All By My Shelf! - E-Mail correspondence with Spooky St. Ives

Not everyone, your good readership doesn't. Very well spoken the lot of us, we only descend into foul language when talking with you about the great unwashed who fill up SI in August.

Thank BM for the picture, i'm getting quite a collection now. Now if could only get up the courage to buy one of my own....

Miserable weekend. One of my warm cuddlies died from kidney failure; he was only a baby so much wailing was to be had. The others are currently still looking for him.

True. But as official Spookyists you qualify for honorary non-emmet status and so don't count. Mind you, if it keeps raining these heavy showers like it did yesterday then the great unwashed are going to be leaving Cornwall a lot cleaner than when they arrived!

Bleurk. That's why I never get involved with anything that breathes. I nearly faint every time one of the RT needs a stitch. Can't be dealing with anything as frangible as flesh and blood.

Ah good. And of course they may say 'see, that's why we shouldn't stay in England for our hollies, next year we're going to Ibiza where it will be hot and sunny' and then it will be much quieter. Perhaps you should put up one of those gates like they have in theme parks for height, only in St Ives case it would be one for width; if you're over a certain weight and girth, you're not allowed in.

No i'll just go into a shop and roll around laughing when i'm told how much they are.

Exactly. Trouble is, has the RT ever shown you signs of affection without you picking them up first? See, it's not the same as a purr first thing in the morning.

I should be so lucky. Although, it does seem a bit quieter than last year although that may just be an optical delusion caused by people staying off the beaches while the weather is so changeable. I don't even attempt to go into the burg itself. I think an IQ gate would be more useful.

Essential tools of the trade in my case (Mack cost just under £100). Toys for boys in other cases. Still, if you are going to stab someone I think it only fair to do it with a quality knife to show some respect!

Acshually, they show me spontaneous affection by NOT getting in or on my bed in the morning (or any other time). The wrinklies' cats used to make the mistake of settling down on my (occupied) bed in the small hours of the night. Cue morning, I gruntle into barely awakedness, roll over to get comfy and before I realise they are there ...... cat(s) go for an unexpected flight across the room. Silly sods.

Could be and of course if you're not going into the town, you wouldn't see the heaving mass that is Fore st. But would the locals pass through?

I once woke up with a cat between my shoulder blades (i was on my front), i couldn't move! Finally shifted him cos i was being noisy about being stuck. They have taken unexpected flights too.

The locals wouldn't even bother making the attempt. They are holed up in the Tora Bora caves at the top of town.

See? Fat foolish furry fleabags. You wouldn't catch the RT making such silly mistakes.

don't know what happened there, the ether said my message was undeliverable.

So theoretically they would fit through, but in actual fact they are too clever. (well, some of them anyway) but if it were blunt then you'd have to use a sawing action which would hurt if it were your guts being sawn. of course you'll now say that part of using it properly is keeping nice and sharp and rightly so, but that wasn't my point in the first place, which i have now forgotten. my cats don't have fleas. what if one of them fell off the shelf?

It must have been because I didn't get it. Unless this is it ... in which case it wasn't.

That's the general idea; the wise don't use the gate and the foolish can't.

It's nowt to do with the sharpness or otherwise of the knife but how you use it on people. It's amazing how many non-essential bits of the human body there are you can experiment with!

All cats are fleabags, regardless of whether or not they actually have them. Your cats may fall off shelves but the RT don't. On the rare occasions they are not down the pub they roost on my capacious window ledges. The only time they are in any peril is when I try to operate the roller blinds. When they used to dwell in Island Road they successfully fought off the wrinklies' cats for possession of the window ledges. The RT were tuff, whereas the cats ..... were just a bunch of pussies!

this is it, well that was, so you did get it, eventually.

which bits of the body are non-essential then. Toes are useful, they stop you falling over, fingers are useful for all sorts of things, ears have a use. i can think of one thing, but the mail man might stop it going through.

mumph. I bet they do. After all that beer they'd have to cling on for dear life and if the window was open they might get blown off (be careful they're not stolen by seagulls). Obviously...

So, the electric demons were fibbing again, eh? Perhaps you should have your computers exorcised.

Most bits are non-essential in the sense that having them lopped off won't kill you immediately. Come to think of it, all bits of every other human body are non-essential as far as my personal survival is concerned. I wonder if anyone has calculated what percentage of the human body can be lopped off without inducing a fatality? I wonder if I could get a grant to research the problem? No shortage of potential test subjects down here at the mo!

The long walk up the hill usually sobers them up enough to be able to clamber safely onto the window ledges. If it doesn't they just crash out on the sofa with a few tinnies. Virtually no seagulls up on the heights, they're all busy down on the wharf and beaches pecking the eyeballs out of small children. That's why most locals live on the heights but don't tell the ems and spoil their St. Ives experience.