1 March 2002


Caught In The Act!

In a completely unexpected flirtation with notoriety Vile Jelly was ambushed in the Sloop by the first ever Spooky St. Ives groupies!

Well, OK, maybe not groupies as such but, on the other hand, they did not immediately throw him to the floor and administer a severe shoeing, which is usually what happens when people catch up with him.

So, a big 'hi' to Nick Smith and co. who had the double misfortune of meeting Jelly and picking a weekend of appalling weather. Still, it gave them a good excuse for whiling the day away in the Sloop.

The Only Way To Make Something Foolproof ...

... is to keep it away from fools!

In another outbreak of utterly predictable incompetence, Vile Jelly managed to 'blow up' the computer last Saturday. Confident in his ability to improve performance the Vile One carried out some minor 'tweaking' which resulted in a wrecked motherboard.

Determined to prove that this wasn't a fluke, he has spent most of the first half of this week failing to instal new hardware correctly.

As of going to press the computer now seems to be sort of working and the Reporting Team have placed personal appeals with all the adoption agencies!

Laugh? I Thought I'd Never Start!

The furore over Bollards-gate continues to rumble on. In the face of mounting criticism (and patently obvious problems) St. Ives Town Council and Oberkommando Highways (1st Cornwall County Council Armoured Regiment) are to consider 'minor alterations' to the existing shambles.

Among the minor problems identified so far are that they stick out too far, they are causing traffic jams and they could seriously bugger up any attempts to the move the lifeboat along the Wharf should it need to be launched or recovered from the old slipway.

The fact that these sort of problems would be evident to anyone with one functioning eyeball and two braincells to rub together does not reflect well on our glorious local government organisations.

Train In Vain

This week saw the maiden journey from Penzance of the first of two new Virgin Voyager trains (thus proving that there is still at least one train in the county!).

Unfortunately, the Virgin bigwigs had clearly failed to consult the Spooky St. Ives pages on basic Cornish words as they unveiled the 'Cornish Voyager' as the 'Vyajer Kerewek' [sic]. As a quick glance at any Cornish glossary or dictionary (even one as half-baked as mine) would tell you, 'Cornish' is spelled KERNEWEK!

No doubt, after the opening ceremony the dignitaries retired to the buffet car for some Corish Paties and a few pints of Doo Br!

All Change

In a desperate attempt to boost flagging ratings, Spooky St. Ives may be about to undergo an overhaul. Due to space restrictions the existing set-up is less than satisfactory and the Reporting Team are currently investigating the possibility of moving to a new site and (even!) getting a proper domain name.

We'll let you know if it happens. [Unless Jelly gets it wrong again, in which case you may never know!].

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