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L T Lobster 21 February 2004 11:51 Mr. S. The-Sheep c/o Mr. Jelly
Dear Mr. The-Sheep, [It's just Sheep, actually, 'The'
is my middle name.]
I have waited until today to contact you as I thought that it might take a
long time for post to get from Cornwallshire to East Angliar. I know you
lot down there think that the Tamar separates you from mere mortal creatures.
I've waited, hopefully, ALL week but nothing has arrived. I feel so
disappointed. I thought you really cared about me. You are obviously not
the reckless, romantic fool that I took you for. My good friend and
mentor, Helling, has warned me about sheep like you - but, no, I had to find
out for myself. I think for the time being I shall just find a good book
( St. Delia on lamb cookery should do it) and try to forget you. Helling
has asked me to help her in the garden (to keep my mind off things) so I'm
going to prune the red currant bushes for her.
I don't think I will be coming to St. Ives again, unless, of course, Mr. Jelly
is free!
MISS Lucy Lobster
S T Sheep 22 February 2004 10:11
Typical bloody woman! It's just 'me, me me' all the time isn't it?
It's alright for you idle crustaceans with nothing better to do than swill
Helling's vats of wine while reading stroppy feminist polemics. Some of us
have to work for a living you know ..... Admittedly not me. I let Jelly do
that but the point is valid. I think.
Ennyway, if Saint Delius is so smart how come she lives in Norwich, eh? And
have you checked out the shellfish section in Jelly's WTF Does Smith Know
Practical Cookery Book yet? There, that came as a nasty surprise didn't it?
Not so funny when the thermidor is on the other hoof, is it?
phphphflbblbblbbl (or however you spell a raspberry sound).
STVK Sheep
L T Lobster 22 February 2004 11:36
No, it isn't valid. Typical bloke, states a "fact" with a
metaphorical smug nod that means 'so you see, I'm always right'.
Its not St Delila who's smart, its the rest of the UK for not giving her
immigration rights.
Helling says can she have a signed first edition of your book, please, so she
can cheeck out the jelly and other sweets and savouries section. She
said something about preserving in aspic.
nernernenerner.
Lu-Lo
S T Sheep 22 February 2004 15:22
But I am always right. May my face turn black and my wool white if it isn't
true!
Bleating personally, we would gladly welcome St. Devious into the flock if she
would just carve the giblets of that irritating twonk, Oliver, on the way.
'Cheeck out'? Clearly not the spellunk czecher!
PS. Helling has met VJ in the false world so how can she possibly want to pick
his ass? Has she gone blind as well as feminist?
PPS. 'nernernenerner'? What sound does that make, we are intrigued?
PPS. Mn-uh, mn-uh, do-do-do-do-do. (Or how ever you spell the legendary
Muppets chart hit the Mn-uh Mn-uh Song).
Shaun-Hi
L T Lobster 24 February 2004 17:45
Stop picking it - it'll never get better.
PS Helling says: 1) there is nothing wrong with her eyesight - its just
that she can';t always find her glasses
2) you got a problem with feminism??? Lucy will nip round to sort
you out (I don't understand that bit but I'm sure she's right - she
always is.
3)
surely even St. de Lallio wouldn't blunt her knives on the Jammy Dodger.
S T Sheep 25 February 2004 09:37
Of course I've got a problem with feminism. I am a bloke-sheep and, while
maybe not the brightest fleece in the flock, I am still not dumb enough to
support something pledged to my destruction. Next you'll be expecting me to
invest in shares in a mint sauce factory!
Obviously St. Dealer isn't a proper chef, then. The only reason people get
interested in the culinary black arts is so that they can play with sharp
objects (usually practicing on other people).
PS. You'll have to stop referring to yourself in the third person. That's a
sign of being completely deranged. The only other person I know who does it is
the Queen so that rather proves my point! You don't want to be thought of as a
MAD stroppy feminist, do you?
Helen Bristol 25 February 2004 18:12 Feminism
So what's your definition? I'm not in favour of getting rid of all the
blokes - after all who'd do my vaccing? All I'm asking is to be treated
as the intelligent human bean that I am ....................OK , there
are differing schools of thought on that one. I rarely throw my, not
inconsiderable, weight about, nor chuck Bruin out of the pram in a strop.
Shaun's attitude reeks of insecurity. Really VJ you should be helping
him through this obviously difficult period of his life - you don't want him
to end up like you - do you?
PS Isn't it wonderful, I now leave for work and get home in day light.
Vile Jelly 25 February 2004 18:47
That is preciselymentally where you are wrong. You are rightfully demanding
your right to exist and be treated as an individual (which is actually
humanism ..... or RTism in our various cases) while not being committed to the
annihilation of all other species (which is the basis of feminism/manism/nazism/communism/blairism
and all other 'isms' which are based on treating other people really shittily
because they haven't got the right label).
Of course, Shaun is insecure. If you got e-mails threatening to kill and cook
you, wouldn't you feel a tad unsafe? Naturally, I wouldn't wish my fate upon
any sentient creature (so the St. Ives Police are welcome to it). However, I
do feel it only fair to point out that I am widely regarded by 99% of the
world's population as someone they have never heard of. Sad but true. On the
other hand 99% of the world's population probably have heard of Adolf Hitler.
True but sad.
So, I regard my pathetic, meaningless existence as a nil-nil win.
Helen Bristol 26 February 2004 17:45
You've lost me there. As far as I can make out 'isms' are a lazy, inaccurate
shorthand for all sorts of things.
Given the choice, I know who I would rather have heard of... However, I am
amazed that as many as 1% have heard of you. Life is what you make it -
oops, there I go again, sorry
PS I won't tell you about the snow 'cos i don't want to share it with someone
who doesn't appreciate it, BUT it did snow on Bodmin Moor today. I
know its true 'cos it was on the BBC.
Vile Jelly 27 February 2004 09:41
Oh, what are prisms and schisms lazily short for then?
Honestly, your logical reasoning processes are getting as bad as Winwaloe's.
Are you sure you're not related? After all he does claim to have stalked the
wolds (probably got a mermaid in every pub). I said that 99% of world's
population hadn't heard of me. That does not prove that 1% had heard of me. In
deed, as you yourself are a prime example, anyone who does actually know me
denies it! The more likely inference given the usual pattern of such things
would be that 99% had never heard of me and the other 1% spoiled their ballot
papers (and vice versa in Florida, natch).
PS. Mayhap ..... mayhap not. Did you not perchance notice that the Beeb local
weather reporter was a certain Mr. A. Gilligan? Would you really trust
anything he says? Has Alistair Campbell confirmed the veracity of this
'weather report'? Is or is not this snow merely a figment of Claire Short's
overactive imagination? I saw a piccy of King Tony in the paper earlier this
week and he was basking in the sun and swimming in open air pools so it can't
possibly be snowing in this country.
Anyway, thanks for your independent confirmation of this wild story. Hopefully
in this week's bulletin we'll finally be able to put Snow-gate (and Winwaloe)
to rest.
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