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Helen Bristol [Continued from Injury Time ] 28 March 2003 12:32 Re: Get well soon
Last I saw was some other foreign stuff in the fridge. Not seen any Doom
Bar recently, unless he has secreted it in the darkest, farest, most cobwebby
corner of the cellar where only the desperate venture. Anyway, with
Southwold ales its not just the magnificent beers but the ambience of the pubs
( referred to in CC's response to Winwaloe)
Youncpl ( my fingers have gone all dyslexic) You could always go for the
symphony vote and wear a sling!
That's the whole point of East Angular ( as Hereward and Boudicea were both
well aware). Invading forces, whether troops or law enforcement, had to cross
what you now rightly describe as the US DMZ, but used to be just bog, before
the Dutch got to grips with it. Not forgetting , of course, that the
London Orbital has to be negotiated before even reaching the hinterland.
Its possible to take the scenic route which could take days rather than hours
but could be quicker if there is the usual huge snarl-up at
Heathrow.
Apart from a fog warning this a.m. down the East coast ( which we count as
being us even though we're 20-odd miles inland, because the fog always comes
up the Waveney Valley) the weather is holding good. The sun at the
moment is winning the battle and I have every confidence that I will be able
to sit in the jungle this afternoon.
I thought all our fighters, etc had been sent to the Gulf but there
still seem to be enough left to continue defending the locality from invasion
from the West even if you made it across the DMZ.
PS I hope the RT are making sure you have all the Chicken Soup, Doom Bar and
grapes that you want.
Vile Jelly 29 March 2003 09:58
Must be good pubs if you end up being whisked off to hospital in an ambience!
Perhaps Ample Anorak could meet up with St. Winwaloe for a Southwold Drinking
Deathmatch. You could record it for SSI and the RT could do a feature called
Clash Of The Tight Ones!
It is a froggy morning in St. Ives today. I can hardly see by face directly
behind my hand (or whatever the expression is). We collectively won bugger all
in the Meat Draw last night (again!).
PS. Soupie has organised the Birdie Broth, I believe the Sonics will be acting
as my Doom Bar runners down to the Slupe during the rugby. Oh, and apparently
the Shauns have gone out to get some ointment for my grapes!
Helen Bristol 29 March 2003 17:25
From what you've said in the past, I doubt whether your Doom Bar will make it
from the Sloop to Chez Kelly if the Sonics are conveying it. Never mind,
you'll have the broth to fall back in.
Confidence can be soooo misplaced. Despite a promising start the sun
lost its battle with the fog yesterday and it remained dreary and got colder.
I s'pose I could have put on my thermals and sat outside, but it all seemed a
bit pointless - sunbathing with no sun.
There's an article in today's Grauniad about the joys of holidays on the
Cornish coast. The one I liked was at Portheras Cove, twixt St.
Ives and St Just, where you could take a jaunt along the cliff path to the
beach. Imagine doing that with the lilo, brolly, picnic and kids.' Though
it does also extol the delights of the Tinners. Be prepared for even
more visitors..........
I think AA quite liked the idea of the Southwold Drinking contest. It
will be fine just as long as they don't try to take a short cut across the
river to Wobbleswick avoiding the Bailey Bridge. I'm not fishing them
out.
Vile Jelly 29 March 2003 18:06
Oh Lordy no, the Sonics are quite well practiced at Doom Bar handling.
Possibly because always insist on doing 'live ammunition' practices. Not sure
what they do with the surplus after the exercise though!
Don't even mention the threatened influx of emmets, please. Someone else (with
a similar gallows humour) recently quoted an article in the Daily Dogpoo
saying that foreign holiday bookings were down 70% and so they assumed that
they would all be coming down here this Summer to take their misery out on us.
You know about Mardi Gras in Rio, New Orleans, etc.? Well, we were thinking of
instituting a new festival of debauchery which will be called TGTG* and take
place on a wet Tuesday afternoon on no particular date in February. Then, for
a brief, magical, mystical moment the people of St. Ives will meet up and have
a drink and a laugh and catch up with the news and scandal .....
..... mind you, for the other 364 days it will be Poo City.
PS. A propos of the battle of Wibbleswich, even though I have never met St.
Winwaloe I suspect that typecasting will insist that when they come to the
'log across the river' Big Mac will be literaturely contracted to playing the
role of Little John!
* Thank God They've Gone.
Helen Bristol 29 March 2003 18:23
Vile Jelly 30 March 2003 09:55
I couldn't agree more!
Oh well, it least your latest oeuvre was more interesting than watching
England scraping past the Sudbury Paperboys XI last evening.
Helen Bristol 29 March 2003 18:27
Next year it'll be 365.Ha ha! Don't know why you grumble so much about
the emmets...being only an honorary Ian yourself. Pots, kettles, black?
I had imagined the saintly one might walk across the river.... anyway
who's been talking? He never (at least not while I'm around) wears a
skir... sorry, kilt.
Vile Jelly 30 March 2003 10:00
Er, well, not it's not exactly because they are emmets per se, it's just that
large amounts of emmets seem to revel in being ignorant, uncouth,
obnoxious, rude, uncaring, arrogant and unpleasant. To paraphrase an Ani Di
Franco song, we've got to
Watch out for these people
Because I think they want to shoot us
Or maybe they're having some sort of competition
To see who can be the rudest
Not sure about the relative noir-ness of the pot and kettle argument either.
Your logic seems a tad specious. On the grounds that I can't grumble about
emmets because I am one, does that mean that you are in favour of the war in
Iraq because that's been started by humans and you are one?
PS. I thought Robbing Hood and his Boisterous Blokes wore tights, not skirts
(or kilts).
PPS. Disproportionate Duffelcoat's gone awfully quiet again. He's not fallen
in the river, has he?
Helen Bristol 30 March 2003 11:34
Point taken.
As to Robbing Hood ........who knows, they were the figment of someone's
fevered imagination from Nottingham and points east.
No, just very busy and, poor thing, he has got a cold. My sister
brought one back from the Antipodes and she came to stay 2 weeks ago. Also
BM's son's girlfriend brought one with her last weekend when offspring and
respective girlfriends came over for Sunday lunch. Not much chance of
escaping, but I'm still fighting it off.
Glad the other emu was so riveting!
Vile Jelly 30 March 2003 16:08
But what are podes? And why are Australians so opposed to them?
It's a mystery that not even the few Horsetralians I've met have ever been
able to explain.
Good luck with the anti-germs (did you know either the auto-correct or, more
likely, I typed that out as 'anti-germans'. Froodian or what?) regime. I know
what it is to suffer from gratuitous inherited relatives. It brings to mind
the old krikkit story of a hapless slip fielder who let a low chance go
begging
"Sorry, Skipper, should have kept my legs closed".
"Too late", he replied, "Your mother should have done
that"!
PS. England just stuffed the Irish in the rugby, entire Reporting Team busy
organising mule trains to ship adequate supplies of alcohol to Jelly Mansions.
Dressings come off tomorrow so I need the extra anaesthetic!
Helen Bristol 31 March 2003 10:18
's obvious, from the Greek pous, podos (it would take too long to use the
Greek script) meaning foot. So they are against yards, feet and inches
(Imperial measurements to you and me) Therefore it is a pro-republican
movement.....I think. Your friends from down-under would naturally deny
all knowledge of it as they are supposed to be loyal to the
Crown, Duke's Head or Wombat and Roo.
Think I'm losing on the anti-germ front.
Keep us posted about the severed digit. There was an instance of
misspelling quoted by one of the consultants when a junior medic had
written that a patient was suffering from a "sever head (ache) sic"
Vile Jelly 31 March 2003 15:32
Maybe, they are just against feet generally.
If they were as sore and sweaty as mine after my latest expedites I certainly
wouldn't blame them.
Don't let the germs grind you down. I have discovered a perfect antidote .....
..... you drink copious amounts of alcohol during the day and so crash out for
the night. Yes, you wake up the next morning feeling terrible but that's the
beauty of it! If you're full of illness you're going to feel like crap the
next morning anyway, so, in effect, you've had a good sesh without
accumulating unnecessary suffering.
Helen Bristol 01 April 2003 12:08
They have. I really didn't feel like getting up this a.m. ( nothing to
do with your advice which incidentally worked until about 5a.m.) but I thought
I had a new window cleaner starting today and felt I ought to be presentable
when he arrived. Staggered into the shower etc. etc. By now he's 1
hour late and light is beginning to dawn that "next Tuesday" meant
8th and not 1st. Hope this isn't his idea of an April Fool. I'm not
laughing. I could have stayed curled up nice and cosy with MC.
I shall now go and wallow in self pity until Androo gets back from the wilds
of Essex.
PS. How's the dangling digit?
PPS. I jumped the gun a bit - he was just running late! Haven't had the
windows cleaned for eons and the day I get them done it rains.
Vile Jelly 01 April 2003 16:29
The offending digit appears to be reasonably re-attached which means that I am
back in the Slave Pits on Friday with a Saturday split followed by the icing
on the dog turd, the quarterly artyfartys' bash on Sinday [sic]. If only
art imitated death instead of life!
PS. I presume that it was the windy-cleaner and not BM who burst in on you in
'flagrante delicto' with the ol' fleabag.
PPS. St. Winwaloe has just (briefly) resurfaced. Not sure about the current
status of the 'walking on water while turning it into wine' project but at
least he appears to have learned how to float!
Helen Bristol 01 April 2003 17:19
Well someone's got to calm the old boy's nerves when there are strangers on
ladders about.
Just been signed off for another 2 weeks. I've got to go and be seen by
an Orthopod. Hope I don't have to wait 4 weeks for that appointment, but
being in the business I should get fast-tracked as they want us workers back
at the coalface asap.
I wasn't aware that his saintliness had been submerged. Did he just pop up to
the surface or drink his way clear? I thought he was more about
water-into-ale
Vile Jelly 01 April 2003 20:05
A gastropod? Isn't that a snail?
Good luck, just remember to take a tub of salt with you just in case it gets
too intimate!
PS. No more (burbled) rantings from the proto-saint since the last edition.
Maybe he is finding the qualification course tad testing. Honestly, the
youth of today! No wonder the modern age doesn't have the miracle output of
the middle ages. When, you see the material he/she/it's got to work with no
wonder not even god can get positive results!
PPS. Good luck with the spine. You can have mine if it does you any good (it
certainly doesn't do me any).
Helen Bristol 02 April 2003 11:25
I thought a gastrobod was someone who enjoys food, which could well include
snails if you like that sort of thing, with or without salt.
I think you're being too judgmental. Anyone working towards
cannonisation won't go around telling everyone what he/she's done just incase
we all think he/she is barking. They wait for someone else to exclaim
"It's a miracle" and then halos and the St. prefix.
Thanks for the offer. I'd need to inspect it to make sure its in good
condition and the right size. After all you wouldn't buy a car without
test driving it. If it was OK we'd have to take you off any kitchen
duties involving salt!
Vile Jelly 02 April 2003 15:28
Judgmental? Moi?
Tsk, tsk, you know that I am the very soul of toleration!
Still, you might be right about waiting to see if Winwaloe comes up with the
goods. On the other hand what a coup for SSI it would be if we beat the
vatican to the next canonisation. You never know, once he's earned his halo
maybe he will go forth into the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights and come
back with a cure for back pain (or at least a good bottle of liniment!).
Let us pray .....
Helen Bristol 02 April 2003 16:00
Amen to that........
I thought he'd done the 40 days and 40 nights bit when he went out onto
Dartmoor or Bodkin, wherever. Wasn't that shortly before he sank from view? If
he manages the water-into-wine trick he could go onto lead-into-gold
and then we could all give up work buy up SI, build the Great Wall of
Cornwall and plunge ourselves into an emmetless life of hedonism.
With all these days off have you been taking the RT to places of interest to
further their education? You mentioned that you felt you ought to be
doing something of the sort. It must cramp their style a bit with you around
all day.
PS All quiet on the Outsize Anorak front - he's lost his voice -
sounds more like one of the blue-chinned frogs in the pond, or a 14 year old
PFY.
Vile Jelly 02 April 2003 18:46
I have been doing some investigating and expediting. The problem is that you
really need to do things twice: once to establish where everything is and then
again to be able to record it with reasonable detail. 4 egg sample, I walked
the coast path from SI to Z, there and back, twice, before I was able to do
the thing justice. This means that I have spent most of this week in the
missionary position (if you pardon the metaphor) wearing my best investigating
feet (now violently throbbing in the dusk) so that in the unlikely event that
I get any more time off I will be able to lay the info eggs.
Do you think I am being too hard on the ems?
In the cold light of day I think I have been .....
BUT
..... in the white hot heat of the working day it is sometimes difficult to
give them 'the benefit of the doubt'.
Oh yes, Cornwallshire has more than its fair share of f***wits, I won't deny
it. But, at least, they are local imbeciles who are justified in their
presence and attitude on the grounds that (1) they don't know any better and
(2) they live here. When someone turns up from Lunding or wherever with a
personal income greater than the GDP of Cornwall but the inability to shut the
door after them/say 'please' or 'thank you', etc. it does get on your tits.
Of course, as a Backtickler of Arts (Horrors) in Hysteria I am naturally drawn
to the past but the really sad thing is that even in my short 'wheni'
existence down here I have already seen a shrivelling of what few were left of
the 'old lags'.
The past is not what it used to be!
PS. Ozzy Osbourne (he of the 'Living With The Osbournes' prog) was once
arrested for urinating on the wall of the Alamo. The quote from the Texas
policeman who ran him in was along the lines of "When you piss on the
Alamo you piss on this nation'.
I tend to have much the same feelings about this place.
Helen Bristol 03 April 2003 14:30
There's always a BUT isn't there. I guess SI is similar to Lowestoft in many
ways. I find it fascinating listening to the stories some of my patients
can tell.
Don't s'pose you ever have time to watch Timeteam. It irritates the hell out
of me with only 3 days to do a dig. Anyway they are planning the Big Dig
later this year and the intrepid Sir Mortimer Macdonald has registered Poho
Acres for a dig. Trouble is I think the site where the pit will be
sunk will be in the middle of what I had hoped by then to be a newly seeded
lawn. Not a bonzer idea really. I've already got back to 1825
(Land Act) with the history of the site but now I've got to go to Norwich to
look at old maps. The last time I was about to do it there was a rather
devastating fire in the library but a beautiful new edifice has arisen,
phoenix like, from the ashes. I suppose now would be as good a time as
any to do some sleuthing.
Talking of the lawn - I had a chap (ex-military type) here yesterday to
discuss redesigning the back garden. Hugely underwhelmed. I don't
take too kindly to being patronised. You could almost here the
"little lady" at the end of his sentences. His opening gambit
was along the lines that it would cost £Ks with the implication that I
couldn't afford it - too damned right, but I didn't need him to tell me.
He obviously didn't want the job but agreed to send me a quote for some
of the work. Not a good listener either, which is a bit of a handicap
when you're trying to find out what someone wants done.
Its doing April showery things today, they bring the flowers that bloom in
May.
Vile Jelly 03 April 2003 17:24
To my internal [sic] shame I have not seen the last batch of Time Teams. I'm a
big fan of it because it features (1) real people, (2) real history and (3)
real history people with an attitude. Long may it continue.
Malheuresement, I have discovered that one of the unadvertised pitfalls of
shi(f)twork, as in the Slave Pits is that days can go past when all you have
the strength to do is work and sleep and, so, before you know it, one of the
few things worth watching on TV has escaped you before you even got to read
the TV guide.
I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about your encounter with Colonel
Blimp (CO of the 2nd Regiment Queen's Gardening Cavalry). Agree entirely with
your reaction but I believe that the only suitable response is to communicate
in their own terms and unleash unspeakable violence upon people of these ilk.
Which is why the normally peace-loving Canadians spend so much time shooting
ilk and even more peace-loving Swedes run the ilks over with their Volvos and
then try to conceal the evidence in their freezers (you might need Capacious
Cape to explain the latter bit of that).
PS. If your library has arisen Phoenix-like does that mean it's now in the
middle of Arizona? Hell, London Bridge is!
PPS. Forgot to ask after your previous communiqué, what's a 14 year old PFY?
Helen Bristol 03 April 2003 19:54
PFY = pimply faced youth i.e. one who's voice is breaking
know about the ilks. He does speak to me occasionally!
You and all the others who work in slave pits of one kind or another. Haven't
you discovered the joys of video?
I've just been buzzed by some EXTREMELY low level flights - well below the
admitted 1500ft. god I don't know how the Iraqi citizens can cope- I'd be
terrified.
Vile Jelly 05 April 2003 09:21
Videos, what they?
Actually, I have got one the point was that not that I can't set a video but
rather that by the time I discover the existence of a prog worth watching it
has been and gone. Also, one of the drawbacks of shiftwork (espec. when busy)
is that you tend to lose track of what day of the week it is. Besides, I'd
probably never get the time to watch what I'd recorded anyway.
PS. I think that the Iraqis console themselves with the thought that if the
Yanks are aiming at them then they are probably safe. Not so sure about your
position though. It might be wise to send BM down to Scudulike to purchase a
DIY home defence SAM kit.
Helen Bristol 05 April 2003 11:39
Nasty! I can't get to grips with our new one as its all complicated
buttons and timer and never switches itself on when it should.
Scudulike were all out of the SAM kits, and duct tape and plastic sheeting -
the latter probably because the local Rotarians have bought up a job lot to
send overseas in their emergency boxes. They did suggest I tried using
the carboard tube from a kitchen roll, any left-over fireworks and some
sticky-backed-plastic instead, and I should ask a grown-up (what they?) to
light the blue touch paper.
Currently they're ( RAF/USAF) seem to be doing the high-level raids again, but
no doubt will be back to the low down stuff about tea time. I suppose when all
this aggressive stuff is over the flying aces will have to be content with
fooling about over the local schools and playing fields.
I wish dis buddy cobd wud go away
Vile Jelly 05 April 2003 15:43
I'm sure I ought to be able to come up with some appalling flu/flew based pun
for your cold and air force related problems. Actually, I can't because my
(alleged) brain won't work. On all day and night today followed by brekky,
lunch and the artyfarty's quarterly buffet tomorrow. Back in the slave pits in
an hour and trying (and currently failing miserably) to get the weekly update
done.
I'll speak to you either next week or from the afterlife depending on how
badly the next 36 hours go.
PS. Tell BM I will get round to his cheese when I can but haven't got the time
or energy to squeeze another new thread into the e-mails. Next issue, no
doubt.
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