21 December 2001


Ark De Triomphe

Clearly concerned by suggestions in Spooky St. Ives a fortnight ago that the US Pacific Fleet might re-locate to Hayle the Royal Navy responded last Saturday by deploying HMS Ark Royal in St. Ives Bay.

HMS Ark Royal in St. Ives Bay, Cornwall 1

One of the larger RO-RO ferries belonging to the shipping line of the reclusive, self-made multi-millionaire, H. M. Queen!

HMS Ark Royal in St. Ives Bay, Cornwall 2

For those unfamiliar with British naval history the name derives from the long-standing British tradition of sending capital ships to go and inflict various military unpleasantnesses on anyone who has got the royals in a nark!

Sadly the Nark Royal did not manifest itself for long. We arose on the following Sunday morning only to discover an empty St. Ives Bay. Locals pointed out that this was the sort of thing that did tend to happen if you left things parked near Hayle overnight.

Rumours that they were selling cheap Sea Harriers in the back of some pubs in Hayle the following night have yet to be confirmed.

 Ticket To Ride

In a surprising development that is still under investigation by the Serious Fraud Office your correspondent won the travel voucher in the Sloop Meat Draw last Friday. We are currently looking for an airline company that will accommodate two hedgehogs, two sheep and a ..... er ..... whatever Flat Eric is!

Meat Draw regulars were somewhat astounded by the turn of events, not understanding how I had been able to get hold of a winning ticket. The answer, my friends, was blowing in the wind. Or, to be precise, using the draught created by someone opening the door to swap my tickets with Trevor's while he was distracted!

Festive Frivolity

Yup, folks, it's Crimbo again (in case you hadn't noticed). The reporting team will no doubt be out partying morning, noon and night so it's anybody's guess if the editor (who never gets invited to those sort of parties) will be able to get much done without them between now and the New Year.

In the meantime, here is a traditional yuletide song to help you through the coming storm:-

[Sung to the tune of Mistletoe and Wine by Rich Clifford]

Christmas time

Little kids whine

Families bicker all of the time

 

With stuff all on TV

And nothing to do

This is the hell we just pray we get through

 

CRISPY HATMAS ONE AND ALL!

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