Vile Jelly

20 April 2004 16:50

Re: Letter from the Taxman....

The weather conditions are wet and windy. My personal situation is brown and smelly.

As I'm sure the SSI enemybase (as in the opposite of a fanbase) would agree, it makes a change from me being loudly suspicious!

PS. Got the Histo Channel on in the background and the ads are on at the mo. Is it true that the planet is being run by women with light bladder weakness? It would explain much ... !

Gill Richards

22 April 2004 11:37

yes, it's a conspiracy that one ones knows about. Now that you have fallen upon this secret you will have to be killed.

Vile Jelly

22 April 2004 14:47

Pah! I fear not your feeble threats. I shall never give in to terrorism (or
light bladder weakness). I defy you to do your ....

..... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Gill Richards

22 April 2004 15:03

see, told you

Vile Jelly

22 April 2004 17:18

burble .....

It's getting dark and I feel so cold ..... is that you, mother?

Gill Richards

26 April 2004 08:59


Vile Jelly

26 April 2004 12:38


Gill Richards

26 April 2004 13:34


Vile Jelly

26 April 2004 13:53


Gill Richards

26 April 2004 13:54


Vile Jelly

26 April 2004 14:06

Celtic are sometimes referred to as the 'Celts' (pronounced with a S not a
K). Rangers are shortened to 'Gers.

Gill Richards

26 April 2004 14:35


who are the hibs?

Vile Jelly

26 April 2004 17:06

errr ..... either the obscure, populist, anti-capitalist, anarchist, richer-than-croesus indie band of the moment or ...

... one half (or, either 0% or 100%, depending on which side your bread is
buttered) of the Edinburgh footie teams.

What sort of a bloke are you? Next you'll be telling me that you have no idea what it means when the Quakers beat the Monkey-Hangers!

Football uber alles ... as the Little Englanders say.

Deutschland uber alles ... as AH used to say.

KKK uber alles ... as Ron Atkinson used to say.

Eh? What? ... as David Beckham continually says!

Gill Richards

27 April 2004 08:14

I was talking about the scottish football scene. I don't know what it's short for if anything.

It must have slipped your attention, but i'm no sort of bloke. Perhaps minorly a girly bloke, but very much the majority is girly: so football is a mystery that i really don't want to find out about.

Have you seen the news today? Some 'artist' has filmed David Beckham sleeping after a match and has put it in one of the galleries as a piece of his work. As one 'Breakfast' presenter said "he can't be asleep; who brushes back their hair when they're asleep? I dribble and snore like most of the rest of the population"!!

Vile Jelly

27 April 2004 09:15

Hibernian. Which actually means Irish. But then, as everyone knows, the Scotch are really the Irish and vice versa. (Also, the Welsh are really the British but the English are indubitably English).

Pah! Don't give me that "I'm a girly-bloke, I don't understand footie" guff. Everybody knows that footie was invented by persons of the female persuasion in order to get the blokes out of the house on Saturday afternoons so you can self-indulge and entertain yourselves without fear of DIY interruptions!

Surely the piccie must be of Beckham asleep during a game. If it was after the game he'd have that Porta Loos bird with him.

Gill Richards

27 April 2004 09:39

So, are they yet another team, or another name for one of the usual suspects? You'll get into trouble calling them Scotch. That's the drink, the people are Scots (or Irish!) Picts, I think. Told you last week, the Welsh are foreign, regardless of how near you live to them.

It was a good idea wasn't it? Unfortunately we didn't count on the fact that some of you wouldn't be interested. So we invented DIY and that got rid of the rest - either to do it or avoid it.

Beckham is asleep all the time - how else could they have hoodwinked him with those texts?

Gill Richards

27 April 2004 14:23

Aye, that they be lad. The other 'arf of the Edinburgh footie teams being Hearts. What's wrong with calling them scotch? Next you'll be telling me I can't call the micks bog-trotters!

A perfectly cunning plan but you were still out-witted by the male monkeys in the first place. Or are you saying you volunteered for the 'agonies of child-birth'?

But surely Beckham was awake during the text massages. They are full of asterisks and that's how he spells words he doesn't understand - as in 'My name is David B******'!

Gill Richards

27 April 2004 15:39

you can call the little green men anything you like, but Scotch is a drink, sometimes served with water, and you can't drink the Scots, they wouldn't like it.

I didn't volunteer for the agonies of childbirth hence the lack of sprogs. If i'd had a say in the matter i would have given such task to the male of the species, along with all other unpleasant tasks such as everyday cooking and cleaning the cat litter tray. We should have grabbed the goodies such as buggering off to watch sport and sitting in the pub for ourselves.

I guess he may have been, it would explain all the asterisked words. Is his name really David B******?

Vile Jelly

27 April 2004 16:40

Scotch is not a drink. It's a sort of ritual self-flagellating, internal-mortifying punishment the haggis-humpers inflict upon themselves for failing to win anything significant; e.g. world cups (F or R), wars against Edward I, political independence, etc.

Acshually, I quite like the untamed Scots and am a big fan of Runrig. I quite enjoy their refreshing bashing of things english for the sake of englishness. At least, unlike many of their (alleged) compatriots they are not so blinkered as to ignore the considerable hand played by their own kind ("The Lowland Scot with English habits has brought me to his lowland manners") in the anglicisation of Alba. Did you know that most serious historians now reckon that more scotch fought for the English under William, Duke of Cumberbunds, (aka florally known in England as Sweet William and north of Hadrian's Wall as Stinking Billy) than Scots fought for Boney Ponce Charlie at Culloden. Hence, they now drink gut-rotting, bowel-bashing whisky as a penance to remind them how much better life would have been if the Scots rather than the scotch had won!

Exactement. Hence, the male of the human species got the last laugh by evolving first. By putting the reproductive onus on the female species, the male species was able to concentrate on developing higher mental and physical faculties. The fact it didn't manage to do either has mystified scientists until recently when it was discovered from a fossilised DNA sample that man's earliest ancestors carried a permanent genetic memory of that day-never-to-be-forgotten when Dinosaurs Utd. (PLC) were beaten by the non-league amateurs, Invertebrates FC, in the Third Round of the Evolution Cup. Ever since that ... it's been downhill all the way!

Sorry, after my recent difficulties I was trying to be diplomatic. He actually writes it D**** B******.

Gill Richards

28 April 2004 11:37

That explains a lot, it is rather disgusting.

I like the Scots and Scotland, it's where i like to spend my hollies when i'm not abroad or at the other end of the country ie down with you. I did know more of them fought with old Bill; i think most the Scots had a problem with an effeminate foreigner and couldn't quite bring themselves to be spiked on his behalf. If i was upset about loosing i'd do something less bowel rotting than drinking whisky.

Explains a lot. Give us the pain and then lie around all day being one.

If he just called himself DB it would save all those asterisks. Someone commented that since Victoria had DB tattooed on her arm, if they split she'd have to marry David Blane or Darren whotsit who she squawked with.

Vile Jelly

28 April 2004 12:05


What like scoffing deep-fried mars bars?

Guilty as charged, m'lud ..... sorry, m'luddy.

Well, he has to use his asterisk allowance on something. That's all Mrs. B leaves for him to spend after her extravagances. Anyway, how do you know the DB tattoo stands for David Beckham? It probably stands for Dumb B******, in which case she can marry any bloke!

Gill Richards

28 April 2004 12:51

No. Haggis i think. Pretty awful, but just about palatable.

And don't forget it or i'll send those mildly incontinent ladies around again. (?!)

that's what i thought all the asterisks meant. How do you know it's all her extravagances? It might be his! You said it...

Vile Jelly

28 April 2004 13:53

'Just about palatable' doesn't sound like any haggis I've had the displeasure of encountering.

Armed to the teeth with babies' bottoms and extra-absorbent wipes, no doubt.

But he'd never have any time to spend because he is always either playing footie down the park with his mates from Surreal Madrid or in bed with Rebecca Loos (or, possibly, in the loo with Rebecca Beds).

PS. Going off to collapse now. Burpday celebrations last night went on rather longer than I had paced myself for. Drank rather large quantities of G&T and am now the same colour as the Soup Dragon!

Gill Richards

28 April 2004 15:53

You have to have the real stuff, caught on the moors by a Scot with a kilt (the Scot not the Haggis). Sainsbury's just don't make them the same.

Absolutely, mind yours.....

It's not been confirmed though has it? The papers have been telling us all those stories and they haven't actually been confirmed. Just because Vicky blubbed doesn't mean he actually plays footie for them.

Ps you kept that quiet. I vaguely remember from last year that this year will be a minor one, not one to be celebrated too much, apart from possibly because it's not one to shout about. Burpy Harp day for yesterday. Orange juice, water, fry up and lie down.

Vile Jelly

28 April 2004 17:31

I thought they ranged free on the mountain crests of the Big Bens.

Fortunately, as a non-homeowner I am naturally immune to most forms of TV advertising. It's just the babies' bottoms thing that gets to me. Why the hell would anyone want to kiss one, let alone use TV to announce to the world and his dog that you are a bot-snogger? Sick! Sick! Sick!

Well, as I always say, when celebrities/politicians/vicars/etc. admit it, then obviously it's true. And if they deny it, equally obviously, they must be covering something up ..... so it must be true.

PS. Weren't my burpday I was cerebellating. I fully intend to expire or (preferably) wipe out the rest of the population so that the great indignity does not happen to me this year!

PPS. I'm just about starting to get the hang of how to lie down without falling off the floor. The rest will probably have to wait until tomorrow before I attempt them.

Gill Richards

29 April 2004 08:28

there too.

You can't be, if you watch telly you must be affected by them all. There's something about parents who think that children are wonderful and parents of new babies think they are the best thing since sliced bread. They have to kiss them all over especially their soft little bottoms. Like you i think this is quite disgusting and it serves them right if little Johnny has a widdle in their face while they're doing it. In our house we are quite insulted with those stupid nappy adverts where babies run/crawl about pretending to be cowboys etc. They're nappies, they collect wee and other nasty substances, i don't need to know if they're comfortable. And as we have to wait until 9pm to watch someone swearing, we think they should take the damn adverts off and give us a break.

It's true, they shouldn't be allowed to win either way.

PS oh i see, you were celebrating that it wasn't you.

PPS god i hate that: you must have been pissed.

Vile Jelly

29 April 2004 11:52

Even worse in the intelligence-insulting stakes, why are Andrex and Charmin conducting an ad-war on the basis of whose bog roll has got the best embossment? Is an embossed bear more absorbent than an embossed puppy? If so, I want graphic demonstrations of this shown at tea-time, sandwiched between Mcdonalds and Pampers ads!

PS. Not so sure it was a case of celebrating that it wasn't me at the time, as commiserating that I was me the day after.

PPS. So shlobbleobble that I was in danger of being able to understand Winwaloe's e-mails!

Gill Richards

30 April 2004 09:29

So are puppys more absorbent than bears? It brings to mind a phrase about bears.......?

McDonald ads. What are they on?!!! Do they really think that they can appeal to the rest of us simply by serving a salad?!! You just know that if you asked for one it will be warm and limp and it wouldn't get rid of all the other annoying people (kids) anyway.

My least favourite advert is the one for air fresher where some child sat on the pan says "poo"....  blow the telly up!

PS feeling better now?

PPS good grief!!!

Vile Jelly

30 April 2004 11:08

Don't know I've never wiped my bum on one (not that I haven't been tempted, though. Just lack of opportunity!). Knowing mcdonalds desire for rigid uniformity in all things I assume that the salads will be lukewarm and limp so they match the burgers.

Why not just blow the child up and then you can still watch TV?

PS. Not noticeably. Quite a few people round here seem to be toting some form of non-virulent bug that makes you feel a bit crappy without
manifesting itself as a full-on flu or gastric bug. So, maybe I wasn't just

PPS. Definitely the grief, not sure about the good though!

Gill Richards

30 April 2004 14:13

what ar puppy or a bear?

Good idea, it needs blowing up. i can't see a long and successful career in front of it.

PS you wish

PPS I don't want to upset you, but i've done a Helen. I've had a massage and i'm on leave next week, so it'll be rather quiet from this end.

Vile Jelly

30 April 2004 15:05

Either. Although I'd rather have a puppy than a bear behind!

It'll just have to settle for winning Pop Idol then.

PS. Honest, guv!

PPS. Bugger! Who's running the country next week then? Please don't say you've delegated it to Winwaloe.

Gill Richards

30 April 2004 15:44

ha ha

no chance, then again that cornish dwarf won (that'll get him going ;-))

the RT will be running the country next week. get ready for pay rises, free beer and WW3!!

Vile Jelly

30 April 2004 16:10

A cunning plan with no drawbacks whatsoever.

Gill Richards

30 April 2004 16:19

thought so. I told them to talk to you if they had any problems.

Vile Jelly

30 April 2004 16:30

Before or after they've blown the world up?

Gill Richards

30 April 2004 16:40

well, if they can find most of you.......


Vile Jelly

30 April 2004 17:04

Hell, I can't even find most of me, they've got no chance.


Next    Back    Home    Site Map

I (thatís me) own the copyright in all the content of this site (except where otherwise acknowledged). You can read it, download it, transmit it and reproduce it only for your own personal use. You are not allowed to bugger about with it. If your computer explodes as a result of accessing this site and its contents, itís nothing to do with me, mate! Copyright Vile Jelly Publications 2001-2009. All rights (and some wrongs) reserved.