The Beast Of Times, The Worst Of Times

If you thought that gobbling noise you hear at night was locals taking their turkeys for a walk (or local kids doing unmentionable things!), then think again.

Billy Perkins of Southfield Place (see Street Map) has (allegedly) had his pussy munched. Not much remained of the former feline, apart from a few bits of jawbone and a pool of blood.

Billy suspects that a wild beast is on the loose in St. Ives ..... since the schools have started breaking up we suspect that a lot of wild beasts are on the loose in St. Ives!

Hello, Gordon

Just a quick 'hello' to Gordon the Scottish (former St. Ives Bay Hotel, now somewhere in Scotland hotel owner (sorry Gordon if you mentioned it it went in through one braincell and out through the other), (and Evan and Calum (nice bracelet, I used to make them out of paperclips when I worked in an office!))) , who popped into the Sloop for a pint and with whom a much-needed damn good beer and natter was enjoyed!

Bury My Knees At Wounded Heart

[With apologies to the native Americans for the blasphemous use!]

Despite ugly rumours that Vile Jelly is close to throwing in the towel, the Reporting Team have been able (using an old jedi mind trick) to inveigle the Vile One to once more venture into the wilds to try and bring a new feature to the website.

Unfortunately, due to problems with the work/hours in the day interface we can not be sure quite when this feature will appear but for all those who have suffered from VJ and have only wished that some small part of that suffering might be reflected back onto him, the Reporting Team proudly present:-

Tit A Tate!

Always being susceptible to a good inveigle, Jelly has been lured by Corser T. into some sort of event/opening/closing/gratuitous piss-up at the Tate Gullery [sic] tonight (Friday).

As they used to say in Stingray, stand by anything could happen in the next thirty minutes!

Life Boy

A salutary word of warning for those of you contemplating coming to St. Ives this Summer:-

A two year old is recovering (as at going to press) in hospital after tripping up and (technically) drowning in the shallows of Porthminster Beach. Fortunately, aforementioned sprog was resuscitated by the lifeguards after his grandparents raised the alarm.

Now, anybody who knows St. Ives will tell you that Porthminster is the beach that a lot of families go to because it is so innocuous. Which only goes to prove the point that there is no such thing as a 'safe environment' where small children are concerned.

So, if you are bringing sproglets down, please keep an eye on them because it really puts a crimp on our day if we have to go and fish them out of the sea.

Ladies And Gentleman, The King Has Entered The Building!

Those of you with a long memory may remember last week's news bulletin item concerning Eddie, the wantaway King Snake (see Well Done, O Good And Faithful Serpent). 

Sad to report that despite his (and the Reporting team's) best efforts, Eddie was recaptured within sight of the Swiss border and has now been returned to solitary confinement. In a show of (movie) solidarity the Shauns have sent him a baseball and glove although the rest of the Reporting Team are not sure how Eddie is going to be able to use them!

The Grass Is Always Greener ...

An anonymous contributor (mother) spotted one of the Shauns in the Daily Telegraph recently.

Apparently, the Shauns had heard that the best grass (of the green lawn variety, hem, hem!) in England was about to put in its annual appearance and so they set off to Wimbledon in search of pastures new.

Things seemed to be going alright, and Shaun had already worked his way around the baselines (hence the bare patches you could see on the TV) when he was spotted by a security guard.

"There's a sheep on No. 1 Court," he radioed in.

"That's odd," said security control, "Henman is playing on Centre Court."

So, much to his chagrin, Shaun was rounded up and put in the pen on 'Henman Hill' with all the other sheep!

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