Psychic Psonics Horror Scoops

Fed up with reading cryptic claptrap? The Blue Spikey Ones analyse the newspaper clippings and tell you what it all means and what you can do about it.

Capricorn (December 21- January 20)

Romance (or, possibly, Romans) will come looking for you shortly. A friend will let you down badly but another friend will help you solve an important problem.

Analysis: A good month if you have a few friends, an ungood month if you only have one friend!

Suggested Course Of Action: If you have more than one friend try to revitalise the NHS, economy or railway system.

Aquarius ( January 21 - February 19)

You can't concentrate on work and your plans are ludicrous. Later in the month you will be required to think of something.

Analysis: You are Tony Blair

Suggested Course Of Action: Resign

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

You should concentrate on work before pleasure. By the middle of the first week you will be making important career progress. Your persuasive powers are at their most potent and you can sell just about anything ( especially to Cherie Blair!).

Analysis: You have all the makings of a rich, ruthless and successful business typhoon.

Suggested Course Of Action: You will have made your fortune by Wednesday ..... and had your first nervous breakdown by Friday. Prepare for very long-sleeved suits and rubber walls.

Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Things look good for your plans of conquest but do not let yourself get side-tracked by impractical ideas. Success is guaranteed (or your money back).

Analysis: You are George W. Bush

Suggested Course Of Action: Invade Iraq but give up trying to ensure success in the nest presidential election by having your brother cloned and made governor in all 50 states.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)

Don't let domestic issues distract you from achieving your ambitions. There will be changes in your home life but concentrate on long-term goals.

Analysis: You will succeed spectacularly at work and fail miserably at home.

Suggested Course Of Action: Hire a good divorce lawyer so at least you get to keep some of the money you ruined your marriage making.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)

You don't know where you stand and no one will tell you. There will be romance involving close bonds but then financial issues will cause problems.

Analysis: Your inability to read maps will result in you getting lost in the red light district. You will then have an interesting time with Miss Whiplash but will then be in trouble when you get the bill.

Suggested Course Of Action: Get a really, really good lawyer or prepare to flee the country.

Cancer (June 22 - July 23)

Your career will enter a more positive phase and you will be able to convince others of your worth. Finances could be a problem, though.

Analysis: You're not much cop as Chancellor of the Exchequer but if Tony and Cherie keep dropping clangers at the current rate .....

Suggested Course Of Action: Maintain your policy of doing and saying nothing. With Prudence, whoever she is.

Leo (July24 - Aug 23)

Don't be tempted to throw caution to the wind and give more than you can afford. Keep your feet on solid ground while allowing yourself to be open to a new relationship.

Analysis: You are indecisive

Suggested Course Of Action: Dither ..... or, maybe, procrastinate.

Virgo (August 24 - September 23)

Concentrate on domestic and personal relationships and sod work. You can overcome a recent setback and open up new channels of communication. Do not dwell on the past or look too far ahead.

Analysis: You are a long-sighted, history-obsessed hedonist.

Suggested Course Of Action: Forget your crappy terrestrial TV reception and get a sky dish.

Libra (September 24 - October 23)

Social pleasures beckon, luring you away from mundane domestic issues. However, do not jeapordise a close relationship and you can have it both ways.

Analysis: The Gemini next door has just remembered the address of that place in the red light district.

Suggested Course Of Action: Tell the wife you are just off to B&Q to get the bits for those new shelves she wants and head off to the red light district.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)

You will not be able to convince anyone that your new plans are a good idea. Try not to take on more than you can handle. See others' point of view and you could benefit financially.

Analysis: If you can swallow your pride there's money to be made kissing ass.

Suggestion: Abandon your cunning, evil plan to conquer the world and show the fools. Get a job as a gigolo in the wealthy widows old folks home.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Leave career issues to one side and concentrate on your private life. You are full of confidence, magnetism and charisma. A new emotional era beckons so strike while the ironing is hot.

Analysis: For some bizarre reason you are sex on legs with a licence to shag.

Suggestion: Go round and see if Kylie Minogue/Ricky Martin fancy an unquiet night in with you!

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