Oh dear, ALL your hopes?

 

JellyAid. Sounds great, what shall we send you? Packets of food, well making kits, grain to grow your own crops?

Not knowing the current economy down there, i'm not sure i know what to suggest. Up here there are so many hungry office workers you'd never go poor.

 

PS Don't know that either. Ah well, you'd leave them in too long see. The whole point is that you warm them enough so they are all squishy and just about the melt, but don't catch fire and certainly don't fall off into the fire. Yum. You can get quite sick eating them when you get the hang though, very sweet. I know some nice quiet songs....i also know some noisy ones, so when they're fit they can join in.

Yes, both of them, I'm afraid. Leastways, until Operation Beagle is successfully launched.

 

I presumed JellyAid would follow the traditional route of the affluent countries sending me stuff they are trying to get rid of rather than stuff that is actually needed. On the other hand, if I get sent enough kit I might be able to do a Mugabe and make a fortune flogging it on to the unsuspecting!

 

Sounds like you've got your marshmallow technique finely-honed (as we would expect from the Ray(chel) Mears of the GG world). Just one thing, should I take them out of the packet first?

It was successfully launched. It was the landing they had problems with.

 

Ok, so what would you like the powers to send you. Iraq could send you those weapons they've supposedly been playing ring on a string with, New Zealand could send you some sheep and Blair could send you Gordon Brown. America would pay you loads, the Shauns would be happy and you could make a deal with Blair that you would then ignore.

 

yes.

But it did land successfully. After all, it did make a successful break for freedom from the mad scientists!

 

Please, two sheep are more than enough to try to cope with. Don't want Brown either. I know he's got all the money in the country now but he's only interested in spending all our taxes on projects to make life better for his sprog. The Americans might be usable, though. What I need to do is convince them I am a right-wing military dictatorship dedicated to resisting communism, religious fundamentalism and EU trade tariffs. All I need is some sort of paramilitary organisation to make it look like I've got a small army backing me up ..... I don't suppose you could temporarily lend me your battalion of Gal Guides? How about 10% of the CIA cash plus all the rocket-launchers you can carry?

But how do you know? It hasn't told us!

 

Damn kids.

 

You could have all 20 of them to make a good crowd, but we'd have to come up with a good excuse to get them all there, they tend not to turn up if they don't like the sound of something. Sounds like a good deal.

No, the Reporting Team advises me that Beagle 2 just hasn't bothered (understandably) to contact the humans. Hell, if you managed to get off this lunatic asylum of a planet would you invite the inmates to follow you?

 

I'll leave it to you to work out what gets their juices going. Either they can invade small countries or, if that's not their bag, we could entice them with the possibility that if they keep at it we'll be able to persuade Dubya to send over some Hollywood hunks to boost the troops morale!

Probably not. Apart from a few select people, i'd get lonely otherwise.

 

Nasty thought. The small countries would be the best bet, they'd get bored with anything that took too long. Not old enough for Hollywood hunks, boy bands and chocolate for the little ones. He can send the Hollywood hunks over for the Guiders (can we choose which ones?)

Have to be small countries, then. No way am I taking boy bands with us. They are one of the reasons I am so desperate to get off this planet.

 

On the plus side, I'd have thought you could just send Dubya a shopping list of your Hollywood hunks. He'd be glad of the opportunity to avoid straining his braincell on making a choice.

Hey, who said anything about them coming with us? They can invade the countries and then occupy them with their boy bands. You don't want boy bands, i don't want the Guides! (having read the previous emails they definitely aren't coming with us, this was to do with JellyAid)

 

Good idea. We wouldn't want any shoddy goods.

 

PS getting a bit crowded up here now (mind you i think i've lost the plot, can't remember why we're on this subject) i think we should go back the original idea, whatever that was. got it now forget this PS.

Oh, that's alright then.

 

So, we can just follow the sage advice of Ripley & Hicks in Aliens ..... take off and nuke the planet from a low orbit!

 

As luck would have it, I have recently received an electric mail from Helling who, apparently, has weaponry regularly dropped on her by the Americans. I have already asked her to forward surplus ordnance to me.

 

Set the controls for the heart of the sun!

we don't have to blow ourselves up do we? cos that would just be a mess.

 

ok cap'n. should be a bit warmer there. my typing finger is beginning to freeze, we have fabulous heating in this office....

 

Have just arranged with him indoors that we are coming down your way mid July. Hurrah!

No, no. I mean nuke Earth as we depart just to make sure that the boy bands and other undesirables (i.e. humans) don't follow us.

 

Assuming Operation Beagle hasn't been launched by summer are you bringing him indoors with you or leaving him indoors indoors? Also, you'd best make sure you don't come too late in July for fear of experiencing youknowwhat!

ah, good, i'll start collecting the cuddlies and furries.

 

bringing him indoors hence the 'we', be a bit lonely otherwise.  Intend to come down 9th or 16th. We don't like experiencing youknowwhat so we always take our hols in term time. Do you think you'll be gainfully employed by then?

Talking of which, are you intending to bring old whatshisface with you on Operation Beagle and, if so, which group should be allocated to: cuddly or furry?

 

I'd better be gainfully employed by then or I will either be departed or the dearly departed!