12 March 2004


Another One Bites The Dust (Part 1)

People visiting the beaches and coves around the Godrevy area this summer may be well advised to watch where they're putting their feet for fear of treading in 'sumpthing narsty'.

For some reason we are currently suffering from a wave of jumpers (and not the woolly variety either). For the third weekend in a row the St. Ives RNLI have had the unpleasant (and, to my mind, pointless) task of retrieving a dead bod from the bottom of Hell's Mouth (big cliff just up the coast from Godrevy, follow the signs ... and lemmings). Why not just leave them in the water to feed the mackerel? They're dead and if they can't be bothered to dispose of their unwanted bodies thoughtfully, why should we? Don't why some poor buggers from the St. Ives boat crew should have their weekend ruined by having to fish out their squishy remains.

Another One Bites The Dust (Part 2)

Will the last local to exit St. Ives please turn the lights out when they go!

More bad news, as it has been revealed that the Manor Nursing Home for the permanently bewildered in Lelant is to close. So that the property can be converted into holiday flats.

When an aged local resident was interviewed, it said, "But I don't need a holiday in Lelant, I live here already".

When the owner of the property was asked what would happen to the old folk currently cluttering the place up, he replied, "What old folk?", as he took delivery of an Acme Pasty-Filling Making Machine!

Mortified

Given all this, it is hardly surprising that John Knill is turning in his grave - OFFICIAL!

As you will know if you bothered to read the feature on the Knill Celebration, Mr. K had intended to be interred in his pointy monument overlooking St. Ives but, having failed to realise that trains to Penzance were temporarily delayed for more than a lifetime, he expired in that pustulent boil that they call London.

Consequently, his bod was cached in the crypt of St. Andy's Guild Church in Old Holborn (just opposite Golden Virginia), London. Unfortunately, due to the typically shoddy London workmanship the crypt was in danger of undermining the church, so workers crept into the crypt and Burke & Hared JK and about 3,000 other stiffs (probably crumblies by now) and relocated in the City of London Cemetery (or possibly Milton Keynes, same difference).

Chairwoman Of The Bored!

The joke that is WPC 'Ermine' Trudi Pitts continues to run and run in St. Ives. If you tuned into last week's bulletin you will be aware that the St. Ives Police Skateboard Propaganda Officer had organised a rally for last Tuesday.

And lo, to misquote Field Of Dreams, she built the pitch and they did not come.

WAFS!

Considering that they didn't come to her last great rally either.

Undeterred , Ermine pleaded for the yoofs to turn up at the next rally, even if only 15 minutes (are you kidding that's a quarter of an hour of drugs, booze and vandalism you are asking them to give up!), so that they can 'have their input and say'.

Which rather implies that the poor mistreated skateboarders have so far input and said the sum total of bugger all.

Which begs the question why are the St. Ives Police, who complain of limited resources, wasting time and effort proselytising for a cause which appears to be both hopeless and worthless. Is there some obscure clause in their charter that requires them only to look after the skateboarders (who don't seem to give a shit) and ignore the other 90% of the community (which does)?

Is WPC Pitiful getting paid to do this? Presumably she must be as she is clearly acting in an official capacity (otherwise she would just be referred to as 'Hey Trudi', 'Oi you', Mrs. Pitts or anything other than WPC). Because if she was using her title unofficially to promote a personal issue ..... well, that would be rather naughty, wouldn't it?

But she wouldn't do that, would she? So ..... clearly operating in an official capacity but why, then, are the St. Ives Police seemingly so willing to run roughshod over the views of the majority of the tax-paying electorate?

Still, Skate-Constable Pitts was after some useful suggestions to progress matters, so here is ours:-

The skate-sprogs are not going to waste their valuable time-wasting time by attending meetings about getting a skateboard park for St. Ives when they already have a skateboard park called St. Ives. What's more they are free to enjoy these facilities without hassle because their mate's mother is the local bobby on the beat. No, hang on, that can't be right. Surely, the Police wouldn't appoint a mother of three boys as the independent arbiter of the St. Ives skateboarding schism. Would they?

Now, if the Town Council were to promulgate a No Skateboarding by-law and the Police were to enforce it, then one suspects that the yoofs might find that they developed considerable more interest in (legally) pestering the local authorities for a skateboard park. In addition, the parents of the sprogs might also find it worth campaigning for the facilities as they certainly won't want the little sods staying at home and trashing that. Motivated self-interest, the great prime mover.

There, how difficult was that to work out?

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