L T Lobster
21 February 2004 11:51
Mr. S. The-Sheep c/o Mr. Jelly
Dear Mr. The-Sheep, [It's just Sheep, actually, 'The' is my middle name.]
I have waited until today to contact you as I thought that it might take a long time for post to get from Cornwallshire to East Angliar. I know you lot down there think that the Tamar separates you from mere mortal creatures. I've waited, hopefully, ALL week but nothing has arrived. I feel so disappointed. I thought you really cared about me. You are obviously not the reckless, romantic fool that I took you for. My good friend and mentor, Helling, has warned me about sheep like you - but, no, I had to find out for myself. I think for the time being I shall just find a good book ( St. Delia on lamb cookery should do it) and try to forget you. Helling has asked me to help her in the garden (to keep my mind off things) so I'm going to prune the red currant bushes for her.
I don't think I will be coming to St. Ives again, unless, of course, Mr. Jelly is free!
MISS Lucy Lobster
S T Sheep
22 February 2004 10:11
Typical bloody woman! It's just 'me, me me' all the time isn't it?
It's alright for you idle crustaceans with nothing better to do than swill Helling's vats of wine while reading stroppy feminist polemics. Some of us have to work for a living you know ..... Admittedly not me. I let Jelly do that but the point is valid. I think.
Ennyway, if Saint Delius is so smart how come she lives in Norwich, eh? And have you checked out the shellfish section in Jelly's WTF Does Smith Know Practical Cookery Book yet? There, that came as a nasty surprise didn't it? Not so funny when the thermidor is on the other hoof, is it?
phphphflbblbblbbl (or however you spell a raspberry sound).
L T Lobster
22 February 2004 11:36
No, it isn't valid. Typical bloke, states a "fact" with a metaphorical smug nod that means 'so you see, I'm always right'.
Its not St Delila who's smart, its the rest of the UK for not giving her immigration rights.
Helling says can she have a signed first edition of your book, please, so she can cheeck out the jelly and other sweets and savouries section. She said something about preserving in aspic.
S T Sheep
22 February 2004 15:22
But I am always right. May my face turn black and my wool white if it isn't true!
Bleating personally, we would gladly welcome St. Devious into the flock if she would just carve the giblets of that irritating twonk, Oliver, on the way.
'Cheeck out'? Clearly not the spellunk czecher!
PS. Helling has met VJ in the false world so how can she possibly want to pick his ass? Has she gone blind as well as feminist?
PPS. 'nernernenerner'? What sound does that make, we are intrigued?
PPS. Mn-uh, mn-uh, do-do-do-do-do. (Or how ever you spell the legendary Muppets chart hit the Mn-uh Mn-uh Song).
L T Lobster
24 February 2004 17:45
Stop picking it - it'll never get better.
PS Helling says: 1) there is nothing wrong with her eyesight - its just that she can';t always find her glasses 2) you got a problem with feminism??? Lucy will nip round to sort you out (I don't understand that bit but I'm sure she's right - she always is.
3) surely even St. de Lallio wouldn't blunt her knives on the Jammy Dodger.
S T Sheep
25 February 2004 09:37
Of course I've got a problem with feminism. I am a bloke-sheep and, while maybe not the brightest fleece in the flock, I am still not dumb enough to support something pledged to my destruction. Next you'll be expecting me to invest in shares in a mint sauce factory!
Obviously St. Dealer isn't a proper chef, then. The only reason people get interested in the culinary black arts is so that they can play with sharp objects (usually practicing on other people).
PS. You'll have to stop referring to yourself in the third person. That's a sign of being completely deranged. The only other person I know who does it is the Queen so that rather proves my point! You don't want to be thought of as a MAD stroppy feminist, do you?
25 February 2004 18:12
So what's your definition? I'm not in favour of getting rid of all the blokes - after all who'd do my vaccing? All I'm asking is to be treated as the intelligent human bean that I am ....................OK , there are differing schools of thought on that one. I rarely throw my, not inconsiderable, weight about, nor chuck Bruin out of the pram in a strop. Shaun's attitude reeks of insecurity. Really VJ you should be helping him through this obviously difficult period of his life - you don't want him to end up like you - do you?
PS Isn't it wonderful, I now leave for work and get home in day light.
25 February 2004 18:47
That is preciselymentally where you are wrong. You are rightfully demanding your right to exist and be treated as an individual (which is actually humanism ..... or RTism in our various cases) while not being committed to the annihilation of all other species (which is the basis of feminism/manism/nazism/communism/blairism and all other 'isms' which are based on treating other people really shittily because they haven't got the right label).
Of course, Shaun is insecure. If you got e-mails threatening to kill and cook you, wouldn't you feel a tad unsafe? Naturally, I wouldn't wish my fate upon any sentient creature (so the St. Ives Police are welcome to it). However, I do feel it only fair to point out that I am widely regarded by 99% of the world's population as someone they have never heard of. Sad but true. On the other hand 99% of the world's population probably have heard of Adolf Hitler. True but sad.
So, I regard my pathetic, meaningless existence as a nil-nil win.
26 February 2004 17:45
You've lost me there. As far as I can make out 'isms' are a lazy, inaccurate shorthand for all sorts of things.
Given the choice, I know who I would rather have heard of... However, I am amazed that as many as 1% have heard of you. Life is what you make it - oops, there I go again, sorry
PS I won't tell you about the snow 'cos i don't want to share it with someone who doesn't appreciate it, BUT it did snow on Bodmin Moor today. I know its true 'cos it was on the BBC.
27 February 2004 09:41
Oh, what are prisms and schisms lazily short for then?
Honestly, your logical reasoning processes are getting as bad as Winwaloe's. Are you sure you're not related? After all he does claim to have stalked the wolds (probably got a mermaid in every pub). I said that 99% of world's population hadn't heard of me. That does not prove that 1% had heard of me. In deed, as you yourself are a prime example, anyone who does actually know me denies it! The more likely inference given the usual pattern of such things would be that 99% had never heard of me and the other 1% spoiled their ballot papers (and vice versa in Florida, natch).
PS. Mayhap ..... mayhap not. Did you not perchance notice that the Beeb local weather reporter was a certain Mr. A. Gilligan? Would you really trust anything he says? Has Alistair Campbell confirmed the veracity of this 'weather report'? Is or is not this snow merely a figment of Claire Short's overactive imagination? I saw a piccy of King Tony in the paper earlier this week and he was basking in the sun and swimming in open air pools so it can't possibly be snowing in this country.
Anyway, thanks for your independent confirmation of this wild story. Hopefully in this week's bulletin we'll finally be able to put Snow-gate (and Winwaloe) to rest.
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