Here are some selected lowlights of what's hit the news (and fan) this week, surgically altered by the Reporting Team to prevent anyone being able to quote Spooky St. Ives as an authoritative source!

30 August 2002

Here Is The (Very) Late News!

It's OK, folks, no need to adjust your sets. It is really Monday the 2nd September it's just taken us this long to write Friday's news bulletins. For reasons which are about to become apparent ...

The Shift Hits The Fan

To confirm my belief that just when you think things can't possibly get any worse they promptly do. Having limped through the height of the season short-staffed, Alex (our junior masterchef) decided to take to a hospital bed on the Thursday before the Bonk Holiday, thus leaving us with three staff in total to work the busiest ten days of the year. Now, given that we would normally have three people on each shift this did have the effect of somewhat simplifying the duty roster at the expense of giving nobody any time off. Hence the lateness of the news!

If You Earn Peanuts ...

Fed up with living in abject poverty due to the total lack of revenue generated by Spooky St. Ives, the Shauns have decided to sack Vile Jelly from the Accounts Department and, using their sheep-like cunning, have brought in a top business adviser to make them some dosh!

Go West To The Fest

St. Ives just gets spookier by the day. We received an e-mail (see Bags Of Fun! in the E-Mails Section) from Stuart (of Stuart's fame (see Useful Links - Shopping) announcing the advent of Bagfest from 13th to 15th September here in our very own metropolis. If you want to know more about this glorious (and curious) event then hie yourselves hence to the website at www.bagfest.co.uk.

Pretty funky, eh? And a damn site more interesting than the next item!

Arse Gratia Artis

Hurrah! August is gone and, to misquote the legendary Alice Cooper song, School's Back For Winter! Unfortunately, every silver lining has a cloud attached to it. In this case, September means the arrival of the fortnight of flatulence that is the St. Ives Arts Festival. Those of you of a curious (in either sense) disposition can check out this year's atrocities on the website at www.st-ives-events.org.

Alternatively, (in either sense) you could check out the Fringe Festival which is based mainly at the Lifeboat Inn and from whence further information can be obtained.

Ironic Headline Of The Week!

Yes, splashed all over the front page of the St. Ives Times & Echo was the ultimate threat:-

'I won't be back' vows holidaymaker

You can imagine the panic that has run through the town. Even as we speak businesses are being put up for sale at knockdown prices and columns of refugees are winding up the Stennack as families move out of the Ghost Town-to-be!

[PS. If you are wondering what so offended her was being given a fine for parking her car without a ticket in the station car park. She objects on the grounds that the ticket machine wasn't working (which it wasn't in the evening). Penwith District Council are having none of it as she didn't bother leaving a note in her car to that effect (as others did), nor did she go back to the car the following day until after the fine had been issued ... at 9.24 p.m. Consequently, PDC are insisting on payment of the fine as, in addition to clearly not having two braincells to rub together, she hasn't got a legal leg to stand on either!]

Hope He Didn't End Up With His Namesake!

Sad to report the death last week of Peter Murrish. In addition to all the interesting 'real life' things he did he wrote the brilliant Old Nick column in the Times & Echo. Will someone take up the baton? We hope so.

Anyway, he did not go gently into that dark night, as he wrote his own obituary which has a real hoot.

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