26 November 2004

Ghrapp ny thunnagyn bweey y slieau.

[The yellow ducks climbed the mountain.]

Have I Got News For You?

Well, obviously not. Due to routine incompetence I uploaded the wrong version last week and so there was no gnus bulletin.


With the correct version consigned to electronic oblivion I have asked the Reporting Team to try to recollect what last week's gnus was. After several intensive sessions in the Video/Computer room involving copious amounts of beer and pizzas this is what they could recall:-

Ring Peace?

Unconfirmed reports claim that the Dark Lord, Sauron, has been overthrown. Furthermore it is claimed that an unexpected challenger has successfully claimed the throne of Gondor after winning the WCW 'Rage In A Cage' Survivor series in the Battle Royale event held on Pelennor Fields, just outside Minas Tirith.

Elsewhere, police have asked the public to remain vigilant as they hunt for the assailant who bit off a Mr F. Baggins' fingers during an attempted mugging on Mount Doom.

While we wait for these reports to be confirmed we return you to Sky Sports Extreme's extended highlights of the crucial Group B Champions League match at Helm's Deep. It is midway through the first half and the orcs are playing from right to left ....

Half A Life Is Better Than None

Bad news. Our science, technology and general-weird-stuff correspondent, Professor G. Freeman, reports that all does not seem well in City 17.

Prof. Freeman, whom we thought we had lost during the 'unfortunate' incident at the Black Mesa Research Facility, has returned to report that "There is some seriously bad shit going down".

We shall bring you further bulletins as and when we get time to find out what the hell is going on.

Eeeee, You Can't Be Serious

Further news sprouts from Brussels where it has been announced that the EU is to launch a new commission (or, possibly, commission a new lunch) to investigate the series of accidental occurrences which are now commonly referred to as World War 2.

The president of the commission, Jacques Chitte, said that it was now believed that the war had arisen from the UK's intractable resistance to a single European market and government as proposed by the German Chancellor in 1940. Pointing out that, if it hadn't been for those meddling Allies, we wouldn't be having problems in the Middle East with Israel now, he went on to say that the insularity of the British meant that they totally failed to grasp the importance of massive subsidies to the french farmers, fishermen, transport and social services.

Moving on, Monsieur Chitte, said that, while he welcomed the entry of eastern European countries into the EU, he was not prepared to allow the entry of Russia. "I do not see why the french should be expected to subsidise such money-losing projects as the maintenance of 20 million war graves in the former Soviet Union."

And now this week's gnus ....

The Natives Are Restless (Part 1)

Masters Of Deception!

As Robert The Bruce used to say to his pet spider, if you don't succeed at first ..... cheat. Having defeated three previous attempts to situate a Tetra mast in their locale, you can imagine the surprise of the residents of Zennor on Wednesday when, completely unannounced, a convoy arrived from O2 and parked opposite the Gurnard's Head Hotel with what look suspiciously like ..... a Tetra mast.

Fortunately the locals had the gumption to get out their sharpest emmet-welcoming pitchforks and forced the O2 convoy to scuttle back up the A30 with its mast between its legs. Later Penwith District Council's chief commissar, Jim McKenna, confirmed that the council had been completely unaware of what was going on until the Zennorians got in touch. A spokesflunky for O2 claimed that they didn't have to notify anyone as to what they were up to as the mast was merely intended to be temporary while they tested the signal in the area.

Yeah, we've heard that one before.

The Natives Are Restless (Part 2)

An Unpleasant Development

More local unrest. In the last couple of weeks much shit has been stirred over a new re-development proposal, which wants to replace a bungalow at the top of Porthmeor Hill with a three-storey block of six flats. At a recent meeting St. Ives Town Council described the building proposal as 'a rape of the town'. From which we gather that they may not be entirely in favour of granting planning permission.

Elsewhere, a nearby resident, Lesley Silver, organised a meeting at the Arts Club to discuss forming a permanent protest group to oppose this and further inappropriate development in the burg. Such was the local response that over 40 people had to be turned away on the night due to the limited capacity of the venue!

So, is this it? No more Mr. Nice-St. Ivean from now on?

The Natives Are Restless (Part 3)

Coming Up For Ayr?

Further rumblings of local ungruntlement. St. Ives Town Council have been told that Cornwall County Council are looking to do a 'land-swap' deal with Penwith District Council. The two lumps of land in question being Ayr Field (about the only 'green field' site in St. Ives bar the cemetery) and Barnoon car park. The masterplan is that PDC will get Ayr Field to turn into a carpark and Cornwall CC will get Barnoon car park which they will then hand over to the Tate for its lebensraum plans.

'What's in it for us?' asked several town councillors. After much head-scratching no one could actually work out what was in it for St. Ives. Will it really bring in significantly greater numbers of tourists than the Tat already does? Given that everyone (ems and locals) seems to be bitterly complaining about the existing levels of congestion in the town is a massive civil engineering project likely to improve things? Given that the Tat is a national organisation, which can afford to let people in for free at other galleries, why do they need our Objective One money? 

Cornwall CC, Penwith DC and the Tate Organisation have so far maintained that they will respect the wishes of the town in any future development of the Tat Gallery in St. Ives. Looks like they've got a lot of missionary work to do or they'll just have to fall back on lying through their teeth to get their way.

What's In A Name?

It has been announced that St. Ives Fringe to the now defunct St. Ives September Festival will be defunct next year as it will then be the St. Ives September Festival. The new organisers have promised that the new name will not herald a change in direction for the Fringe. It will just be different.

Confused? Hell, I know we are. What's going to happen if someone decides to resurrect the defunct St. Ives Fringe to the St. Ives September Festival, which is really the St. Ives Fringe?

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