Christmas Presence


Lucy T. Lobster

23 December 2003 18:42

Mystery Play

Oh Shaun, are you all right?  Mr. Jelly said I had a small but important role as a fatal lobster, but I've read it 3 times and I can't find me.  I rather thought of myself as like the nurse in the English Patient, selflessly sacrificing my escape to care for you.............................. Sadly He doesn't survive but as the RT are writing the script I thought that you could........................that is if its you and not Shaun.......................in which case the confusion problem could be solved for ever.........................
 
Well, Crimbo's nearly here.  Helling's tree looks twinkly and sparkly, which is more than I can say about her. There's a moule-fest party tomorrow night but its for grown ups (ahem!) so's I've got to go to bed early but I won't get to sleep 'cos I'm so excited about Father Christmas coming and filling my stockings. Nothing like this happens in the German Sea.
 
PS Helling says to say Happy Crimbo to ALL the RT and keep the gin away from Soupie and sometink about 3 glasses and she's anybody's..........I think she meant Soupie.

Shaun T. Sheep

24 December 2003 10:04

Don't worry, Lu, we cheated and used doubles in the dangerous stunts. VJ was worried we might get injured and wouldn't let us do our own stunts due to contractual obligations (we're cooking the Crimbo dinner).
 
You appear in the last paragraph of Volume 13. You may have been reading the first version of the story which Jelly made a complete rickets of when he first promulgated it. The correct version is now on the electronic intothenet.
 
PS. I'd stay away from the stockings if I were you, particularly when you are near the sea. I get very worried about the thought of you being in fishnets!
 
PPS. I'm not telling Soupie anything. She is a dragon whereas I am only a sheep!
 
Loaf & fishes,
 
Shaun (and Shaun, just in case I'm not the right Shaun).

Lucy T. Lobster

24 December 2003 15:29

Shaun, I'm sitting here holding up a piece of mistletoe which Helling says is something humans do...............but I feel a bit of a sprat all puckered up and no one to snog.  Do you think wishes really do come true? Can reindeer really fly? Does Santa come down the chimney?  Helling wouldn't lie to me, would she?
 
XXX     

Shaun T. Sheep

25 December 2003 09:25

Quick, put the Miserytoe down. That only attracts humans and you don't want to be snogged by one of them, believe me. Only the other week Vile Jelly went mad and snogged me for some unfathomable reason. Bleaaaagh!
 
I don't think that Helling would deliberately lie to you but remember she is only a human. To be honest, we're not quite sure what goes on today other than a disturbingly large number of the RT seem to have been hatched on previous Crimbo days. We all have the same weird recollection of being inside some dark, papery womb and then suddenly emerging into a room full of humans, sherry and mints pies.
 
We don't know what it all means but every Xmas Eve VJ lies in wait by the chimbley just in case he can catch Santa in the act and slap a load of Child Support bills on him!

Lucy T. Lobster

26 December 2003 11:45

Its OK ,Shaun, he did that for me.
 
Did Mr. Jelly catch Santa?  Has your fambly got any bigger?  It must be very exciting having a big fambly.  Here its just CM, me, a load of grumpy teddy bears and a doll that says "Mama", oh and I think there's a Tigger in the attic.  CM's OK but is partial to fish and oftens sits licking his lips and pretending not to look at me.
 
I felt more at home on Crimbo Eve when a blackheaded gull settled down outside the back door.  Unfortunately it died a couple of hours later.

Shaun T. Sheep

 

26 December 2003 16:12

No sign of anything in the chimbley but we made VJ stay up all night so that he didn't find what we'd extracted from Mr. Chimbley earlier!
 
Don't take any lip (or licking of lips) from Fatto Macho. If he causes you any grief tell him that we will be round with a violin that needs a new set of strings!
 
PS. Sorry to hear about the door, did you give it a good send-off?

Catto Macho

27 December 2003 12:02

CM here,
 
Who you calling fat?  I'm a handsome, sleek, black cat - in my prime.  I may have a healthy appetite, but I exercise regularly.  My body is a temple ...
 
PS Shaun, don't get any ideas about Lucy.  I'm over-handsome, over-sexed and over here; while you, you poor pathetic sheep, are stuck over there in the back-of-beyond.  What use are you to a nubile person of a lobster persuasion?  We put the mistletoe to VERY good use... purrrrrrrr

Shaun T. Sheep

27 December 2003 13:28

Pah!
 
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.
 
Now, go away, you silly english cat, or I will taunt you some more!
 
Shaun The Vicious Killer Sheep
 
PS. Say it isn't true, Lu.

Lucy T. Lobster

27 December 2003 17:04

Oh Shaun, how could something I called a friend do this to me?  Now I'll never trust a bloke ( animal or human) again. 
 
PS Honest, Shaun, it wasn't like that at all.

Shaun T. Sheep

28 December 2003 08:58

No, no, foolish crustacean, unless you have changed species and become a cat you will notice on re-reading the e-mus that I was farting in the general direction of Catto Mucho Gracias, who surreptitiously hijacked your last communiqué.
 
PS. What was it like then? Helling claimed that you and he had drunk all their wine on Crimbo Eve and I've heard what these office parties get like when everyone is piscatorial!

Catto Macho

27 December 2003 17:12

To Shaun

CM here,
 
I didn't realise you knew my parents... its more than I did. 
 
Sticks and stones... dear boy, sticks and stones.  I don't think I mentioned the other guys here.  Did I?  The inner circle are George, Big Black and White (BBW as he likes to be called), Panther, Sox, and Fattingtonne ( youll have guessed that Helling and he share an interest in things oriental)  You want trouble mister, you just try coming over here.
 
PS Sweet Lucy's denial is about as since as VJ... 

Shaun T. Sheep

28 December 2003 08:58

Pah! Pah! And double pah!
 
We have enough instruments for a string section here, so the more cats the merrier! Big Blubbery and Worthless sounds ideal for the double bass. So, maybe we'll just pop round to say 'Cello' and wave goodbye to you!
 
PS. 'As since as VJ'? Don't bother your betters until you can learn to speak and spell, you fat, fetid, foolish, floppy, fish-filled, festering, furry fleabag.

Catto Macho

28 December 2003 15:12

(pr licking of lips) ?  Stones, glasshouses and throwing spring to mind...
 
First you've got to find the place.  Betimes I shall continue to blow my own trumpet. 
 
PS Helling thought it was a philosophical point - 'As since as VJ' - discuss
 
Miao, your favourite, fabuluous, fluffy feline, purrrrrr

Shaun T. Sheep

28 December 2003 16:37

Taxi?
 
Taxi?
 
Taxi!
 
Can someone get me a taxidermist please.
 
PS. I found the strings section of the London Philharmonic in a music shop down here looking for accessories. I pointed them in your direction. Hope you don't mind but I had a GUT feeling you could help them.
 
Bwahahahahahaha!
 
S. T. V. K. S.

Lucy T. Lobster

28 December 2003 15:19

I'm not a foolish anything.  I know CM hijacked my emus.  I was ashley concerned at being betrayed - no that is not too strong a word - by CM not you you daft sheep.
 
good gracious, if I have to explain to you , you wouldn't understand.
 
It's very quiet now that everyone has gone.  I've just discovered a bottle of something called Fino...

Shaun T. Sheep

28 December 2003 16:37

I think they make it into Sharks' Fino Soup. Well, he who is vilest of them all always insists on cooking with sherry, so I guess that must be what you do with it.
 
PS. I'd stay well away from that pestilential pussy parasite if I were you. Have you any idea how much his species has done to empty the contents of the seas?

Catto Macho

29 December 2003 16:38

The London Philharmonic ? trio? if my memory of SI shops serves me right.
 
Mucho Macho Catto

Shaun T. Sheep

29 December 2003 18:25

Pah!, once more.
 
I laugh derisively at your foolish feline fantasies. Everybody who knows St. Ives knows that you could never be a St. Ives cat and as, unfortunately, you do not seem to have been eaten by seagulls, we can therefore deduce that you have never been to St. Ives.
 
But do feel free to pop down in reality if you want, Pushkin is licking his lips already.
 
PS. Polly got wind of your smug and lecherous e-mails and has reported you to the RSPCL on suspicion of molestation. Hope you enjoy sharing a cell with Michael Jackson. I'll be buggered if I do!
 
STVKS

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