5 April 2002


Forgotten But Not Gone

Well, it has been a slow news week for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I was skivvying in the slave pits for most of the Easter weekend and so did not get to see the outside world much. Secondly, the more alert among you may have noted that little item that got slipped into the news ..... apparently, the Queen Mother is dead (although how anyone could tell is beyond me)!

Naturally, the tragedy of this poor woman's life of luxury and privilege being cut brutally short at age 101 has hogged the headlines to the point of eliminating any other minor news stories that may be taking place. So, the Reporting Team apologise if they are a bit short of  scoops this week but you know who to blame.

I must admit that, being a history graduate, I've always had a soft spot for this septic isle's traditions but on coming home every night after 12 hours of sensory deprivation in the galley only to be bombarded by 'Queen Mother Specials' interrupted by the occasional 'extended news following the death of etc. etc.' I am being rapidly transformed into a raving republican!

And we've still got another four days before they bung her in the ground. God help us if QE2 pops her clogs, the country will probably be shut for six months!

Lovely Boating Weather

Good Friday saw the traditional annual St. Ives Regatta take place in glorious sunshine. Don't ask me why (it's probably some throwback to pagan sacrifices or some fishermen's superstition) but residents of St. Ives decamp to Consols Pool and float their model boats. (The Mayor even had a go).

Anyway, all seems to have gone well and at least this time they remembered to clear the pool of weed and underwater obstructions following previous 'unfortunate incidents' involving models of the Titanic and Lusitania!

A Load Of (Crystal) Balls!

The Reporting team got bored while waiting for something worth reporting to happen and went up the Island last night to do a bit of star-gazing. Here are the classified results:-

Aries (March 20-April 19)

A good week to be kind to hedgehogs. Also, don't let the grass grow under your feet. You are Aries, the Ram, so eat it, it's tasty and nutritious. Avoid people with mint sauce, they have hostile intentions towards you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

A good week to be kind to Flat Erics. As a Taurean you are naturally full of bull and so should consider a career as Tony Blair. Beware of people who pretend to be your friend but carry steak knives, they have their own agenda.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

A good week to be kind to Soup Dragons. This is not a good time to express your opinions (particularly the one that you are obviously not identical twins because your sibling looks like a freshly mangled baboon). Be careful about accepting any invitations to take part in genetic experiments.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

A good week to be kind to sheep. You should avoid very hot curries over the weekend or you may suffer some discomfort due to meteor showers in Uranus. Try to steer clear of people with an unhealthy willingness to discuss 'personal issues' in so far as they relate to crabs.

Leo (July 23-Aug22)

A good week to be the golden child of the Prime Minister. Try not to be found in a pool of vomit, urine and faeces as you may be mistaken for your older brother.

Virgo (Aug 23- Sept 22)

A bad week to be a virgin (is there ever a good one?). Try not to get involved in relationships with people who have an interest in the life and works of the Marquis de Sade. 

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

As the sign represented by scales this is a good week to be kind to snakes. Try to keep a balanced view of things going on around you but stay well away from EU inspectors wanting to check whether you are measured in pounds or kilograms.

Scorpio (Oct 23 -Nov 21)

This is the sign under which all St. Ives businessmen are born and with it being Easter and school holidays, etc. this will be a good week to sting people. Do not let your reputation as poisonous vermin distract you from ..... er ..... well, behaving like poisonous vermin.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

It's the Easter hols so this is a good week to get your bow and arrows out and start blazing away. Archery practice aside this will not be a good time to be out and about. Something mildly unpleasant will happen to you later in the week. Probably involving a goat.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

A good week to play practical jokes on Sagittarians. Assert yourself. You may be half fish, half goat but deep down you're 100% man (unless you are a woman) (or, in deed, half fish, half goat, in which case ..... good luck). Give your self-expression greater latitude and you'll soon find yourself a Tropic of conversation.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

This is the dawning of your age. No, hang on, that was the 60's. Sorry, news travels slow in Cornwall. A good week to water your hardy perennials. Beware of tabloid journalists who ask you to get your jugs out.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 19)

A bad week to be found in the fridge in the Sloop kitchen. Try to stay in and avoid Spanish fishermen at all costs. A good week to get your mates the mackerel and the monkfish to join you ins a jazz ensemble. The Cornish Trio are a popular attraction in local pubs and restaurants.

E&OE.

[Should any of the above predictions appear to come true next week, please consult your nearest LSD-abuse clinic!]

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