21 March 2003


The Fest Goes West!

Hot gnus just in.

Yes, an overheated swarm of wildebeests just stampeded into town and announced that the September Festival for this year has been cancelled!

As touched upon previously, the event has been struggling in recent years to:-

Keep the finances in order

Get acts that people will pay to come and see

Organise a social function in a brewery!

Now Penwith District Council has pulled the plug on a £12,000 grant, having decided instead to fritter the money away on the area's homelessness problem rather than invest it sensibly on talentless, freeloading wasters with delusions of grandeur!

But appearances can be deceptive. They may be hot, sweaty wildebeests but that aren't necessarily bad gnus .....

..... for The Fringe goes on.

Yes, in a spookily St. Ivean way we are going to have a fringe without the actual festival it is supposed to be fringeing off!

So, you see, not such bad gnus after all. The fringe had all the good bits anyway, so we will still have the dubious delights of Harding's poetry readings, etc.

Skool For Scandal

Ha! If you visitors were wondering where all those obnoxious sprogs who clutter up the town when you visit are coming from, wonder no more.

The source of the pre-pubescent pests can now be revealed as ..... St. Ives Junior Skool.

Yes, it has been them who have been producing the little monsters but now they have been gripped by the authorities. Ofsted has just given the Joonyer Skool the official seal of disapproval, 'failing school' status. It is only the fifth school in Cornwall in the last eight years to achieve this dishonour.

The report identified the following weaknesses:-

They're crap at everything!

SSI says confiscate the little buggers' skateboards, burn them on a huge pyre and throw the teachers on top. It's harsh but, hey, you've got to make an example 'pour encourager les autres'.

We call it tough love.

Except without the love.

Scilly Business Idea Of The Week

Want to do a spot of light shopping on the Scillies but your private helicopter is in for its MOT?

Nyet problemski.

Now you can buy your Scillonian Wares on the internet!

Just log on to http://www.scillyshop.com and start spending your hard earned groats.

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