16 December 2003 15:58
A quickie to prove i'm still alive. I can't believe that so much work can happen
just before christmas. Don't people unnerstan' that there's a lot of partying to
be done? oh, and shopping. nasty but essential unless you want the rellies to
ignore you for another year.....perhaps i'll not go shopping!
How are you? Still plenty of time on your hands i fear judging by the amount of
news you are able to convey. I would like to put a formal note of complaint
forward about Winwaloe's obvious dislike of Brunettes. Not going to save any of
us is he?! It is very clear what he thinks is important (apart from beer
Must go, more work to do before i can go home and put up the tree for the cats
17 December 2003 09:42
No, as you have surmised I am still destitute. Luckily people send me the
occasional e-mail telling me what a good time they're having at their works
party, etc. which, as you can imagine, is a great source of comfort to me!
I am currently waiting for an emergency appointment at the quack's as I believe
I may have contracted this Fijian Flu or whatever. After nearly three weeks of
general non-specific malingering my bod finally decided to give up the ghost
last night. I feel like Keith Richards looks this morning! If William Friedkin
had seen me last night he would never have cast Linda Blair in the Exorcist.
Suffice it to say that I have never been THAT sick before and my nose is very
sore this morning and let's draw a discreet veil over the matter.
Ah, Christmas, a time for giving. So far god has given me unemployment and
illness. You can't believe how little I am looking forward to opening his next
PS. I wouldn't worry overly about Winwaloe's dubious taste in women. Or, in
deed, his taste in dubious women. Anyone who claims to have had a fling with the
Mermaid of Zennor is hardly likely to be picked to judge the Miss World Contest!
18 December 2003 10:22
Lucky you. I won't tell you about ours last night, or how my head is still
slightly fuzzie this morning.
Poor you, you really are going through the ringer. We had a pretty shit year
earlier, but things a decidedly better now, so there's hope for us all. It's
when you are properly ill that you realise that when you had a bit of a sniffle
or a jippy tum that it really was nothing. Hope the quack can give you something
to get rid quickly. Can you look that bad.......?
They say things come in threes so be careful!
PPS. Have your own works party. Set up the reporting team in a circle, get in
some drinks and nibbles and play some games. When they get too drunk to know,
pop them in the washing machine again and give them a whirl. They'll love it,
and you can have the satisfaction of giving the staff something other than
18 December 2003 10:27
18 December 2003 10:36
18 December 2003 10:58
See previous subsequent e-mu!
18 December 2003 10:53
Sorry about previous communiqué, just summing up all the pluses in my life
at the mo'.
The quack has given me something that sounds like epoxy resin (but unfortunately
isn't). It's a week long kill or cure job so I am cracking on with getting the
RT's crimbo mystery play promulgated in the event of my overdue demise. In the
meantime, The Soup Dragon is plying me with various concoctions in order to try
and keep me breathing long enough to finish it.
Nice idea about the RT xmas party but I'll probably have to delay it until I've
either recovered sufficiently to be able to go near food and drink or dropped
dead so the RT can party to their hearts' content.
Go to go now. Some tall bony bloke with an old agricultural implement has just
popped in to visit me. 'S funny, I wasn't expecting any visitors .....
18 December 2003 11:30
Cool! Did he say that when you can smell it you're cured?
Soup is the cure to all evil, unless the soup itself is the origin, some
flavours should not be allowed. What are the healing properties of Blue String
Are you going to publish this play on SSI? I look forward to seeing it in the
new year when spirits have been deflated.
say HI from me, and not to visit me for a long time. Have you read Terry
Pratchet's Disc World?
18 December 2003 13:10
No, but he did say it was a good sign when I could finally prise it off my
Incidentally, talking of the crimbo play and matters soupesque, we now seem to
have reached a definitive position on the Clanger diet. See the play when it is
promulgated for more info.
The play will (probably) be unleashed within the next day or two. The SSI news
desk (or its reporters to be precise) shuts down over the festering period so
that they can concentrate on debauchery. In addition, as I may only have a week
to live they'd rather I got on with the job before I started goofing off!
Talking of which, I am in a bit of a dilemma. Going by the official clock, if
the cure option doesn't work and the alternative comes into play then my
breathing privileges could be revoked on Xmas Eve. So, in theory, I shouldn't
need to buy any pressies, which will obviously avoid frittering away the RT's
inheritance. But what if I'm still alive on Crimbo Day and haven't got anyone
anything? I'd die of embarrassment!
PS. The bony bloke has gone off in a huff. He'd only just finished buffing up
his scythe and had forgotten his bargepole, which is the only thing he'd risk
touching me with. What a let-down.
18 December 2003 14:21
..when you'd get a perfect mould of(f) your nose!
I shall look forward to it.
Buy presents that the RT can use/eat/drink if you pop off and then it won't
matter if your there or not. God forbid that you die of
embarrassment....especially when there's so much more you could die of. It's all
over rated anyway. You buy things for people that they don't want and in return
they give you stuff that you don't want. Why don't we (the royal that is) all
meet up and eat lots and drink too much and forget about spending all that lolly.
PS does death carry a barge pole?
18 December 2003 16:25
I've hedged my bets and bought them plenty of booze and a How To Cook Humans
book. The little buggers are trying to marinade me already!
PS. Obviously Death does not, hence his failure to reap my pitiful excuse for a
life. He said he'd be back when he'd found another apprentice to delegate the
job to (Mort not really having worked out).
PPS. I'm sure we will all be actively encouraged to do the sociable thing and
meet up, eat up, drink up, throw up once B&Q/M&S/CofE, etc. get their
Hark, I hear the herald angels sing. They are still waiting on the licences
but they've got a sale on just in case ...
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