07 June 2004 14:10
Oh those! Well you wouldn't be able to strangle them: firstly because they don't exist and secondly, when they do exist you a) don't need to and b) are in no fit state to.
What never? If all you know is beer and sport then your do have a problem. However you do have a large head start (no, not a large head) because you can cook. I'd love it if i could come home from work, collapse and have my dinner put in front of me.
You could plug the hot-plates in the same place as the hair dryers.
You were there then? Unfair, our cook provided us with fine food all cooked on a wood fire, in fact so much of it that i have put on weight and now have to go back to the dreaded diet to get back to where i was before (where i want to stay before you go off on one about girlies and their diets). Anyway i thought you were much more than a carvery man; you did more than that at the slurp.
I have you know that i spent ages arranging things for them to do which didn't involve annoying other people with clipboards. Any how, they didn't leave the camp site and much as we would have loved to visit the pub, we aren't allowed to leave them and had to make do with smuggling bottles in down the legs of our wellies.
Not you, the World. Anyway you didn't do much of a job, it seems to have gone all strange, well more strange. Not surprising judging by the amount of mail you had; have you been writing to yourself again? And it seems you had far too much to drink at the beer fest if you were mad enough to publish a picture of yourself. I assume it's you. Isn't it a bit dangerous as there are lots of of people after you or has it calmed down?
Ps Helen; you can't fool me, don't you remember I solved the Christmas play riddle?
07 June 2004 15:03
So that's where I was going wrong!
Mayhap, for it is sooth that the way to a girly-bloke's heart is just as vulnerable to nosh as that of a bloke. However, I'm always knackered after a cooking shift so there seems to be little point in ruining myself to get into a situation where I've ruined myself beyond being able to do anything (other than feel ruined).
Hair-dryers? You mean they've got hair? Bah!
That wasn't me, that was a stunt double ..... Well, OK, in my case a stunt quadruple! I'm just hoping that now that 'THEY' have seen an artist's impression of my hideosity THEY will decide that I am not worth risking their sanity pursuing.
PS. Eh? What? I'm not Helling. Have you been secretly corresponding in front of my back?
07 June 2004 15:20
So lay off the beer....yeah right!!!!!
how does one sooth?
Oh yes, only strange people don't like food (and i don't count in those numbers 'large' people who just eat lots of pies, chips and crisps). Decent food, lots of flavours and a good wine and you could be anyone's!!! (you have to get someone before you can consider ruining yourself)
Most 10-14 year old girls do have hair, and they fuss over it.
I wasn't aware that you needed a stunt double for drinking beer. And surely that takes away the fun of drinking it yourself?
You mean 'they' haven't found you already?
PS - cast your mind back two weeks. Helen directed a comment straight to me (25 May). Had you read all you past email this lunch time you would have understood!!
08 June 2004 09:20
I do on a daily basis (because I haven't worked out a way to drink in my sleep without choking).
One speaks the truth in a prophetic cod-medieval way.
But if I've got good food and wine why would I need anything (or anyone) else?
Well, I think it's discriminatory and either everyone should be allowed to have hair or no one should.
It was actually a papier mache replica of me that I filled with beer and then drank from a valve in one of its hollow legs whilst hiding under the table. Obviously, by the end of the sesh the papier mache model was just a rancid, soggy, squelchy blob on the floor ..... and, so, indistinguishable from the original!
PS. Oh right. Honestly you're doing a Winwaloe, referring to ancient promulgations on SSI which I have long since lost the thread of. What Christmas play riddle? That was 6 months ago!
08 June 2004 09:37
I was thinking for a bit longer than that, but if it works for you....
Like Winwaloe, or is that a pathetic mackerelval way?
I don't know but it is difficult to have a decent conversation with food, you can have one with yourself if you drink enough wine. And it doesn't keep you warm at night - unless you have a hot curry...!!!!!!!
Ah yes, that old ploy. Sorry shouldn't agree should i, specially as i haven't met you in the jelly.
PS ....and i bet you've forgotten what Sonic did haven't you?
08 June 2004 09:54
It must do because no matter how much I drink before I go to sleep I always wake up the next morning feeling thirsty. Clearly I need to find some way of drinking in my sleep to prevent this dehydration occurring!
Close but no cheroot. Remember, you have to speak the truth.
True. But then you don't have to be politely deferential to the food's views, which are clearly a pile of pustulent poop! 'Sides, I don't like being warm at night, cool and clutter-free is how I like my bed.
PS. Remind me. He appears to have used a hedgehog mind-trick on me!
08 June 2004 10:01
Drink more during the day, that should fix it.
OK. Winwaloe speaks a load of old tosh. Is that ok?
How do you know that? Food's views may be completely radical but you will never know. No bottles then? What about in the winter, you can't want to be cool then.
Don't put yourself down, let others do that for you.
Ps Can't rightly remember but i know he was the main baddie.
08 June 2004 14:32
I can't. Some bugger keeps making me work. (Although not this week due to the state of the bee's ankle).
Acshually, it seems quite new tosh to me but, then, it's hardly surprising if I am out of touch. Down here the 20th century is just something that happened to other people!
All the better to dive under the duvet and cocoon myself. Cold is definitely 'hot' as far as I'm concerned. (Then again, I was propagated in the frozen northern wastelands so it might be a cultural thing).
What like the vets who keep trying to inject me?
PS. No he wasn't! With the aid of Shaun and the rest of the RT he visited a terrible vengeance upon the human bean what did the foul deed.
08 June 2004 14:49
But you do get paid to do so. (is that the opposite of the bees knees?)
Oh go on, they didn't have skateboards in the 19th century, or female PCs.
I have a deep meaningful relationship with my duvet in the winter. i get most upset when it gets pulled about and the draught can travel down my back. The cats are learning to sleep on my feet which is a huge bonus in the winter, they are currently sleeping in draughts and shedding fur (the cats).
You are meant to go to the doctors not he vets.
PS so you do remember!!! what happened then?
10 June 2004 11:24
I do? (Yes).
Yes, they did but they weren't widely reported as the news was taken up with sea-monster and J T Ripper sightings.
Gets pulled about? Sounds like you've got some sort of vermin infestation in your bed. Take a shoe or rolled-up newspaper to bed with you and the next time it happens squash whatever is causing it! Have you got matching cats. The wrinklies have and joke about having them made into slippers (or Davy Crocket hats) when they scuttle off this mortal coil.
Not according to that notice DEFRA have stuck on me.
PS. Can't remember the exact sequence off the top of my head. Ever considered reading the story to find out?
10 June 2004 13:59
one assusmes, otherwise why are you doing it?
bet they didn't.
I don't think Paul would take too kindly with being squashed in the middle of the night, and it would mean sticking my arms into the cold. Two cats are almost identical so yes, you could make a lovely pair of slippers and the girl is smaller and lighter, so she'd make a nice matching hat.
PS couldn't possibly do that, that would take all the fun out of it.
10 June 2004 14:46
Hell, I don't know. You, Helling, Janet, the world & his dog, etc, kept saying it would be a good thing for me if I got a job. You didn't say anything about getting paid for it!
How can you know? They never caught J T Ripper so they could just have easily not spotted skateboarders or WPCs.
Well, moan ye not at me for the seasonal fluctuations of your duvet, then. If you will insist on inviting people into your slumber lair then you should expect that sort of thing. I think the phrase is 'you made your bed, now lie in it'. Whereas I made my teeth and now lie through them!
PS. Whereas Sonic, Shaun and the rest of the RT said "We can't possibly refuse to do that. It would take all the fun out of it".
10 June 2004 15:33
well, aren't you silly? Fancy taking a job that doesn't pay, no the right idea at all.
but they knew JTR was around, they just couldn't find him. You don't see any reports of annoying noises keeping the surfs awake at night do you?
I wasn't really, i just said i didn't like draughts down my back. A summer annoyance is hot feet, but i think i'd get that whether i had someone else in my bed or not.
Ps maybe i'll scan it on monday when i read the news.
10 June 2004 16:24
I vas actinck unter orders from ze Life Police!
You obviously not read the Call of Cthulhu! (Albeit that is 1920/30 ish, but it just goes to show!).
How can you play draughts down your back? For a starter you'd have to have skin that formed a perfect checkerboard and then you'd have to have a head that could completely rotate (you're not feeling any Linda Blair tendencies are you?) so that you could see what you're doing
PS. Make sure that the duvet is hanging loose and the ventilation is fully open when you do!
11 June 2004 10:41
quite right too.
never even heard of it, is it relevant?
you guessed! lovely black and white squares, tending to fade a bit in the summer when i catch the sun, my head will turn 360 degrees and can be bent at any angle to see up my own trouser leg. i don't like getting wet either.
ps sounds disgusting
11 June 2004 14:36
First time for everything.
Yes, if you don't want something unpleasant to happen to you. As the legendary ad put it; 'In Call of Cthulhu even librarians get bitten by the Formless Spawn of Tsathoggua'!
Well, as we would say down heresville, it's a perfectly executed check, mate.
PS. It was. Generations of surrogate parents will frighten their children to sleep with the story of The Devil's Fart!
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