Doom Not Forsake Me O My Darling!


Andrew Macdonald

05 December 2002 09:20

Doom Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Jolly decent of the Sloop to bring back Doom Bar at £1.00 a pint for our return to St Ives.  I noticed the posters said "While stocks last", so I can only assume that as it was still £1.00 a pint when we left, either, despite the Shauns' best efforts, people and sheep were not drinking enough or  Smeaton's Beer holds more than we thought.  Had I known it was going to be £1.00 a pint, I wouldn't have hove into Sharp's Brewery on the way down to get some to bring back home, I'd just have brought a B&Q water butt into the Sloop and saved myself 40p a pint.
 
Talking of Sharp's, did you know that the brewery is located between Pityme and Splatt?  Seems an appropriate place, somehow, between the maudlin and the heaving.  (Sorry, I think that should be "magdalen and heaving".)
 
Having spent two days feeding money into collection boxes for Penwith District Council's Members' Christmas Fund, which strangely all seem to be located in car parks, there was little left for frivolity and such, so I was greatly looking forward to a massive win in the Meat Draw.  Silly of me, really.  Still, the cheesy puffs were, well, cheesy.
 
AND NOW......
 
The first Spooky St Ives competition, with prizes generously donated by Vilejelly Publications.
 
If the Sloop has been around since about 1312, and sloops weren't invented until about 350 years later, what was it called before it became the Sloop?
 
Answers on a postcard to the usual email address.  Closing date some time.
 
The first correct answer drawn out of the bandanna will win a prize.  Of some sort.
 
Terms and conditions apply.  Caution - may contain nuts.
 
 
AN IMPORTANT PUBLIC INFORMATION ANNOUNCEMENT
 
News has emerged that having been grafting in the Sloop kitchens for many months now, Jelly has recently started attending chef school. Anyone who ate at the Sloop before he started training may like to contact their GP for a check-up and if necessary to arrange for counselling.
 
AND FINALLY..
 
Following in the hallowed footsteps of Herbert Batliner, I noticed recently that the now departed Financial Director of Equitable Life was a certain Charles Bellringer.  I wonder if his sudden departure had anything at all to do with the activities of his ex-colleague Timothy Whistleblower?
 
And did you know that a Hyrax is a small furry animal that lives on rocks in Africa? 
 
PS  Could you ask the Team to ask Helen what's for supper tonight and let me know?  Ta.

Reporting Team

05 December 2002 09:43

Helling,
 
Androo wants to know what's for tee. We suggest sprouts, lot's of them. The more Androo disposes off the less there will be to threaten us.
 
The Reporting Team
 
PS. Is it raining there by any chance?

Vile Jelly

05 December 2002 10:06

Are you feeling all right? I think you may have been overdoing it on your quest to empty that barrel of Doom Bar in one go!
 
Reporting Team are communing with Helen on the subject of tea. I would have thought in your beered-up condition a stone cold, indigestible take away of no particular ethnic culinary origin would be the traditional accompaniment.
 
Hang on, how come I am supposed to be providing the prize for the Sloop competition. It's your idea! In that case, I shall have to answer the question meself. Prior to it's present nomenclature the pub was (obviously) called:-
 
The "It Looks Good On Paper But It's A Radical Design, Way Ahead Of Its Time. I think We had Best Wait A Few Centuries Before We Attempt To Build One. Thanks But I Think We'll Stick To Hollowed Out Logs For The Time Being" Inn.
 
Now, what have I won? Gosh, it's a lifetime's supply of hedgehogs, sheep, dragons, snakes, lobsters, furry creatures, etc.
 
Lucky me!
 
PS. Shh. You're not supposed to tell people I am studying at Hogwarts to get my chef's hat. I want it to come as a nasty surprise for all those emmets who are going to hassle me next Summer not realising by then I will (hopefully!) have my licence to kill ( and finally figured out which end of the knives to use!).
 
PPS. If the hyrax lives on rocks I can only deduce that it has very sharp teeth, chronic indigestion problems and acute haemorrhoids!

Andrew Macdonald

05 December 2002 17:10

Nope.  You can't win.  It says so in the terms and conditions.
 
Anyway, it's the wrong answer.
 
They said Doom Bar doesn't keep, and they're right, it doesn't.  Better just go and squeeze out the last pint.  By the way, thanks for the concern.  I had the takeaway Tuesday, and pretty damn fine it was too.  It seems the Son of the Gateway to the Back Passage to India is under new management (and chefment), and not before time.

Vile Jelly

05 December 2002 17:42

You forget that I work under a harsh, brutal, uncaring regime (hence the hoof scars!). I never expected to win, I just thought that for one brief moment I could shine during my pathetic and unnecessarily long existence.
 
Apparently not.
 
Oh well, I've always said that if god wanted you to enjoy life he wouldn't make you die.
 
At least I know I can always fall back on those who love me .....
 
.... oh, bugger.
 
PS. Did you get any tea?

Helen Bristol

05 December 2002 18:16

    good idea, only it will be a different brassicas, that cavalaro nero or whatever its called and some frilly green stuff.  Better let him know soon as I'm about to start chefing!!  Sprouts are pacifist and therefore non threatening.  

Androo onli had to text me to ask.Unusually I had the mobile switched on.

I been lerning today.  How to rite in short, sharp, compelling sentences and not use big werds as the high ups can't understand them. Why am I not surprised? I'm all set now to put my case for lots of munny.  

It's been proverbially hissing (sorry Orm) in the middle of Norfolk but Androo says it onli drizzled in the South.

Helling

Vile Jelly

06 December 2002 16:30

Do not be fooled by the meek and mild deportment of sprouts. Underneath they are the prime agents of evil on this planet. Haven't you notice how they always turn up at dinner to ruin childrens' enjoyment of Christmas Day?
 
Got to go and get the Reporting Team's articles for this week and translate them into human. Might be a bit of a thin week this time. Feeling like Keith Richards looks for some reason. More EXpired than INspired. Might even skip the Meat Draw if I don't rally between now and 7ish.

Next    Back    Home    Site Map

 
I (thatís me) own the copyright in all the content of this site (except where otherwise acknowledged). You can read it, download it, transmit it and reproduce it only for your own personal use. You are not allowed to bugger about with it. If your computer explodes as a result of accessing this site and its contents, itís nothing to do with me, mate! Copyright Vile Jelly Publications 2001-2009. All rights (and some wrongs) reserved.