30 November 2001

Are The Fish Biting?

Further signs and portents. A barracuda has been caught off The Lizard (that's a bit of land, not the reptile version). This is the first time that one has been caught in British waters and could indicate either global-warming or a glitch in the barracuda's GPS tracker.

Prophets of doom and gloom have pointed to verses in Nostradamus that seem to indicate that the start of the opening of the preliminary round of the play-off eliminators for the end of the world will be heralded by the capture of a barracuda near Plymouth. Others claim that this is a load of old cobblers and that all Nostradamus was predicting was the advent of NASCAR racing and that the final eliminator would be won by someone in a Plymouth Barracuda.

Rogues Gallery?

The Tate St. Ives may be able to provide a clue in solving a murder!

A so-far unidentified woman's body was found in a suitcase in a ditch in North Yorkshire. She had been bound and gagged using a type of adhesive tape which is only sold in the four Tate Galleries in this country.

Sticking The Boat In

Hayle fishermen are refuting claims made earlier that Hayle harbour is dangerous. It is feared that comments about the safety of the harbour access, which needs dredging, might adversely affect the harbour regeneration project.

A spokesman said that conditions were 'challenging not dangerous'. But enough about Hayle, what about the harbour access!

The Result Is Academic

In a wholly predictable development it was announced that GCSE exam results in Cornwall have improved yet again for the thirteenth consecutive year. The county is now clearly beginning to benefit from the presence of these super-intellects as evidenced by .....

Ah, yeas, that's a point, sorry, hadn't really thought that last sentence through.

Anyway, an official spokesman denied the oft-repeated accusation of a dumbing-down of exam standards pointing out that previously the pass rate for Maths was only forty-one and sixteen quarters whereas now it is 138%!

Getting All Steamed Up

A steam train may be coming to St. Ives next Easter, which will no doubt please both enthusiasts and the people still waiting on Platform 3.

Apparently, it is the 1936 1030 to Penzance and the driver has just remembered where he parked it before he went for his tea-break.

Given that our glorious modernised and privatised railway system is a total shambles, returning to the age of steam actually seems to make a lot of sense. However, a spokesman for the private rail companies denied that they were unable to organise the proverbial in a youknowwhat.

He then confirmed that the companies would be holding their annual Xmas party in the Sharp's Brewery on February 31st!

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