My horoscope for 2004 says I should re-invent myself, so here goes...

 

  

On the other elegantly gloved hand I could stay as I am and pretend I have the figure of Norma Jean, the IQ of Prof. Greenfield and the driving skills of Jensen Button..............................."Some day my Prince will come ....." and my fairy god-mother will make all my dreams come true.

Why don't you try them all?

 

I haven't seen my horror-scope for 2004 (probably haven't got one!), so I may have to post the Shauns to you so you can take them to the MRI thingy in your hospital and you can have their entrails read!

 

PS. Weather here was absolutely foul last night. Torrential wind and howling rain for hours on end. I wonder how many emmets died of hypothermia. There certainly weren't many left on the Wharf when we staggered out in our sou-westers just before midnight.

 

That's two in a row now where the weather has been vile. Maybe the emmets will take the hint and realise that not even god likes them!

I'm thinking about it... but I really don't have the time; so much to do, so little inclination. Did you mean all at once?  Yeah, I like that, slim, scantilly clad blonde driving a Boxter to go kite surfing. (Of such things are memories made)

 

I don't think it works magnetically, you have to look at the real entrail-y things, or so CM tells me. Any road up, the highest tech thing we have is an elctronic typewriter (that doesn't have spellcheck)  All the big money goes to the 'acute sector'.  Mr. Tony isn't interested in patients, they mess up the targets, and make the place unhygienic and untidy.

 

Sounds like what we had here, which was a pity after such a beautiful day.  Start as you mean to go on, I say.  The good thing about SI is that ex-emms are rapidly disposed of by starving seagulls, makes a nice change from pasties.

Yes, but the pasties are made out of seagulls so one way or another you can never get free of the bitter aftertaste of emmetry!

 

Blew up my keyboard yesterday (tea-related incident), so just breaking in a new one. God knows, given the environment in which they are customarily used, why no one has invented the spill-proof keyboard. Or is that all part of the planned obsolescence conspiracy?

 

PS. The Shauns say that they have consulted with their insides which tell them it is time to go to the pub. At least I might get the chance to catch up on my sleep now the RT is out!

That must have been one helluva post-booze tremor!  There you are - you can invent one and make your fortune.

 

I'm getting used to a "new" computer (aBM cast-off), and flat screen which being slimmer sits further back on my desk so the focal length thingy is all wrong with my glasses, and an infra-red mouse.

 

PS Sweet dreams.

Ashley, it was one of those bizarre incidents that can only be explained by the total malice of god. A small pile of CDs decided to fall over of their own accord and as I instinctively shot out a hand to arrest their progress before they did some collateral damage I clipped the handle of the mug which managed to wobble for what seemed like several eternities before deciding to eject its contents. I couldn't perform the stunt again if I practiced for a decade!

 

PS. If you've got one of BM's computers now, who won the battle to get control of your old one? I hope it was Lucy and not that evil fleabag of yours. Despite his bravado, Shaun is actually quite worried (he is only a sheep, you know, and how many of them have ever been decorated for courage under enemy fire?) and is thinking about calling the romance off if CM is going to claw his way into the relationship.

Makes a change from blokes trying to learn to juggle, thud, thud,thud,b****r.

 

The dustman - it was knackered, or so I'm told. If pigeons can get decorated for bravery (as well as the table) then I'm sure Shaun could.

 

Don't know what's been going on, but CM has been behaving like a teenager of late, hurtling about all over the place. You'd think Spring had sprung.  We're considering putting him on senior catfood to try to calm him down but need to do this surreptitiously otherwise he'll be mortally miffed.

 

Not wishing to interfere; if Shaun wishes to terminate his romance with Lucy, I'm sure she'd prefer to hear it from him and not one of his mates. I say this as one who understands these things.  Though quite honestly I think its all show. He may think of himself as Catto Macho, but the vet took care of the macho bits years ago.

But Shaun can't fly or carry messages (well, intelligible ones anyway). To be brutally frank (and frankly brutal), cuddly people aren't exactly noted for their tough guy capabilities (apart from the Sonics, natch). He'd be alright if he had a good border collie to organise things for him (what's the lobster equivalent?) but thought, independent or otherwise, is not his strong suit. A woollen jacket and trousers is his strong suit!

 

As for equipment comparisons, cuddly peeps aren't exactly noted for their prowess in that department either. So, for all he knows, CM may have put the 'loose' in Lucy.

 

Wimmin, eh?

 

You can't live with them and you can't live with them!

Pity I no longer have my OES's, mind you it was difficult to decide which was dog and which was sheep. Good at decorating, though. What's the lobster equivalent of what - a collie or being organised?

 

As Shaun's mentor its up to you, in a paternal sort of way, as one who knows about these things, the unlikeliness of Catto un-Macho putting "loose" or whatever you want to call it, into any Lucy or anyone else.

 

I suppose Shaun is a "he" and not a "she"ep?

 

PS caught up on you sleep yet?

The lobster (or undersea) equivalent of a collie, I mean.

 

I've had a word with Shaun and explained that he is probably best off sticking to beery nights out with the boys. Given that Lucy lives on the other side of the planet he might as well stick at electric correspondence until such time as he is in a position to do anything more meaningful. Unfortunately, he said he'd think about it so don't hold your breath!

 

Oh, and of course he is a sHEep. Nick Park said so (and he's The Creator so He should know!).

 

PS. Still too tired to catch up but at least I'm not losing any more ground!

A dogfish?

 

Wise words, Oh Vile One. But, hey, who wants to do what our elders and betters (?) tell us?  

 

I won't. I don't want to expire before there is some sort of conclusion!

 

PS Yes that's pretty obvious - no update since 21st Dec.  Has nothing happened in SI? Come ON, there must be some news.  Are the RT still too hungover to ferret it out?

Demand, demand, demand. That's all it ever is with you!

 

The Reporting Team have been enjoying their holidays just the same as you. Besides there's never any news (worth reporting) over  Crimbo. However, to satisfy your lust for constant entertainment at the expense of others:-

 

Spooky St. Ives Crimbo & New Year Bulletin

 

Now, cut that out and stick it on the front of your computer monitor every year around the 20-somethingth of December and your news drought problem is forever sorted!

Oops, who's rattled your cage?

 

No surprises there then?

 

Hi thee to the Quack and get yourself sorted out - you're always ill

 

The RT knows that Lucy read the play, but was too disappointed (initially) to say how much she enjoyed it.  BM & I stand in awe and amazement at their literary skills, pity about the typist, missing out a whole page!

 

Anyway, that small list would barely cover 1/8th of my screen!!!

I've given up going to the quacks (except in extremis) because I am not in any 'at risk' or 'politically sensitive' categories. Therefore, they take one look at a white, single, middle-aged male and give me the bum's rush. The quack wasn't even that interested when I went to see her before Crimbo until I pointed out that for the previous three weeks I had slept, rested, kept my fluid levels up and exceeded the maximum dosage/period of just about every known over the counter concoction and was in a far worse condition than at any previous point, so continuing to do the same as per her advice was not likely to achieve much. I know people who got THE VIRUS last month, suffered far less severe symptoms, and were promptly given more drugs than the entire crowd at Woodstock could consume. Even Prozac! Just think how much jollier things could have been if someone gave me Prozac. No wonder I am so miserable!

 

So much for the medical profession. I'll take my chances playing Russian Roulette with the Grim Reaper.

 

PS. Do I have to do EVERYTHING for you? Just highlight the bulletin, copy and paste it into a Word (or whatever) document. Then alter the font type, size and colour to whatever grabs your fancy. You could even paste some christmassy clip art on to it to give it a festive feel!

Don't go on at me. How're we supposed to know you're poorly until you tell us?  Or is it just the given state of the Vile One?

 

Resolutions for the new Year ( a bit late I know but better late than never)

Well you haven't (apparently) got anything else to do, so all my professional expertise (ahem!) would say 'yes you should keep busy.'  Small achievable tasks and all that stuff.

 

PS you could always change your quack.  There is more than one in SI isn't there.  Isn't she the one who fainted in wonderment at the cleanness of your Global incision?  We've got loads of them in Lowstoff, even one who got an IBM or some such for wearing odd sox.

 

PPS You feel old.  Just spare a thought for me (if you can bear to) my "baby" is the age I still think of myself as being.  Now there's depressing.  " Only sixteen, she was only sixteen..."

Well, that's made me feel a whole lot better.

 

Mind you, I always wonder whether an unfailingly cheerful disposition actually indicates a basic inability to grasp the reality of any given situation. You should have seen the Job Centre last Monday. It looked like half of St. Ives had been fired. Standing room only. Funny how this sort of thing never gets publicised.

 

On the other hand, the authorities have finally come clean and admitted that there is a serious plague doing the rounds. They were on the local news saying that the hospitals are getting swamped. Admissions are already up 10% on this time last year and they are telling people not to visit anyone in hospital unless absolutely necessary. Apparently, the plague (it's called Narwhal Virus or some such. You'll know with your surgical background) is actually nobbling previously uncontaminated patients in hospital with several wards officially 'infected'.

 

Maybe you could get yourself temporarily posted down here as Morale Officer to all the potential OAP expirees!

 

PS. There is only one surgery in St. Ives that I am aware of and no NHS dentists at all. Anywhere. Do not confuse our resources with the affluent UK.

Reality? What's that? My dad always said I was mercurial.  Which I suppose was his way of saying that I had mood swings.  What can you expect of a pubescent female?  These days I'm mostly "up", except in winter. It helps if someone else is feeling even worse than you do.

 

You have the publishing organ - publicise it!

 

Strange, the bug doesn't seem to have hit here yet. (Prob'ly just talked that one up) The acute hospital up the road is usually in a state of Red Alert throughout the winter, there being so many retirees hereabouts.  Mind you its often on Red Alert anyway.  We notice it when unsuitable patients get moved from there to Lowestoff.  We've just got the "killer-bug-from-hell-that-ate-my-flesh"

 

Was that morale or moral? The former I could cope with...

 

PS makes one wonder why anyone would want to live/visit there. 

He probably meant that you made a good thermometer!

 

Leave my organs out of this, they are still recovering from the battering they took from the Narwhal. (Anyway, I do, always have done and it's never got me anywhere. I even applied for a job in December part of whose specific remit was to promote, publish and promulgate walks in West Penwith. Naturally, in addition to all my other glowing credentials, I was able to point out on my application that I had already been doing this off my own bat. How far do you think my application got?).

 

Talking of the Dreaded Narwhal, it continues to rampage through the West Country. As of last night's news Derriford (Cornwall's main hospital ..... in Plymouth) has now got 7 wards infected and has shovelled all the infectees together in an attempt to control the outbreak. They are trying everything to turn away would-be visitors and I expect they'll have 'Warning - Armed Response' signs in main reception by this time tomorrow!

 

PS. Because 90+% of the settlers are rich colonists from elsewhere who can afford private medical treatment. I didn't say there weren't any doctors/dentists/surgeons etc. in the area, I just said there was bugger all by way of NHS resources.

Did they look at SSI?  Not everyone's cup of tea, as we well know.

 

Well no doubt it will spread NE from Cornshire.  We seem to get most of your weather, so why not the plague as well?

 

The way I feel tonight after my physio session you should be glad there is little by way of an NHS.  It put my back back about 10 months. N'er mind Brassicaland on Staurday - hurrah!

 

Aren't there any cheffing jobs about? 

Hell, I doubt if they even looked at the application, let alone SSI. (So, do you think I should scrap SSI to improve my job prospects? I certainly couldn't go back and edit over three years of material to change it into a cute fluffy bunny happy tourist format).

 

Didn't see the nudes last night so don't know if the Narwhals are still on the rampage. Still, it's good to see the cetaceans getting their own back after the shitty way humans have treated them. Who knows, if this trend continues, maybe the dolphins will strike next and we'll start finding humans in our tins of tuna!

 

No, chuffing [sic] jobs at the mo. Most places usually shut down between New Year and mid-March and fire all their staff, hence the massive pile up of bodies in the job centre on Monday! Lovely place, lovely people.

 

Still, the cheffing hiatus may give me the chance to find something actually worth doing. Let's face it, would you plan a career in an industry that has less than zero job security, rubbish pay and anti-social hours if you had an alternative? And, then they bleat on about shortages of trained/skilled kitchen staff. Doh!