Helen Bristol

21 November 2004 17:07

Re: Hello again

Why are their stripey shirts festooned with onions?
Yes, I am familiar with King Lear. It makes me go all quivery just thinking of such a vile deed. I say don't kick/squeeze/spike a bloke when he's down.
Probably. Probably. Dunno. Probably. I know. It is. Always handle hot stuff with care. Always handle BM with care.
What have you done with the Shauns? Are you all taking turns on the 'puter?

The Flat Erics

22 November 2004 15:21

We don't know. Ask them, it's their shirts and onions. All we know is that all french people wear stripey shirts and berets and go round on bicycles selling onions.
But wouldn't it be kinder for us to put him out of his misery? He's out of everything else ..... friends, money, hope, his mind, etc.
The Shauns are currently investigating the bottom of beer glasses. We are taking it in turns to answer the e-mus because if just one or two of us do it all they lose out on valuable slurping time.
The Erics.

Helen Bristol

22 November 2004 16:28

'scuse me while I go and find my violin, I'm sure it's somewhere in the attic.  Is this what he tells you' or an objective observation?

The Reporting Team

22 November 2004 23:01

Like you and the NHS, who cares? Just as long as you string him along for long enough for us to forge his will and then we can all live happily ever after him.

Helen Bristol

24 November 2004 14:00

Man, will you guys never listen?  VJ says he has nothing, no money, etc, etc. N-O-T-H-I-N-G so what is the point of forging a will? To inherit squit all?  I suppose you could all be sold on eBay and we could use the 99p you'd fetch to share half a cup of cold tea.  There's happy.
Don't you ever learn?  VJ is a past-master at black humour and black moods. 

The Reporting Team

24 November 2004 15:41

Bugger! We knew we shouldn't have let Munkeh be in charge of the financial planning after what he did with ITV Digital. Well, we might as well put up with Jelly as long as he's got a roof to put over our heads and wages we can spend on beer. Then when he hasn't and hasn't, we'll go and find someone more deserving of care and affection.
We can see why you leave all the computational stuff to BM. If you care to have a goosey at ebay you'll find we're actually quite valuable. Well, some of us, anyway. Of course, you have no idea how much association with VJ devalues us.
But he's white. Well, a grubby sort of white, generally.

Helen Bristol

24 November 2004 17:38

Like who?  Suppose - just suppose - there is always a roof and beer money.  I wouldn't boast about your value, least ways not within VJ's hearing, he might get money-making ideas involving you lot. But if you all feel that you need to lie low for a while I've got a spare attic you can hide in.  Does the devaluation apply to distant casual acquaintances?
I thought it was more pallid from hours in varicose hell's kitchens.

Reporting Team

25 November 2004 10:57

Well, anyone really, let's face it, everyone else on the planet is more deserving. But what if there isn't? The continuance of both is currently about as guaranteed as peace in Iraq, Ukraine, Camborne, etc. VJ wouldn't dare flog us on ebay because we're the only people he's got to talk to down here. Besides he's a big softie at heart or he wouldn't have taken us in (at some cost) in the first place. Mind you, if he does shuffle off this mortal coil we might flog ourselves on ebay, grab the loot and then take you up on your offer of a hideaway in East Angular. Don't worry, we have prepared a special de-jellification ointment so that we won't still be infected with his vileness when we turn up in the bayou.
But he hardly spends any time in the kitchen. They don't let him do any real cooking and always banish him to the carnagery every night. It's a horrid job that no one wants so they always give it to the most menial, least popular person. A position that VJ is eminently qualified for. Last night they chained him to the carvery on the far side of the hotel to feed the humans on his own while the three other chefs on duty sat in the kitchen doing bugger all (it was a quiet knight, as Guinevere would say). The carvery doesn't actually give you a tan but the constant exposure to the heat does tend to gradually char the flesh. Hence the grubby white colour.

Helen Bristol

27 November 2004 10:39

Anyone? like Bubya, Saddam, Mugabe?  I sort of get the feeling that, given the option, you'd prefer to stick with VJ.
If you're going to flog (interesting choice of word there) yourselves you'll have to cut me in as I will know what has happened to VJ.  I'll have to quarantine you in the cellar for a while, while I wash the money. Don't get me wrong.  Of course you'll be welcome.
What? Are you telling me that that photo in the Cornishman was posed?

Reporting Team

27 November 2004 15:21

Could they be any more vile than Jelly? We think not. He is the very quintessence of vileness.
Done. Just make sure that BM doesn't mistakenly bid for us on ebay otherwise the whole cunning plan would be thwarted.
Yes. You notice that there were five chuffs behind the carnagery in the piccy and yet in reality VJ is usually forced to do a solo Horatio-holding-the-bridge act. You see? The camera never lies. It is merely economic with the truth ..... and extravagant with the deceit.

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