8 November 2002

Sick In Transit Gloria Mundi

Apologies for the lateness of this week's bulletin. Unfortunately, a particularly unpleasant gut bug has laid Vile Jelly to the bone. The computer not being in the bathroom, where he has been spending most of his time, the news this week will be especially brief and pointless.

Where Angels Fear To Tread ...

Following on from the reported sighting of the St. Ives panther in last week's bulletin (see Having A Beastly Time In St. Ives) the Reporting Team have found a couple of 'volunteers' to go out and try to locate the beast. As luck would have it, a birthday pressie from my nephew and niece provided the team with exactly the sought of superhero and faithful sidekick you need for this sort of thing.

Any Other Port In A Storm

A bad spelling of wether (or should that be a bad spell of weather) thwarted the attempts of legendary Greenpeace boat, Rainbow Warrior, to park in St. Ives Bay to change crews last Saturday. The boat had recently been on a dolphin-baiting expedition to the Scilly Isles but faced by Force 9 winds and 10 metre waves on its return was forced to lurch round the coast to park on the other side in Mount's Bay (near Penzance, where St. Mike's Mount is, for the uninitiated).

Un-bear-able

It has been such a slow news week that the front page feature of the Cornishman featured the loss of 4 year old Imogen Forster's teddy bear at St. Ives Swimming Pool.

The bear, called Teddy for some unfathomable reason, was left banged up in a locker while the humans went swimming. On their return they then left the poor creature behind. Despite a subsequent search by staff the stuffed ursine was nowhere to be found. Imogen is said to be very upset, although not as upset as the Reporting Team who are outraged at the poor bear's mistreatment and have been overheard muttering about joining the militant CALF (Cuddly Animal Liberation Front)!

To Bee Or Not To Bee

A bee (identity unknown) has been fingered as possibly responsible for the death of a German motorcyclist, killed in a head-on crash on the A30 last May. A Policeman who attended the crash scene said that he had seen a half-dead bee lying on the road close to the motorcyclist's helmet and glasses.

However, a spokesman for the bee said that there was no evidence that the motorcyclist had been stung (other than by the prices in St. Ives) and that there was no justification in the claim. He pointed out that the motorcyclist may have been confused by the (admittedly stupid) layout of the road and thought he was on a dual carriageway.

Also, Vile Jelly can confirm from his experiences on the Isle of Man (where mad motorcyclists abound, especially during TT) that practical experience has shown that foreign bikers, of which those of a krautish disposition make up the majority, have a nasty tendency to drive on the wrong side of the road when tired or distracted. This is why when you go to the Isle of Man you will see signs on all the major roads saying 'Links Fahren!', which roughly translates as: "For God's sake, you teutonic twit, you're supposed to drive on the left side of the road, so get over there now before there's a nasty accident!".

Despite this, and the tenuous circumstantiality of the evidence the police have issued a photofit of the suspect they want to question.

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