19 December 2003

21 December 2003


Sorry folks, made a major rickets of the RT's Mystery Play [see below]. A whole page went missing. And, of course, it had to be the page where the plot, villains, murder weapons, etc. are revealed.

For those who have already had a read I apologise for my arsing the whole thing up, you may find the ending makes a bit more sense now.

This monumental cock-up was entirely due to the fact that:-

  1. I was full of germs at the time

  2. I was full of drugs at the time

  3. I am utterly incompetent

  4. I couldn't find my arse with both hands

  5. I am cursed beyond redemption and a disaster looking for somewhere to happen

  6. All of the above reasons

Sorry, better do the decent thing .....


19 December 2003

Deck The Halls With Bowls Of Jelly

Yes, just when you thought it was safe to go out again, it's the return of the king ..... I mean, festive season. My sympathies to all those shrieking 'Oh god, didn't we do this last year?' or a Bruce Willis-esque 'How can the same shit happen to the same guy every year'.

But fear not, as archangels are wont to say, there's still a chance you may be able to enjoy yourself. Pull up a mince pie and vat of sherry, roast Bing Crosby's chestnuts on the fire and snuggle up with an intriguing little read.

Yes, Small Cuddly Enterprises proudly present:-

The Reporting Team's Christmas Mystery Play 2003

A murder mystery short story in 14 Volumes, plus bonus footage never shown before in 2 additional epilogues.

Going Away MP-Handed?

St. Ives MP, Andrew George paid a Crimbo visit to the St. Ives and Penzance Royal Snail sorting offices this week as part of his latest tour (not sure which of his albums he is promoting).

This probably explains why I have not received a single molecule of post all week!

Just Visiting

All Penwith Council long-stay car parks in the district will be free from yesterday until Xmas Day.

For those of you unfamiliar with the place, the St. Ives long-stay car parks are in Hayle and Penzance.

Take The Money And Run?

There is an incipient argument brewing over the disposal of the extra income that is expected to be generated when next year's council tax comes in, as from this April second home owners will have to pay 90% of the full whack. Previously the discount had been 50% and, with so many second homes in Penwith, the new rate is expected to raise over £1,000,000 additional revenue.

The argument boils down to a difference of opinion, whereby Penwith Council think that the extra income should be used directly on creating more affordable housing and Cornwall County Council who say that it is too early to make a decision as they haven't submitted their expenses from the last fact-finding mission to Barbados yet!

Pull The Other One!

Proving that they have got a sense of humour after all, Inspector Wilkins of the St. Ives police farce [sic] entertained locals with some outrageously tall stories recently.

Particularly laughworthy was Inspector Wilting's insistence that his legion of 20 officers is going to enforce the no alcohol in streets by-law on New Year's Eve!

"You can imagine that there will, no doubt, be people who will get away with it but please be assured that there will be people that won't," quoth Inspector Weakling.

With up to 15,000 revellers expected and 6 tons of broken glass removed from the town last year we suggest that you don't bother to stay up late watching this space!

Terminal Thoughts

And now, my end is near and so I face the final crouton .....

What a crap year it has been. An absolute 'anus [sic] horribilis'. I'm not sure if I can be bothered renewing my breathing licence for 2004. We'll see.

Don't forget the RT's Mystery Play, they worked their paws to the bone making it. Donations in lieu of flowers gratefully accepted.

Remember, small cuddly people are for life, not just for Christmas.

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