Vile Boddies! - E-Mail correspondence with Spooky St. Ives

Are bugs able to transfer across the internet? I shouldn't really be here this morning, i haven't been that bad for a long time. The unfortunate thing about it all is that i can't face alcohol!!!

PS- that's the trouble when your apprentice marries your daughter

Well, don't blame me, obviously your computer doesn't have a strong enough antivirus protection!

But don't worry, the first couple of weeks are the hardest. After that you only have a week of acute unpleasantness to put up with and then things improve and you just feel really grim.

If you want my advice, kick down the door of your quacks and demand anti-bionics now (at gunpoint if necessary). I put up with that 'it's just a nasty bug that's going round, everyone's getting it so just soldier on and drink lots of fluid' spiel. However, when I found that after a couple of weeks of soldiering on I was being so violently sick that I was puking through my nose as well I decided 'sod this for a game of soldiers' and, after several seconds of deep medical analysis, the quack decided that actually maybe I was quite ill and put me on a course of anti-bionics plus assorted pills and potions. Lo and behold, there followed three days of unpleasantness as the drugs got to work and I am now able to cough with confidence and stay awake for more than half an hour at a time. Hell, I can even eat (in moderation). Miraculous, eh?

So, don't believe what the Verve say ..... the drugs DO still work!

You'd think that this lot would have a good fire wall wouldn't you?.

God, i hope i haven't got what you had, sounds awful. I shall leave it until i wake tomorrow, and if necessary shout at the doc then as i am meant to be going to sunny Manchester to see older bruv & co for the celebrations. i shall be much miffed if i miss that.

I do believe the drugs still work, particularly if you generally leave them alone. It took a lot for me to take one tablet yesterday for the stonking headache i developed due to lack of liquid.

Just call me Typhoid Mary!

So, off to Personchester, eh? You've got even less chance of a white christmas than we have down here near the equator. Don't forget to do the Curry Mile in Rusholme (I mean, in your condition what have you got to lose?).

ok Mary.

Judging by the weekend's weather the chances are pretty good, although i don't think anything apart from the cake icing will be white. I might try that, although the sis-in-law might be a bit miffed considering the amount of food she's bought! It would clear the system out though. I seem to have more of a bad head at the moment. Could be due to the lemonade i'm sipping a la father's recommendation from when i was six. Why does it work?

The nurofen should start working soon...

Please, no need to be so formal. Call me Typhoid!

I definitely recommend the curries and, the perfect accompaniment in your condition, Boddingtons. As we used to say:-

When the bottom drops out of your world
Drink Boddingtons and watch the world drop out of your bottom!

"eh, you smell right grand tonight pet." Big bro likes that stuff so there's a high chance of drinking some!

Feeling much better today. Must have been the food i ate. i think the hunger pangs were making my stomach hurt!! still a bit ichy, but since i made the appointment for the docs i've got better, just have to stay off the pop for one more day and then i think i'll be safe. Perhaps i haven't got what you had after all.

So, did you 'test the nation' last night? Are you clever? i didn't do it, i was doing Guidey stuff, damned good excuse..

Don't sound like it. On the udder hand, in the initial phases of the plague I did seem to have periods of 'feeling much better', generally followed by periods of not being able to feel anything at all. Still, good luck. Remember, no germ can survive an Abdul's Kebab!

Didn't to the Test The Notion (who won?) last night. I slept mostly, occasionally waking up for brief periods of torpor and lethargy. I may be on the mend but this virus still seems to have extracted every molecule of energy from me in the process.

PS. Did you and the Gal Guides light the fourth candle on your Blue Peter advent crown or did you have a more traditional celebration (i.e. went to B&Q, the pub and the dogs!)?

You've got me worried now. I shan't cancel the doc until later. Perhaps a hot curry tonight......

I don't know, wasn't me. Sleep sounds like a good plan. v tired all the time. didn't actually want to get up this morning (not that there's anything strange about that) but was forced to as husband nicked the duvet. There he was rolled up like a sausage whilst i had to brave the elements. not fair, not on a morning.

PS more of the traditional celebrations as there were no Guides involved - best time.

Aha, the classic recipe for entertaining children ..... Don't invite any
children and just party on without them!

PS. What you should do is invest in one of those micro-blowtorches chefs use. Then, next time hubby pinches the duvet you can light it up and shrink-wrap him in it!

oh yes! and if you get a bouncy castle as well, all the better!!!

No, i couldn't possibly do that to my duvet. we have a deep meaningful relationship, especially on saturdays when i don't have to get up. Funny thought though! If i had one of those micro-blowtorches i'd probably have three cats running around with burning tails.....also a funny thought!

Yes, but, as you've admitted, your duvet is having a relationship with another man. Surely such infidelity deserves some sort of retribution. Hell hath no fury like a woman un-duveted, etc!

PS. The micro-blowtorches are also good for dealing with people who insist on buggering up everyone else's post-prandial slump by having a fag/cigar/pipe/joint after the meal. 'Do you mind if I smoke?' they say, knowing damn well you do but hoping you'll be too polite to start an argument over it. 'No,' you reply, 'Here, let me light it for you .....

Fantastic. The other excellent anti smoking defense is to fart loudly near said smokers, who when they start to complain can be shouted down with their own arguments. Seen it done. The couple next to us asked to be moved. Job done (not literally you understand).

Talking of which, the RT have just hollered up the stairs. They have currently succumbed to a crate of Mr. Chimbley's finest brews which BM and H sent them. (Actually, we couldn't find the label but the RT swear blind that it was addressed to them). Anyway, it's good stuff and they are a tad relaxed at the minute but it sounded like:-

I have to say i was very impressed, if not a tad disturbed, with your imaginative skills. Thank goodness you have nothing to do or we would have all missed out on such a ripping yarn. I was very pleased to be a major part, never thought of myself as a vicar.

Glad the RT are enjoying themselves. I was surprised to see how large the entire team is. How do you tell the difference between all those Piglets.

Well, I thought, given the laws of probability, at some point someone had to read the damn thing so I just kept asking at random intervals!

Vicar was the closest we could come as ACD doesn't seem to include Ghoul Guides in his stories (had they been invented then?). So, the RT made you the vicar instead of the Great Brown Owl or whatever your GG title is.

PS. We leave it to the Piglets to sort things amongst themselves. Hell, the Shauns can't even tell each other apart so they've got no chance!

GGs were invented in 1930 ish. Brownies do various bird things. Guides can do strange names but i chose not to have one, so they call me Gill. It may seem boring but less embarrassing if you see one out and about.

Cheers, ears. Not much improvement so far but it's early doors yet. At least, touch wool (the Shauns were passing), I seem to be finally emerging from the abyss of this virus-thingy. There is an expression "I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy" to which I would reply, quoting Confucius, that that sentiment is 'a highway strewn with ancient venomous ophidians'*. I have many enemies, starting, in no particular order of importance, with god. I would cheerfully do unto him what he has done unto me in the last month ..... and then I'd kick him in the goolies to emphasise my point!

Talking of the Shauns, the RT say that they are very disappointed with your lack of titular curiosity as Obergruppenfuhrer of your Gal Guides. Being very much into anthropomorphic political incorrectness they request that you furnish a suitable resume of your qualities (wise as a fish, drinks like an owl, etc.) and they will work on providing you with a suitable call-sign.

Do you believe then? Cos judging by earlier missives you think it's all baloney, or do you just want someone to blame? ;-)

Of course, I believe in god. It would freak me out if all this unpleasantness was just a random occurrence. However, one should never make the mistake of assuming that belief in the existence of god equates to belief that god is a nice person. Personally, I can't credit all this 'god is good' rubbish that modern religions come out with. The evidence is overwhelmingly to the contrary. I subscribe to the traditional Greco-Roman, Teutonic-Scandinavian theories that god(s) are contrary, arbitrary super-beings who can be just as nasty as thee and me.

PS. RT working on your title as we speak ..... oh, hang on ..... Ah, it seems they've gone to the pub (presumably in search of inspiration)! Minority Report to follow in due course.

All clear now, I think i'm with you. I don't hold with the God fearing thing either. He/she isn't going to get you because you don't go to church, it just depends who is in view when (s)he's feeling particularly nasty. I also subscribe to Pratchett's view of the God(s). Lots of them all having a good time and being nasty to us when they feel like it. And disappearing if no-one believes in them!

Now, if we could just get the gods and the politicians to wipe each other out in a mutually destructive Ragnarok this planet might actually become pleasant to live on. Failing that I'm off to join Beagle 2 in its hideaway on Mars!

PS. RT still working on The Project. So, far all they have come up with is' Frank'. So, I'm not sure they did THAT much brainstorming down the pub. Either that or they foolishly put the Shauns in charge of writing up the meeting notes!

Ps Frankly, i'm not sure if i like that. not much of a title is it? Not one to be yelled out across the road! I think they might have stormed thier brains too much.

As long as you bring your own packed lunch. Apparently the facilities on Mars are nearly as basic as they are in West Penwith!

PS. Don't think they've quite finalised their decision yet but, on the grounds that it may take them a while to come back from the pub, maybe we should solicit invitations from the Spooky St. Ives readership (if she's in!).

OK. Could you bring some extra pasties, they don't make them properly up here. It's a shame Mars is so far away. If you could go there every day it would help you work, rest and play!!

Sick of the sight of the bloody things. I shall be raiding a Chinese wholesalers for my supplies before take off. Do you know if the atmosphere is combustible? I prefer to cook with gas but .....

PS. Just waiting for Helling to pronounce on the subject as to whether SSI should be buried at sea. (She has decided to take over managing my life as I am doing it so badly and she has got much better ideas than me).

Not sure. I expect you can find out from some web site. Not a problem though, being a guide i'm a dab hand at lighting fires. As long as there is some sort of fuel... not sure if there are any trees on Mars. you can be sure that Beagle has found them if there are!!

PS I hope she wouldn't do that. I propose it's an important part of the make up of your life. Someone needs to take you in hand (!) as you say, you're bumbling along with a white stick at present

Actually, white stick broke on Wednesday and guide dog got run over yesterday. Now pinning all my hopes on sage advice from my lifestyle guru.

Feel free to chip in if you want to. Perhaps we could have a JellyAid page on the website where the readership can promulgate their great ideas and then the Reporting Team can keep a diary of my progress.

PS. Fuel not a problem, was more interested in whether there would be sufficient atmosphere for combustion to occur. If there is you can bring along some marshmallows on sticks (mine ALWAYS used to fall off!) and then treat us to a few campfire songs to lull the RT to sleep.