Halt! Hoof Goes There! - E-Mail correspondence with Spooky St. Ives

Helen Bristol

15 October 2004 18:32

Re: Hello again

When it comes to fishing you have to know your prey, where to find him, what will tempt him, what time of day, weather conditions,etc,etc - not that I would presume to preach.........

So, my prey? If I told you that the secret would be out and he'd go into hiding or play hard to catch.

The bait? Whatever's necessary. If you've got it flaunt it, I say.

Black day at bad rock today. Think I'll go and pour myself a bucket of vino and anaesthatise my brain.

Vile Jelly

17 October 2004 15:13

Why not? It has got to be more entertaining than Songs of Praise ...

So, you admit that he/she/it is a he. This could be a valuable clue. Who do we know who fits that description? Hm, this is probably one for the fiendish cunning of the Shauns to solve.

Well, if the wine didn't help, there are always plenty of cheffing jobs going or I could lend you my Kalashnikov when ebay finally delivers it!

Helen Bristol

17 October 2004 15:38

I used "he" in a generic sense - like saying "mankind" - well that's my story and even being trampled by fiendish hoofs won't make me change it. On the other claw, Lucy could come to my rescue, but she might be a teensy bit reluctant to attack a Shaun in case she nipped him in the wrong plaice.

PS I told you so - W just couldn't resist a peak and another jibe.

Vile Jelly

17 October 2004 15:58

Ah, so it was one of those generically-modified words that keeps upsetting all those protesters. Actually, the Shauns hoofs are quite soft and velvety so I suspect that being trampled by them might actually be a quite pleasurable experience (espesh after a hard day at wurk, a small vatlet of wine and a hot barf)!

PS. Like Quasimodo I had a nasty hunch that he would come back to haunt us but you had to say it and you know that saying bad things always makes them happen.

PPS. How much of a dent in the EU wine lake have you managed to make so far?

Helen Bristol

17 October 2004 17:57

Hmmmmm, sounds sooooooo relaxing - when will they get here? Do I have to wait until I've had a hard day at wurk? Can't I just be pampered - because I'm worth it?

Very little. I'm being abstemious and adventurous, so the EU wine lake is safe for the mo. Though I'm not keen on the S African or Antipodean wines - a bit anodyne and girly, prob'ly allright for footballers' wives, South American are OK.

Vile Jelly

18 October 2004 09:35

Gawd nose, I have enough difficulty getting them out of the pub let alone persuading them to get into a coracle and paddle around to the East Angularian bayous. Couldn't Lucy do it for you? Also, I think that theory only works with l'oreal chemicals and you have to be your basic, ordinary supermodel next door to start with.

Anodyne? I thought that was those little white pills you took the morning after a night on the vin. Call that adventurous? Why not try some of the finest wines of Papua New Guinea? According to Trevor the local witch doctors make an interesting little tipple!

Helen Bristol

18 October 2004 18:07

I don't think hard scratchy clwas would quite the same as soft velvety hoofs.

Perhaps I could blow all my dosh on a trip to PNG

Vile Jelly

18 October 2004 22:32

But I thort Loosey woz kuddlie ..... or, at least, I think that was Shaun said when he staggered back from their tryst while we were down the Slurp. I didn't enquire further, although as a concerned step-parent I was .... er, concerned. Still, all seems to have worked itself out. Obviously you will have to re-visit and have a feel of the hoofs.

Not sure there's much of PNG left. Trevor seems to have most of it in his lounge!

PS. While I'm still vaguely alert, do you want me to edit the wurk-related bits out of your e-mus?

Helen Bristol

19 October 2004 18:24

She woz until after the tryst. At least I think that was when she developed a hard shell that no one seems to be able to get through. You don't think............no,.........but you did say Shaun was staggering. Had he been to the Slurp before meeting her? I do hope he was gentle with her. She just won't talk about it. Sits on the chaise longue all day looking wistfully into the distance in a vaguely south-easterly direction. I'll have a quick feel on my next visit.

PS It was a good vintage and still improving

Vile Jelly

20 October 2004 14:58

Funnily enough, that's what Shaun said too!

PS. How can it still be improving if you've drunk it all?

PPS. Gill had a black day at bad rock too. It must be contagious!

Helen Bristol

20 October 2004 18:29

I was referring to your comment on Monday about peeps of my vintage - the peps not the wine improving ..........oh, forget it. Never mind you'll soon have to leave irresponsible youthdom behind and join the ranks of irresponsible early middle age.

Tis the time of year.

Vile Jelly

21 October 2004 15:12

I fully intend to expire or turn back into a pumpkin at midnight on Oct 30th!

That's what Gill reckoned too. I like winter, meself. Espesh in St. Ives as the cold weather kills off the worst of the ems.

Helen Bristol

21 October 2004 18:31

It's realy spooky that for your BIG 40 you get to have an extra hour in the day.

The only things I like about winter are being nice and warm indoors and looking at a snowy landscape, and curling up with a good book in front of the log fire. And that's it. It has nothing else to recommend it.

Vile Jelly

21 October 2004 21:36

I do? Excrement. If so, that's the first time I can recall it happening on my burpday. It usually only occurs on my sister's burpday which is exactly a week before.

What more could you want? That's what I dream of. Snowy St. Ives, fine wine, fine food, a selection of fine chizzes, vintage port, emmets roasting on the fire ...

Helen Bristol

22 October 2004 18:17

Only one week? Is this some sort of medical record?

Could be worse I suppose. But surely tiz already a reality.

I'm about to be demoted from my temp post which feels kind of odd. I'm sure I'll get used to passing the buck again.

Vile Jelly

23 October 2004 11:06

Don't know, I was elsewhere at the time of her birth. 'Course there's always the possibility that a couple of years intervened as well. Personally I think there's something quite sinister that, calendar-wise, my siblings and I were born only 24 days apart. Makes me wonder what the parents were having for breakfast in Feb/March!

Apart from the ems, I'm afraid. Can't get the damn fire started. No trees in St. Ives and no coal in Cornwall, so no fuel.

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