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Helen Bristol 07 December 2002 19:22 Mission Accomplished
Operation Code Name: Mother's TV
Sir, I departed from HQ at 10.47 stopping only briefly to ensure that I had a
full payload of fuel in my vehicle. I proceeded in a NW direction. Slow moving
traffic, god, would I make the rendezvous in time? Crossed the Great Ouse
into no man's land, thence across the Nene into (Code Name)"
Brassicaland."
Sir, I used a cunning disguise. I had a bouquet of flowers in the back of the
vehicle "for Mother" in case I was stopped. My mud
besplattered green car passed scarcely noticed through the brassica fields.
Even the men standing stiffly in the middle of fields with arms outstretched
barely batted an eyelid as I passed.
Contacted Target 1 at "The House" using the agreed code "
I have come for Mother's television" to which she replied
"Yew'll be wanting the key then mi luv" I entered the building located
and removed "the object".
On to Target 2. "Mother was located and after a coded discussion the
documents were signed.
On the homeward strait. I left "Brassicaland" under cover of
darkness. Soon be safe. What's this? Blue flashing lights on the
bridge to safety. My god, they're on to me. A "broken down vehicle"
was blocking one lane over the bridge. Quick look around the car,
nothing obvious in sight. Put on "Greatest Rock and Roll Hits" Vol
5. Act casual. Alternating single line traffic. Guards able to look into each
passing vehicle. I'm across the bridge. That was a close call, Sir.
Back at HQ had a well deserved Chateau Lafitte before retiring to the bunker
to post my report, Sir.
The "Object" will remain at HQ until Agent "Charlie" can
remove it to a place of safety.
No, No Sir, it was nothing. I did it for Blighty.
My next assignment? Could be to the West!
****************
Hope you're feeling a bit perkier.
(Code Name) Helling
Reporting Team 07 December 2002 19:49
Yo, Helling-dude,
It's us, the Reporting Team.
Glad to hear that your extraction operation was successful. We can almost hear
the rotors of the Hueys as you deployed the napalm, agent orange and,
godhelpus, Tribute to clear the area before launching your
counter-brassiainsurgency raid.
Jelly is ..... well ..... Frankly he has gone to ..... er, jelly.
Despite his attempts to pursue life, liberty and happiness, so far he has
failed to locate even the 'and'. Like his laundry basket, things do not look
good.
Should there be a major faecal/ventilation interface conflict we shall be
moving in with you. Please supply directions.
PS. We've already worked out that you turn right at the sprout minefields, how
do we get the rest of the way?
PPS. Has Androo finished the Doom Bar? Let us know and we will bring some more.
(VJ won't be needing a credit card where he's going!).
Helen Bristol 08 December 2002 13:23
Greetings RT
Jelly isn't going the way of Uncle Frank is he? Let me help him.
Here is the "AND" all he has to do now is get a life.
Your know, the napalm and agent orange were nothing but there's a strange glow
in the sky to the north of us. Couldn't be something to do with the
Tribute???
We're easy to find. You just head for the M25, do a few circuits to gain
enough momentum to spin off up the M11 to where it joins the A14 and before
you know it you're in Norfolk. From there you head towards the East coast,
don't go north whatever you do, you could find yourself in Brassicaland.
The hardest part is getting up enough speed on the M25.
By the time you get here Androo will probably be going cold turkey and
need to mainline Doom Bar. I think you should make sure you travel together we
don't want anything to happen to the Shauns..........
PS They have some confusing ideas around here and sometimes there are 2 or
more places with the same name. And still the post (usually) gets to the right
house.
PPS Bring warm woollies (oops, sorry) once the wind (ahem!) is in the east it
blows in from Siberia. Its known as a lazy wind - blows straight through you
not round. But you know all about that from VJ
Take care
Helling
Reporting Team 08 December 2002 15:49
Hello Helling
Dunno, which way did Uncle Frank go? Last we saw Jelly he was going the way of
Hellesveor Cliff muttering something about an idea he'd had after watching a
documentary about Saipan in 1944.
Ta for the directions which we shall be using them if VJ doesn't get back soon
(especially in time to make our tea!). Don't worry about us getting up to
speed on the MXXV 'cos the Sonics are really fast. This is why you very rarely
see blue hedgehogs as they usually move at speeds undetectable by the human
eye. The Shauns will probably move quite sharply as well if we tell them there
is a coachload of Young Farmers following them!
If you run out of Doom Bar in the meantime at least Androo can console himself
with the thought that at least he is in the right county for cold turkey.
PS. If you are surrounded by brassicas and those who feed off them no wonder
you suffer so badly from the wind over there.
Helen Bristol 08 December 2002 17:08
I see. Those Young Farmers are the same all over the country. A young Shaun
just can't feel safe. Not like that in my day m'dears.
Didn't think many people had TV in 1944. Must have been one of the
fortunate few. He certainly carries his age well.
Talking of tea, Andrew is currently slaving over a hot oven. Me?
Slaving over a hot quill pen - doing the Chrissie cards - don't you just love
it?
Helling
Reporting Team 08 December 2002 21:27
Bad gnus .... Jelly came back.
We are not sure what he was doing watching TV in 1944 either but as for
carrying his age well we think it has something to do with all that Doom Bar
he drinks. Not so much well preserved as pickled.
What's Big Mac cooking? Bet it doesn't involve either turkey or brassicas.
Probably a Doom Bar pie or some such.
Good luck with the Crimbo cards we always struggle with them. There are only
so many ways you can say 'hi, happy xmas, bugger all has happened since last
year, be writing to you again this time next year'. Jelly has it easy cos he
hasn't got any friends which saves him a fortune in biro ink and stamps at
this time of year.
We are off to write Volume 9 of our Crimbo pressie list. Jelly will have to
work extra long hours to pay for it all but what the hell, it's Crispmas!
Be squeaking to you again, no doubt.
Nighty night.
Youknowwho.
Helen Bristol 09 December 2002 18:44
You ungrateful bunch! There he slaving his wotsits off to keep a roof over
your heads, food in your mouths AND Crimbo pressies and you say his return was
bad gnus. I guessed he must have returned as none of you turned up shivering
on my front door step. It wouldn't surprise me if after that you just
get a chocolate orange and a colouring book....between you all for Crimbo.
Big Mac did loin of Gloucester Old Spot and very nice it was too. Naturally
brassicas were involved in the form of Savoy cabbage. Don't do turkey
after the article in the Sunday Rag. Its beef casserole tonight, one wot I
prepared earlier. Give me plenty of time to start the Dundee Cake off if the
brandy ever gets as far as the mixed fruit.
The secret of eternal youth! Hurrah. get some more Doom Bar. Beats HRT (
Helling's Redcurrant jelly Tarts) any day.
Off to the TurnOff prize exposition on Saturday. Will dispatch a report asap.
Speak to you soon
H
Reporting Team 09 December 2002 21:55
But we're not really ungrateful. It's just VJ is so used to abuse and
unappreciation that it throws him off if we do the contrary. Really, we quite
like the old fool, especially as he has made us famous on the internet. Also,
he takes in our fellow waifs and strays as will be revealed in the next
bulletin so that all our friends get roofs, nosh, crimbo pressies, etc. But
some tell him we said so 'cos he finds it difficult to cope with acceptance.
We have gone right off Androo now that we find out that he has been secretly liaising
with the enemy. Cabbage, indeed. We say pah! If we come to visit we shall only
cuddle up with you. And turning the lights off won't help him because we can
easily tell the difference between humans who smell of cabbage and humans who
smell of brandy. We like the cut of your cake, young fella!
Got to go now. VJ has just limped back from a breakfast split at the Slupe and
we haven't finished making his banana daiquiri yet.
Helen Bristol 10 December 2002 18:49
Which one of you is the undercover psychotherapist?
Androo may well have liaised with the enemy but he was working for MI6 so
that's OK
Would that be a menage a sept? or more.
You'll have to teach me how to mix a banana daiquiri.
Reporting Team 11 December 2002 08:13
Orm, although he's not so much a shrink as a squeeze. He also serves as an
emergency strait jacket when Jelly gets particularly manic.
We thought MI6 were the enemy. At least according to David Shayler. Or was
that MI5? In either case we don't think you should really trust sinister
secretive organisations that try to disguise themselves as motorways.
We are now, following the latest influx, a menage a N (where N is a number
tending towards infinity - can't find the right symbols on the keyboard to do
the maths equation).
We're not sure about the banana daiquiri ourselves. We couldn't find the
recipe book. Then we couldn't find any bananas. So, in the end we just made
him a Comfort Manhattan which seemed to hit the spot (as he downed it in one
and hit the floor). He was still there last we saw so we got the bed all to
ourselves. Bwahahaha!
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