4 January 2002


New Year, Same Old Problem

Yes, folks, despite our best attempts to stave off inevitable disaster a stupid amount of people ..... no, that should be ..... an amount of stupid people ..... no, that doesn't sound right either. Anyway, a stupid amount of stupid people descended upon St. Ives for New Year's Eve. The consequences of trying to stuff twice as many drunks as permanent residents in the same little town are documented (at least the bits we could publish are documented) in the Chilly Con Carnage section.

Laugh? Strangely enough I didn't when I saw all the lumps that had been carved out of my car.

If anyone is planning ahead for next Xmas and thinking of getting me a present, a Kalashnikov and 1,000 rounds of ammunition will do me just fine, thank you.

Even the authorities have had to come clean and admit that the whole thing is getting out of hand. Both police and ambulance services said that they would be very deeply in the brown whiffy stuff if something serious happened.

Going Down

Residents of two houses in Wheal Ayr Terrace were forced out of their homes just days before Crimbo when subsidence caused by previous mining activities threatened to result in the collapse of the properties.

A spokesman said that it was feared that a substantial cavern may be beneath the houses, describing the ground beneath the foundations as being as hollow as a tourist's head and as empty as a Government promise!

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