Bell Dame Sans Mercy?


Lucy T. Lobster

13 December 2003 12:43

Re: Message

Ooooo, Vile, you made my little legs go all wobbly talking about snogging Shaun.
 
I've been keeping my antennae alert and I think I might be on to someting - I found a tin of stripey, minty sweets, Helling said someting about you'd already got the sheep.................I couldn't make out wot she meant but I know you're bright, well brighter than me, anyway, so I thought you'd be able to work it out.  Oh yes, there was a bunch of bells and a red frock.  I can't imagine BM in a skirt so it mu........................hang  on, don't men of a scottish persuasion wear pleated skirts?  I haven't seen BM in one but then I haven't been here all that long.  He's got nice legs though ......don't let Shaun read that bit.  Oh, its so difficult having a romance with Shaun when he's so far away.
 
PS CM says he's heard about people like you and he thinks the Shauns would be safer over here.  I tried to keep calm but ooooooo the thought of Shaun coming over here.
 
PPS You know CM is a VERY intelligent cat.  He's sussed that if he makes like he's terrified ( trolls, strange men, fireworks) They take pity on him and give him extra food to console him.  And, wots more, They don't even realise They are being conned. (And, no, he isn't sitting next to me flexing his really rather beautiful claws, honest)

Vile Jelly

13 December 2003 13:55

Ah, yes, the dying cat act. I'm familiar with that one. I try to counter-attack by reading them a book on taxidermy which usually keeps the yowling down to manageable proportions!
 
I am afraid that I may not be able to help you your lurve thang problem for several reasons:
  1. We don't know where you live which would make successful navigation difficult
  2. Shaun is only a sheep and so finds any navigation difficult
  3. Shaun is not sure which Shaun he is and so worries that he might be the wrong Shaun turning up even if he somehow manages to overcome obstacles 1 and 2!
Wouldn't it be easier if you smuggled yourself into BM's beer tanker next time he is popping down here to replenish his vats of Doom Bar?

Helen Bristol

13 December 2003 12:45

She's been at it again - sending messages to you using my address.  I'll have to go through it again with her.  She's a sweet little lobster but slow on the uptake.

Vile Jelly

13 December 2003 13:55

Pah! A mere technicality.
 
Try working with sheep, mate!

Helen Bristol

13 December 2003 15:22

Don't think we'll go down that route!

Vile Jelly

13 December 2003 15:28

As the orcs said to the angry ent!

Helen Bristol

14 December 2003 11:08

My apologies to Lucy.  It wasn't her at all.  My tame techie somehow got it wrong.  Even he doesn't know why.  There's expertise for you!

Vile Jelly

14 December 2003 11:57

Put not your faith in tame techies (or even trained trekkies!).
 
Follow the righteous path of cuddliness. Now sing:-
Now there was a time when they used to say
That behind every - "great man."
There had to be a - "great woman."
But in these times of change you know
That it's no longer true.
So we're comin' out of the kitchen
'Cause there's somethin' we forgot to say to you (we say)

Lobsters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own six feet.
And ringin' on their own bells.
Lobsters are doin' it for themselves.

Helen Bristol

14 December 2003 12:15

Aye, Aye, Captain.  But I'm Lucy would rather that Shaun rang her bells.

Vile Jelly

14 December 2003 12:52

I am reading him a bedtime book on campanology, so tell Lu to hang on in there.

Helen Bristol

14 December 2003 15:05

Are you sure that is a suitable bedtime story? It might give him bad dreams...........the bells, the bells.......

Vile Jelly

15 December 2003 08:42

Well, I only had two books available so which would Lucy rather have me read to him:-
 
Campanology for Beginners, so he can ring her bells
 
or
 
The Female Eunuch, so she can wring his balls?

Helen Bristol

15 December 2003 18:39

The latter I think would be germaine, someone's already been in with the pincers.
 
PS When she read your emu she said "Both" - well I do understand her point of view, after all, this romance thing is two way, otherwise she might just as well go in for self dating.
 
PPS Should have been at an AS party on Friday night but the bug hit the hostess with the mostest, so it was off.  Pity - I was looking forward some girlie-bloke entertainment and bringing home a few novelties to brighten up BM's long, dark evenings. 

Vile Jelly

16 December 2003 09:26

That would explain why his eyes bulge so much. Is Lucy ready for a purely platonic relationship?
 
PS. Perhaps it's a good thing that your AS (surely Winters at this time of year?) party was cancelled. Lucy could have met some dodgy french cook and ended up in a Lobster Basque!
 
Sorry, couldn't resist that one. I'll go and fall off a cliff now .....

Helen Bristol

16 December 2003 18:18

Is there such a thing? .............a platonic relationship not a basque. She was really looking forward to going............thought she'd pick up a few tips on stimulating a Shaun.
 
Had my first crimbo dinner today, turkey and all the trimmings ( and its already 16th) about 9/10 .............the sprouts were a tad overcooked for my liking.  But a 3 course meal + coffee isn't bad for £5.........................subsidised through your/my taxes.
 
PS has your supply of humbugs arrived yet?

Vile Jelly

17 December 2003 09:26

Didn't Mickey Mouse have a Plutonic relationship with his dog?
 
I would have thought a Shaun was the sort of stimulating thing she would be likely to find at an AS party.
 
Good to know the NHS had managed to overcome its alleged cash crisis. Of course, being to close to the Bernard Matthews ranch I suppose turkeys are as cheap up there as mackerel are down here.
 
No sign of humbugs down here. Perhaps they have been barred. Or more likely the Post Orifice are throwing our post off the Tamar bridge so they can save time on deliveries and get to their (no doubt also subsidised) freebie bash nice and early. Can't remember the last time something (other than a petrol bomb) came through my lettuce box.

Lucy T. Lobster

18 December 2003 18:16

Wash your mouth out with soap and water!  How could you speak that awful man's name?  They may be going cheap  but they're not worth the polybags they're frozen in.
 
The now defunct factory next door used to prepare and freeze chickens before it was re-invented as a meat pie filling plant., pro'bly of a brassica persuasion.  Since then I don't buy pies,open skips of meat, trouble with starlings, the ubiquitous seagulls, rats.................... not really sure how you'd describe the pies..................mixed meats?
 
PS So you didn't get the burpday card then????

Vile Jelly

19 December 2003 08:49

But aren't they supposed to be bootiful (which I always assumed meant that they were made out of old boots)?
 
How can you fill a meat pie with brassicas or is that a matter best left uninvestigated?
 
PS. The sum total of bugger all has come through my lettuce box this week. Not even a ransom demand for my post from Temporary Postman Prat. Of course, it could just be that I've got no friends!
 
PPS. Crimbo Mystery Play almost finished. Expect much gnashing and wailing of teeth.
 
PPPS. You appear briefly (but crucially) as a female lobster fatale!
 
PPPPS. BM & H don't come off quite so well .....

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