Dear Mr. Vile Jelly, Sir,

 

I am sorry that I did not meet you at St. Ives.  Helling and BM were very cross with me for not staying at home with CM, but wen I told them why they were very understanding.  I did so want to meet your Reporting Team but wen I saw all those people in St. Ives I got very fwightened, I'm not used to having so menny people around me. There are not menny people in the North Sea. 

 

Helling and BM took me to France with them to help me get over my frite in St. Ives.  I didn't have a passport, like they hev, but I hev never needed one before and I go to the French seaside places lots of times.  They didn't take me to the restaurant in Barfleur as they thought it might upset me if I happened to see one of my friends on someone's plate.  It is a sensitive area so we tend to ignore it and hope no one gets upset. Trubble is, Helling is very fond of sea food.  Don't know why she doesn't stick to plankton or seaweed.  How would she feel if I said I like eating Pauls or Andrews? 

 

What I thought I could do is to write you some pieces from here if that is all right.

 

I'm filing my first piece:

 

Ale to the Chef  (I got that from your Spooky St. Ives website)

 

A well know chef at  the Sloop Inn is often heard (or can be read about) complaining that Ants don't mind their P's and Q's and never praise his high standard of quizzine.  My informant ( Helling says she has to remain anonymous otherwise you'll know who my informant is) tells me that as recently as last week not one but two People praised the meal that they had. One of them was so pleased with his repast that he (now this is the spooky bit) even bought the aforementioned chef a pint of Doom Bar. No mention was made of any Ants saying they liked their meals nor indeed of them buying ale for the Jelly Chef.  My informant says that there are some Ants who do not think of themselves as real Ants, but as Welcome Visitors and that they are allowed to give the Chef beer.  The Reporting Team have confirmed that Ants and Visitors are very welcome to gets the rounds in and they will ALL be there next time to join in the celebrations.   

 

 

PS Say Hello to the Reporting Team from me. XXX

Hello, Luce. It is we, the Reporting Team.

 

We were a tad disappointed at your non-appearance at the appointed hour. Polly was particularly upset as he had prepared a special dish of Human Thermidor in your honour. (So, Large Overcoat wasn't the only frustrated chef!).

 

It is not true that VJ is horrible to emmets (it is true that he is vile, though). We have no idea how such a scurrilous rumour could have arisen. (Ahem!) He is actually quite nice to them and has even been known to give directions to the Tate to those more deserving of death than directions!

 

Ennywahey, we're glad you made it back from Frank. Keep an investigative eye on the activities of BM & Helling.

 

We look forward to promulgating your next expose!