28 June 2002

Beware The Yellow Peril

Yellow lines may be re-introduced to the central parts of St. Ives. Some councillors clearly believe that many visitors to the town are so mind-meltingly stupid that they can't read the 'no parking' signs that are on the walls, pavements, etc.

The fools!

The parking problems are not being caused by visitors being stupid ..... They are being caused by the fact that that they don't give a stuff, as anyone who has witnessed their painful inability to deal with the disappointment of finding that the Island car park is full. Quite why anybody would want to sit in a car for hours on the off-chance a space may become available rather than just go and park somewhere else is beyond me. Sometimes only threats of physical force will move them on.

This attitude usually results in Island Road (particularly on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays) stacking up with 'just waiting for a space' cars ..... which causes cars to stack up on Back Road East ..... which causes cars to stack up on Fish Street ..... which causes cars to stack up on the Wharf.

So, if you find yourself gridlocked in St. Ives for no apparent reason console yourself with the thought that at least Harry Halfwit the Tourist and his Family of Fools will get that space, even if it kills them (or you)!

A Tenner For A Tenor

Let it not be said that St. Ives is some showbiz backwater (you are allowed to think it though!). International opera star, Benjamin Luxon, (never heard of him myself) is popping over from his luxury opera star's mansion in Massachusetts to appear, for a piffling £10, at the St. Ives Theatre on Sunday in a fundraiser for the town's adolescent amateur actors, Our Kidz R U/S.

We have yet to establish whether he will be doing requests but just in case the Reporting Team have put in a request for Firestarter by the Prodigy!

Very Un-Special K!

Apologies to the guests and customers (or in the more extreme cases, their widows and orphans) who experienced breakfast at the Sloop on Thursday. Due to easily foreseen circumstances the kitchen staff crisis had reached such a point that Vile Jelly was dragooned into burning the cornflakes. Unfortunately, things seem to have gone relatively smoothly (apologies to the couple who I forgot to give their eggs on their full englishes!*) and as a result the Vile One has been promoted (?) to a sort of break-glass-in-case-of-emergencies cook.

While regular visitors to Spooky St. Ives are unlikely to be affected directly by Jelly's Sloop brekkies, this additional activity does mean that there is now likely to be even less time to tend to the website. So, apologies in advance for the ever-diminishing returns.

[* In case you're worrying (or thinking of ringing Claims Direct), yes, they did get their eggs. We just told them brekkie always came with a fried egg 'side salad'!].

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