's arm to visit later this year, in the cold and rain when emmets are at their best (ie not there), we'll visit for brekky and partake in some ale, (not at the same time, but something to be considered......)

Vile Jelly

29 July 2003 16:11

There is one (unless I am the only one who can see it) lower down the front page under the Menu. At present it is indicating that since its inception there have been more hits than a gang war in Chicago in the 1930's (23,564 to be precise).

Glad you're enjoying the soap opera but don't blame BM, H & W if they are the only ones who can be bothered contributing to the site. I've published every e-mu sent to us (good and bad) and given people the Readers' Rants Section so that they can vent their spleen to their heart's content (if that isn't anatomically impossible). If no one else cares to contribute then they can't complain if it's down to the RT, BM, H & W to keep the plates of interest wobbling on the poles of stagnation.

PS. Late September/early October, barring weather disasters (such as we are currently experiencing in the back end of July!) is usually prime time for the discerning.

Gill Richards

30 July 2003 10:56

So there is, i obviously only go for the new stuff. Not a bad number, for a
site that only talks s***e - see you even get bad mails!! I don't blame them at all, it's the people who don't talk to you i blame, don't they realise it's a lonely life, sitting in front of a pc all day waiting for someone to talk to you. Good job you're not like that isn't it? I think the RT should pull their fingers, hooves, trotters out a bit more though. The only time we see them is when you're off on a walk and they're hitching a lift, you don't even get an easy day there! And they seem to be drinking your beer...... Course they'll complain now..

Would life be easier for you if it was v. hot and sunny like before the hols? Do emmets tend to stay on the beaches where they belong and not pester you for food? You'd think all the rain would put them off wouldn't you, but they keep coming back!

PS i shall put that info away where squirrels hide their nuts and use it to my advantage.

Vile Jelly

30 July 2003 12:02

The RT is currently cowering under my bed in terror as not only the town but also the house (the wrinklies do a small occasional b&b) is infested with children, who, as you know, are the most vicious of predators when it comes to cuddly peoples!

They are even staying out of the pubs (or so they claim).

Of course, there is also the possibility that, while VJ is incarcerated 24/7 in the Slave Pits that they have set up their own website for non-humans. I know Helling says Catto Macho keeps fiddling with her computer so maybe he knows something we don't!.

PS. To be honest I don't think rain or shine makes much difference to the tsunamis of emmets. They'd probably still come down here even if there had been an outbreak of bubonic plague and nuclear war had been declared!

Gill Richards

30 July 2003 12:25

Poor little cuddlies!!! I know all too well the nastiness of small people when it comes to cuddly peoples. They don't give two hoots about sticky fingers, floor dragging and worse, sticking in mouths. That is why we have a child free house. They are also very dangerous to CM and his like. My own fluffy family run a mile at the first 'goo' and don't come out until all is quiet again. Mind you i'm like that too.

I expect they are. Parents seem to loose all control over bedtime on holiday and children are allowed to stay up until all hours.

It is always a possibility, specially if they're feeling a bit cooped up. How would they keep it invisible from humans though?

A good way to get rid of a load i think. tell them it's the best place to see the blast and they'll come down in droves!

Vile Jelly

31 July 2003 08:23

A cunning plan with only one minor drawback ..... we'd all get mushroomed too!

Admittedly, at this time of year we'd probably all be grateful to be vaporised but I do worry that such an occurrence might adversely affect the long-term prospects for the local community. Mind you, in light of recent trends I'm not sure that they've got much by way of long-term prospects.

Oh, what the hell, best to get it over with. Ring Dubya and tell him Osama, Saddam and the WMDs are all hiding out in St. Ives and the only way to eliminate them before they escape is to launch the big bombs.

I shall take my Blondie cd into work today and play 'Atomic' and 'Fade Away And Radiate' while we await our release!

Gill Richards

31 July 2003 09:55

Surely recent trends mean you'll get more visitors, it worked this year didn't it? SARS, BA, Iraq have all contributed to the hoards staying in Britain. Some other well timed catastophe next year will do the trick.

I have put the call into Dubs so await the international announcement and the interesting speech (btw do you watch Dead Ringers on a monday night, the Bush take off is great). Enjoy your Blondie, don't let it depress you - it'll remind you of your age if nothing else- mind those knives!

Vile Jelly

31 July 2003 15:36

Well, not exactly.

Point being that all these disasters brought in hordes (the only hoards down here belong to the pub/restaurant barons) of emmets because they were happening elsewhere.

PS. Too late with the knives. Oh well, at least it's a way of losing weight.

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