09 July 2004 15:20

Not enough wood in Cornwall to make a coffin

My latest issue of "The Week" reveals a cunning plot by the EU to create more coffin wood for Cornwall. Well I suppose it can have other uses as well (ship building, bungaloe building, bar building etc etc.)The EU are funding courses to teach drama and breath control to the unemployed. Quote - "I go up to a student and say, "think of a tree" says Ian Marshall
who runs the courses in Cornwall. "Then I say, 'Now you are that tree,where are you?" They might reply "In a park, i'm an oak tree"  "It really stretches their imagination" (says Ian Marshall).

If we take this a step further these unfortunate souls could stretch their imagination to think that they are planks of wood, they could then think they were something made out of the planks (mind boggling already). Of course if this course has the most likely effect then they will probably imagine that Cornwall has at long last got enough wood and simply lay down in the likes of Barnoon (quite a lot of laying done there already methinks).

I may be quite wrong but I don't really understand how this helps people get jobs. I suppose it may have created one for a drama teacher but otherwise - - - Where do I sign up for the Spooky Agin the EU Loony
Schemes Society - - Plse send application form by nubile young bal maiden pretending she is an envelope.
Benatugana - Tereba nessa - Winwaloe 

Vile Jelly

10 July 2004 10:04

Unforkchewinglately, this brilliant (as in modern conceptual art sort of brilliance) plan will not work down here as there are no trees in Penwith (Cornish: 'Pen' meaning trees and 'with' meaning there aren't any). I think they were all destroyed when they built the winter ski resorts to take advantage of the regular snowstorms. Thusly, there is no demand for tree-imitators (employed or otherwise) down here

However, I think that you miss the point as regards the immense power of tree mimicry as a tool for getting people jobs. Admittedly, no one in their right mind would want to employ someone whose main skills are practicing breathing and behaving like an inert lump of wood but think of all the jobs that this scheme has created for failed drama students who otherwise would be forced to acquire some worthwhile skills and go out and work for a

PS. Bal-maidens all booked up for the present. Would it be OK if I send you a Balrog instead?

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