Pie-Eyed Piper? - E-Mail correspondence with Spooky St. Ives

Helen Bristol

28 November 2003 17:42

Re: The Rich Trappestry of Life

Yummy, my favourite.

PS Circumstantial evidence. Excessive speed might've been cos the machine was dodgy. The presence of a couple of speedsters proves nothing except they are in the house. Does your occupation in a previous existence and your cheffing prove that you cook the books?

PPs Tell the Shauns to take it E-sy

Vile Jelly

29 November 2003 08:39

But then there's all the hoof marks on the inside of the drum. The Sonics don't leave any traces due to their frictionless trainers but ever since the rest of the gang decided to go for a spin .....

PS. Think the Shauns may have overdone the chemical substances last night. This morning they are overcome with lassitude (and longitude) and are making no sense at all. Thank god their brains are unaffected, then!

Helen Bristol

29 November 2003 15:28

The photo doesn't do you justice! 'though still recognisable. Don't be so hard on yourself.....................everyone knows they are the nation's favourite.

We're just back from the edge of the North Sea. The wind was blowing straight in from Siberia. Local shoppers being their usual intelligent selves. Made some bad choices in B&Q so the cold wind will be able to penetrate the house for a few more days until I can get back to change the draught excluder. BM's on kitchen duty today: pinny, wussie, and Nige. There was a piece in t'paper today about a Japanese chef's knife - a cool £2000.....no that isn't a misprint, and, no, again, it isn't a Global. Don't think that will be on my Crimbo list.

Gazing out of my window at the stunning view of the derelict factory I can see a drainpipe wafting about in the breeze and the corrugated cladding behaving like Norma Jean's skirt.

Oh well, s'pose I'd better go and get on with things domestic, though at present I'm not attempting to do a Nigella.

Vile Jelly

30 November 2003 09:25

Isn't it a bit late to be going to B&Q? Surely the Xmas sales are over by now. Or have they started the build up to Xmas 2004 already? And I don't think BM will be particularly amused by your attempts to install a draught beer excluder. Now, he'll have to try and smuggle his barrels from Mr. Chimbley through CM's cat flap (and that'll make CM's eyes water!).

£2,000 seems suspiciously cheap for a Japanese knife. What was it for slicing; fish, meat, veg or allied POWs?

PS. You're so lucky to have something like a derelict factory to entertain you. All we've got here is a bay full of water to look at! (Can't see the lighthouse as the waves are breaking over it at the mo.)

Helen Bristol

30 November 2003 13:28

Funny you should say that, 'cos there wasn't much in the way of selection. Compromised on the draught problem and will only use part of the cellar for my wine, then BM can have a couple or three barrels down there. He's working on a PLUTS.

At that price must be for ritual hara-kiri having just failed to remove the poisonous bits from your in-laws raw fish dish. The article claimed it was an all-purpose knife - so all of them and the rest.

PS So its rough then? Blue sky and warm at present, though the forcast is all bad again. I think it was when we were at Levant that the guide mentioned something about the spray coming right up the cliff there during winter storms.

PPS Got RSI from shelling shrimps and have severely restricted, painful shoulder movement....................at least I think that's how it happened.

Vile Jelly

01 December 2003 09:36

PLUTS?

Gor the PLUT bit - Pipe Line Under The ..... Sink? Sofa? Sausages? Ah, think I goddit. Is it Stairs? I thought you had an infestation of trolls under the stairs.

PS. It's rather feral and laniferous here (so the Shauns are enjoying it). Think I might try kite-surfing to Canada (or Finland depending on prevailing wind direction)!

PPS. Sure it wasn't the sumo?

Helen Bristol

01 December 2003 18:37

Think more globally. The pipeline has to run from the brewery to our mud hut.The trolls have moved, probably into the cellar, I've noticed CM peering down through gaps in the floor boards.

PS Deferably not sumo - haven't been doing any recently - too cold in that rigout til June.

Vile Jelly

02 December 2003 08:39

That is 'peering' isn't it? The place might begin to whiff quite badly otherwise!

Hm, that's got us baffled now, I shall have to consult with the Reporting Team and see what they suggest - Pipe Line Under The:-

Sheep?

Soupmines?

Serpents?

Sonics?

No?

Er ..... Sludge? Spuds? Sprouts? Stupid?

Go on, give us a clue!

Helen Bristol

02 December 2003 18:40

Ah, the all important "R". The need for Neutradol seems to occur when we've been away i.e. after he's been left in charge and had all his mates round for the duration.

Oh, come ON - PLUTO being ****Ocean, so PLUTS is ****? there's lots of the stuff in rural areas. Thought you were supposed to be super-bright. I s'pose I could have opted for PLUTE, but that would have been too obvious. I'm surprised your laniferous friends haven't got it. Was "Beyond Our Ken" before your time? (My OLDER sister has told me about it)

PS Bracing meself for Brassicaland this weekend. Wish me luck and a safe return.

Vile Jelly

03 December 2003 10:15

Got it. Well, the Shauns did ..... it's Stratosphere, isn't it? No one would look for it up there. BM is so cunning .....

..... but not cunning enough to outwit sheep. Bwahahahaha!

PS. If you're going anywhere near the B's remember, Xmas is a time for giving ..... the gift of Agent Orange.

Helen Bristol

03 December 2003 19:02

S*d it .........never thought you'd get it, even with your stratospheric IQ. And who said Shauns are stupid.

PS That's my reason for heading north this weekend. That and taking all my boys their toys. And girlie things for the girls as well.

PPS better go and feed the brute........I'm late home as I've been buying crimbo pressies.

Vile Jelly

04 December 2003 14:07

Sod it, eh? Sounds like a clue.

Maybe something to do with grass sods, then?

Now, what does grass grow in ...... Oops, must go before I soil myself.

PS. Give them sprouts and then they'll hate you so much you'll never be forced to go to Linkingsheer again.

PPS. Brief description of suspect inconclusive. Which one, CM or BM?

Helen Bristol

04 December 2003 16:52

Gold star and lots of brownie points...............or perhaps girl guide points............... for the more discerning gentleman (who he?)

Either or even both. Not that I'd describe CM as a Brute....................not in earshot anyway. I don't want 20 finely honed claws and a fine set of fangs buried in any part of my ample bod. He's managing to con BM and I into getting twice his usual daily rations by quacking pathetically.

No I ashley meant the Mac the Brute. You'd think that if I was doing the crimbo stuff pour deux he'd chip in and do extra kitchen duties................. a woman's work is never done.

PS I don't dislike the county......much. Its the filial bit............'specially when my mum doesn't know who I am. She even asked Greg (younger sprog) if he was my new boyfriend!!!!!!! Now, I like 'em young but that is ridiculous................I think..................Oh, I don't know....................what the hell............

Vile Jelly

05 December 2003 08:57

Ah, but as Mr. Macbrute would point out that the problem is caused entirely by your own selfishness. You only have to do Crimbo shopping for one (him) and that would then leave plenty of time for your domestos duties!

PS. You didn't say that CM could do impressions. Can he do any other animals apart from ducks? You could put him on talent shows (although he'd be overqualified for Poop Idle, Framed Academy, etc.)!

Helen Bristol

05 December 2003 17:31

How dare you accuse me of being selfish? Look, if I'm going to do Crimbo shopping for one its going to be for ME.

Only ducks and an entire cat (if you catch my drift and his whiff)

Oh the joys of rural life. We have some incredibly unknown person switching on the Crimbo decs tonight. That is the highlight of the week: late night shopping............. he can do his own purchasing while I socialise with the guy in the off ( glass of wine), the butcher (sloe gin), the people in the (or should that be on?) the Cheeseboard (mincepie), the Rotarians (whatever's going), then stagger home to prepare a sumptuous repast.

Vile Jelly

06 December 2003 06:45

Jack Hughes (as I believe Emil Zola famously wrote).

There you were bemoaning your hardships and I almost felt a glimmer of symphony ..... But then you go and confess that actually this 'shopping' just consists of quaffing sloth gin and scoffing mints pies. Some hardship!

No wonder BM has taken to drinking up chimneys. It sounds like a perfectly sane way to avoid the hell of Crimbo. (On a technical note, as the whole experience is such an unpleasant orgy of consumerism and alcohol/food/choirboy abuse, shouldn't it now be referred to as Anti-Christ mas?).

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