A Hello To Arms!


10 July 2002 20:17

Winged Rats.

We've just returned from spending two weeks in St Ives, of those two weeks one was spent in dodging the showers and the other spent in thwarting the flying vermin from knocking any food out of our hands. All around we saw people robbed of ice creams, fish and chips sandwiches etc. Still it was good to see the magnificent attempts by the local council to help protect the people by putting up minute signs regarding feeding these loathsome birds. Unfortunately no -one has informed the birds, or else they have chosen to ignore the signs (perhaps their eyesight isn't up to the task). [Actually, they ate the signs!]

If an intense cull is the chosen answer by the council I will personally volunteer to assist in the joyous task of strangling them. I have in my plans for revenge dreamt of numerous ways of destroying the bloody things. Exploding chips, small flamethrowers disguised as ice cream cones. I am currently in the middle of drawing up a blueprint for the ultimate gull annihilater [annihilator, actually. And we've got the patent!], I just need to make it a little bit crueler.

Still apart from the rain ,the incessant wind and the ever hovering hateful seagulls it went pretty well and we intend to return again next year, sooner if we win the lottery or the St Ives council look for enthusiastic shotgun toting avengers. [More chance of the former, we are afraid].

Robert Broderick

My wife suggested whilst we were down there that I wore a "where are you vile jelly" T shirt. I told her I was getting more than enough grief as it was.

Reporting Team

12 July 2002 18:27

Tsk, tsk (as elephants say). If god wanted us to blow seagulls away he would have given us the capacity to invent shotguns and the will to use them ... hang on just a minute!
On the other hand/paw/hoof we can't help but feel some sympathy for any creature that has got the gumption to prey on humans and beat them at their own game!
PS. The t-shirt is an intriguing concept but surely the logo should read 'Why are you Vile Jelly?'.

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