Exodus - Stage Left! - E-Mail correspondence with Spooky St. Ives

Helen Bristol

13 July 2003 19:46

Operation Teabag (its in the little perforations)

Lo Ling reporting, Sir,

A little known website (codename Spooky St. Ives, I have yet to decipher what SSI really stands for), has published information about the covert operation to detach Cornwall from mainland UK, the aim being to make Cornwall CIA (Cornwall in absentia). I believed this to be a Top Secret, For Your Eyes Only, operation. It seems there must be a mole at HQ, though heaven knows I thought we had all the moles here in East Angular, making a valiant attempt to give the lie to the infamous comment made by the dastardly Mr. Noel Coward (how well named!) concerning the alleged lack of curvaceousness in Norfolk. You, yourself, know this to be untrue!

I understand that a line of perforations is being made along the Tamar, continuing the excellent work begun by the underground organisation know as the Tinners. At a given moment, as yet unspecified, a mosquito will sneeze in Sarawak and within 24 hours the Republic of Kernow will have been formed. There is also speculation about the government of the new Republic but this too has to be verified.

Sir, to ensure that we are not trapped here in what will then be enemy terratory, I need assurances that if and when the mozzie activity has happened you will inform me IMMEDIATELY so that my team and I can evacuate our dugout and travel incognito to HQ.

Will keep you posted about any further developments.

PS. The cycling is going well but I hadn't realised it was a race, I thought we were going on a cycling tour of France, c'est la vie as they say over here.

PPS Hope the balloon doesn't go up before we reach Paris. I'll be really fit for the fight by then.

Vile Jelly

14 July 2003 09:44

Curses!

We knew we shouldn't have put the Shauns in charge of security, they're about as much use as the CIA!

All we can say that we are going as fast as we can but have you any idea how hard it is to put thousands of little perforations in granite? Even the Sonics are finding it hard going.

We will, of course, let you know when the great detachment will take place (assuming you're not still competing in the Tour de France, in which case we'll let you finish the race first). Kustid says that CM is more than welcome but the RT are a bit worried that you might bring BM. They fear for the safety of their Doom Bar supplies! If you do insist on bringing him with you make sure he has several lifetimes' supply of Adnams with him.

We'll let you know where the secret border crossing is and you can meet up with Winwaloe who will be parting the River Tamar to lead the Chosen Ones to the Promised Land (hopefully in time to catch last orders)!

Helen Bristol

14 July 2003 18:25

I thought the Tinners had done most of the perforating. Heavens above, Cornwallshire isn't that far across.

CM has some reservations about relocating at his time in life, but I've talked him round with tempting hints about abundant hunting, fresh fish and how the challenge of a new life will rejuvenate him (that brought a twinkle to his eyes)

BM has already explained that Adnams is useless outside an IP postcode so the RT had better get on to the brewery to increase Doom Bar production (that won't give the game away will it?) I've just had a ghastly thought - what about all the emmets on hols in Cornwallshire when the Great Separation occurs? Will Winwaloe mysteriously transport them home?

PS Have you seen the Roobarb website. Got there through www.bbc.co.uk/cult/roobarb He's a STAR!!!!

Vile Jelly

14 July 2003 18:44

Pah!

The RT say that if BM does not turn up bearing gifts of ale then he will be regarded as an Em!

PS. If I remember the odd biblical anecdote, when Winwaloeses parted the Red Sea for the children of youknowwhat, Pharaoh and all his armies were drownded afterwards. Seems a touch soft, punishment-wise, to me, given that the Cornish RNLI will pluck anybody from a watery grave regardless of how stupid they are.

Well, there we are, as a vexed reincarnated Jesus said as he threw down the newspaper and alighted at the station for another day at work, we all have crosswords to bear.

Helen Bristol

15 July 2003 18:20

He say "Shan't go then if that's how they feel, so there" I'll just go and retrieve his teddies.

Yes, but Pharoah et al were chasing (as in trying to prevent them leaving) the children of youknowwhat out of Egypt whereas, if I have got the drift of your animosity in the past, you'd rather let the people go. The RT could create some sort of diversion to keep the RNLI busy at the other end of the county - a minor riot or the odd bit of wrecking should do the trick, I'm sure they'll have some good ideas, especially after a bucket or two of Doom Bar.

Then the hon. Ians can slip quietly into Kernow ( now that IS spooky - I was expected to emerge into this world as a bouncing baby boy - which you will have observed I did not - and the name the happy parents had chosen was Ian or Iain )

PS seems there's trouble in the Sumo world with 2 wrestlers squaring up to each other in the bathtub - apparently had to be separated - heaven help the guy delegated to do that.

PPS Found an ad for an activity holiday in the West Indies which included Sumo.

Vile Jelly

15 July 2003 21:47

Oh, let him spit his dummy out for now. He'll soon come crawling back when the Doom Bar withdrawal symptoms get too much. (Of course, he's not an addict, he just likes talking about it, he can stop any time he wants, any time at all ..... now where has that road map to the Rock Industrial Estate gone?).

Hm, might have to re-think the parting of the Tamar strategy. If only there was some way we could convince the ems to leave of their own accord. I know what, we'll tell them Tony and Cherie are coming to visit. Then we could dynamite the rail bridge (a la River Kwai job) after them. Of course, then we might have the problem of what to do with T & C. Oh, the agonies of decision. So few of them so many mineshafts to choose from!

PS. Either that was a very big bath or they'd have needed an industrial-size shoehorn to separate two sumos!

Helen Bristol

16 July 2003 08:32

Got it! Put on some sort of carnival along the Tamar free for the Ems. Come the Great Perforation the sheer weight of people will tilt (the then ) IRoK towards the river and the Ems will all slide under the waters. Of course, the Ians will be occupied elsewhere but at a given signal will move to central IRok to prevent a tilt in the opposite direction thus dumping most of them into the Atlantic. I'm convinced that the RNLI would want to save their own as a priority.

Vile Jelly

16 July 2003 16:09

A cunning plan and, like a grain silo, with no obvious floors!

Now all we need is some sort of suitable attraction to put on at the Carnival ..... Do you know anyone entertaining?

PS. This could be the big commercial break for Le Grand Ecosse, if he could just flog them water rather than fire escapes!

PPS. No need to regroup the Faithful, as you may know Cornwall is well hard and it would take a whole lot more than that to shift the terrain .....

..... on the other hands the Ems might find out that Cornwall really has been propping them up when the rest of the UK subsides to 10 foot below sea level!

Helen Bristol

17 July 2003 18:21

Forget the Great Perforation. What about the Big Deluge? Where was it? It was supposed to hit East Angular from your neck of the woods yesterday teatime, and, boy, were we looking forward to it. Hoped it would clear the air. It was 30C (in the shade) and muggy. Yes there were 2 brief showers, a few feeble flashes and a rumble or 3 of thunder and that was it. Even todays "overcast and wet" was a bit pathetic. I was hoping the main road would flood like it usually does at this time of year, but no. So BM's boat building efforts on the patio yesterday were a bit of a waste of time. I suppose we could tow it down to the Tamar in time for the Big Separation just in case we miss the hon. Ians crossing point. 'still all is not lost........it was good experience for him when it comes to reroofing the shed.

I've thought long and hard .........can't think of anyone I know whom I would call entertaining. Plenty who are somewhat zany, loopy or whatever word best describes them. Mind you, I would have thought that dropping T&C down a mineshaft would draw the crowds in much the same way as they gathered by Madame Guillotine. I'll get my knitting out.......

Vile Jelly

17 July 2003 19:49

Greetings, Madame La Tricoteuse,

I can assure you (on at least two counts) that it rained sheeps and hogs yesterday. I am still wringing out my internal organs I got that wet.

Personally, I regard being rained on as a natural and inevitable event. I'll bet there'll be loads of whinges from the Ems complaining that St. Ives should be sealed in bubble wrap just like the Edam Project!

Helen Bristol

17 July 2003 22:26

Well, lucky you! Not that muggy now but still feels warm. Love the rain and the smell of the earth after the rain...... not the same as it used to be -----don't know why.

Let them go to Eden!

Leave us to our natural elefants

Vile Jelly

18 July 2003 08:53

Hm, not so sure. We had more power outages and after a brief flirtation with dryness yesterday morning it started raining again in the later afternoon and has shown no sign of letting up yet.

Anybody would think it was the start of the skool hols!

I wonder if the Stennack will flood the town again.

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