7 May 2004

Thought For The Week

Ta aggle orrym 'sy thie shen.

[I am frightened in that house.]*

* I got fed up waiting for Winwaloe to work these out for you so I've provided English sub-titles (and put them in for the previous bulletins as well). Just promise not to give W the answers if he tries to copy your homework!

A Love-Tate Relationship

With a fanfare of wailing stukas the latest Lebensraum plan for the Tat Gallery has been announced. Having failed to overwhelm the garrison of OAPs in the heavily reinforced Meadow Flats, Oberkommando Artzenfartzen has ordered its panzers to swing left and seize the heights of the Barnoon Ridge.

This is, of course, good news as it will bring in lots of money from extra visitors ..... although god knows where they are going to put the existing, let alone the extra, visitors as they are intending to annexe a chunk of the car park to build their new chamber of horrors on.

Poor old ems. Now they'll have even fewer places to park their Mercs, Beemers and Porsches. No wonder the St. Ives Reichsleiters are currently so busy training up the elite Tate Jugend to fight as specialist combat traffic wardens in a couple of years' time!


Good news. Apparently St. Ives' dodgy past could finally be the solution to one of its problems. As you know, St. Ives is really just a thin layer of soil (and tarmac) scraped over a vast collection of holes, which like nothing better than to lie in wait for unsuspecting people, vehicles, buildings, etc. and then swallow them up when no one is looking. You may also be aware that St. Ives has been prone to floods in recent years, culminating in the deluge of November 2002.

Now, some bright (or possibly, damp) spark has spotted that as St. Ives is made almost entirely out of holes it shouldn't really have a drainage problem. So, plans are now afoot, or underfoot to be precise, to carry out test drilling to connect a flock of holes to an old mine adit, so that excess water and crud can be flushed (with any luck onto unwanted beach bums) on Porthmeor when the Stennack gets overly frisky.

There Seems To Be Less Of The Past Then There Used to Be!

Well, the May Day bash came and went with a great raspberry (you could hardly called it a fanfare) of May Horns. There was much jollity and frivolity and, thank god, the ems don't seem to have discovered its existence yet so there was an oddly 'local' atmosphere (which will have to go, obviously!).

As well as the usual local municipal irrelevances, local busybods, Chris Cocklin and Shirley Beck bizarrely turned up in fancy dress as the first Mayor and Mayoress (Mare?) of St. Ives. I say 'bizarrely' because they keep doing this every May Day, they always come as the same people and they still haven't won a prize, so you'd think they'd try something else!

Another astonishing discovery was that Posh and Beck also touted around with them a copy of the St. Ives town charter. Incredibly, but truly, this only came into existence in 1639. I mean, I used to lurk in a half-a-horse town called Ormskirk (in deepest, darkest West Lancs.) and their charter was issued by Richard the Lying-Tart in 1187. I bet you've never heard of Ormskirk (it's sole claim to pseudo-fame is that it possesses one of only three churches in England that have both a tower and a steeple. Riveting stuff, eh?). Yet, here we are touting 'ancient, historic' St. Ives when it's only marginally more ancient than Milton Keynes.

If I was an em (perish the thought!), I'd demand my money back!

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