24 September 2004

Thought For The Week

Vel oo er n'yannoo berreen dy liooar er nyn son?

[Have you made enough cake for us?]

Police Sir!

The Americans started it, of course, when they introduced sniffer dogs and, metal detectors in some skools to try to prevent the drug-waving, gun-taking yoof of today from behaving in class just as they behave everywhere else. Now, St. Ives Skool has taken this concept one step further by installing a police ossifer!

A secret informant, known only as 'our secret informant', tells us that community police officeress, Trudi Pitts, is now regularly in HMP St. Ives Skool on Fridays to have consultations/confrontations/condemnations/conflagrations (* delete where not applicable) with the sprogs in an attempt to dissuade them from a life of crime (or local politics).

Given the apparent foul-mouthed imbecility of those likely to be in the 'most at risk' category 'twould appear that the police officeress is likely to have her work cut out. Apparently the local bookies have already stopped taking bets on WPC Pitts ending up in therapy before the first snows of winter fail to fall!

Who! Do You Think You're Kidding?

You've got to laugh, haven't you? Well, I did. Heartily. Oh, the optimism of some .....

Those few of you who pay attention will be aware that the St. Ives Fringe Festival is currently on. Among various events there are quite a lot of bands/musicians of various ilks performing hither and thither.

All of a sudden, yesterday (when all my troubles seemed so far away), I got an urgent and excited phone call from a friend. 'The grapes on the wordvine are that Pete Townsend is playing tonight. Do you know where?'.

As it happened, I knew not. 'S odd, I thunk, if someone as (in)famous as guitar-smashing, Whoster, Paedophile Pete is playing I'm sure one of my insider contacts would have mentioned it to me. Especially as I was speaking to some of them this very day. I wonder what the festival prog has to say on the subject .....

..... oh dear!

Why does no one seem to know how to read these days? who.jpg (57562 bytes)

The Windmills Of Your Mind

Don't know if it made the news in your area but those stupid windmills they have plastered the North Cornish coast with finally came in useful. Not for generating any meaningful amount of electricity mind but the crew of a sunken boat managed to spot them while drifting around in a life raft and called the rescue services.

Good job they knew that Cornwall has these because otherwise, if they'd rung up and said they were somewhere off the coast looking at a load of windmills they'd have probably told the rescue services they were somewhere near Holland!

 Flower Power

St. Ives and Cardboard Bay have triumphed in the National Britain In Bloom competition. As reported previously, St. Ives went through to the national finals after winning the regional award and this week in Harrogate scooped the Best Town in Britain in the coastal resort under 20,000 (Good job the judges didn't come in August, there's usually that many just in the Sloop!) category.

Head Gardenia, John Bassett, was also awarded one of nine individual Britain In Bloom Commendations for all his years of toil. Asked what his secret was, the retiring Mr. Bassett just said, "Well, it takes all sorts"!


The twat that stole a fishing boat resulting in a lifeboat/helicopter chase which ended in the stolen boat hitting rocks off Godrevy was jailed for 120 days this week.

The stolen boat suffered an estimated £16,000 in damage and towing costs and the owner estimated he had lost £6,000 in earnings. That's before you factor in whatever it cost the RNLI and RAF to use three lifeboats and a helicopter to deal with the problem.

The criminal, Marvin McCrea, a 28 year old LONDONER said he took the boat because he thought 'it would be fun'. We say the RNLI should be allowed to nail him to the front of the lifeboat as a figurehead. For a bit of fun.


St. Ives Police have announced that they are launching a crackdown on the growing problem of 'boy racers' who have been generating complaints with their moronic motoring shenanigans (including a very snotty letter in this week's Cornishman apparently blaming us for what appears to be a universal problem in any place where the yoof of today gather in numbers).

Sgt Mike Roddray said that the problem was not just being caused by the St. Ives youthery. He said they come from 'Penzance, Camborne, everywhere'. He also went on to express the heretical notion that some of the hoolies may be young male holiday-makers.

But we all know that it is St. Ives that is at fault and that holiday-makers are all lovely people who make our lives wonderful, don't we? 


"I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas ..."

Those of you who dwell in or visit St. Ives at Crimbo will know that every year mini decorated Xmas trees were put in the flag-holding brackets of the shops and what-nots in the town's main streets.

But not this year. Or, 'twould appear, ever again. John Packard, chairman of the (apparently) now defunct St. Ives Chamber of Trade, announced that due to the size of the cost and lack of size of the people to do it, they would not be doing the Crimbo tree thing this year.

Which is rather poor.

Piss poor to be precise. Unfortunately, this is typical of St. Ives these days. Too many businesses are now owned and run by people with no interest in anything but the size of their own bank account. The money is there but it is in the possession of people who only want to take from and not give to the community of St. Ives.

Let's hope that Santa doesn't bring them any pressies this Christmas and that Jesus has got them on his 'Straight To Hell' list.

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