Thought For The Week
Vel oo er n'yannoo berreen dy liooar er nyn son?
[Have you made enough cake for us?]
Police Sir!
The Americans started it, of course, when they introduced sniffer dogs and,
metal detectors in some skools to try to prevent the drug-waving, gun-taking
yoof of today from behaving in class just as they behave everywhere else. Now,
St. Ives Skool has taken this concept one step further by installing a police
ossifer!
A secret informant, known only as 'our secret informant', tells us that
community police officeress, Trudi Pitts, is now regularly in HMP St. Ives Skool
on Fridays to have consultations/confrontations/condemnations/conflagrations (*
delete where not applicable) with the sprogs in an attempt to dissuade them from
a life of crime (or local politics).
Given the apparent foul-mouthed imbecility of those likely to be in the 'most
at risk' category 'twould appear that the police officeress is likely to have
her work cut out. Apparently the local bookies have already stopped taking bets
on WPC Pitts ending up in therapy before the first snows of winter fail to fall!
Who! Do You Think You're Kidding?
You've got to laugh, haven't you? Well, I did. Heartily. Oh, the
optimism of some .....
Those few of you who pay attention will be aware that the St.
Ives Fringe Festival is currently on. Among various events there are quite a lot
of bands/musicians of various ilks performing hither and thither.
All of a sudden, yesterday (when all my troubles seemed so far
away), I got an urgent and excited phone call from a friend. 'The grapes on the
wordvine are that Pete Townsend is playing tonight. Do you know where?'.
As it happened, I knew not. 'S odd, I thunk, if someone as (in)famous as guitar-smashing,
Whoster, Paedophile Pete is playing I'm sure one
of my insider contacts would have mentioned it to me. Especially as I was
speaking to some of them this very day. I wonder what the festival prog has to
say on the subject .....
..... oh dear!
The Windmills Of Your Mind
Don't know if it made the news in your area but those stupid windmills they
have plastered the North Cornish coast with finally came in useful. Not for
generating any meaningful amount of electricity mind but the crew of a sunken
boat managed to spot them while drifting around in a life raft and called the
rescue services.
Good job they knew that Cornwall has these because otherwise, if they'd rung
up and said they were somewhere off the coast looking at a load of windmills
they'd have probably told the rescue services they were somewhere near Holland!
Flower Power
St. Ives and Cardboard Bay have triumphed in the National Britain In Bloom
competition. As reported previously, St. Ives went through to the national
finals after winning the regional award and this week in Harrogate scooped the
Best Town in Britain in the coastal resort under 20,000 (Good job the judges
didn't come in August, there's usually that many just in the Sloop!) category.
Head Gardenia, John Bassett, was also awarded one of nine individual Britain
In Bloom Commendations for all his years of toil. Asked what his secret was, the
retiring Mr. Bassett just said, "Well, it takes all sorts"!
Good
The twat that stole a fishing boat resulting in a lifeboat/helicopter chase
which ended in the stolen boat hitting rocks off Godrevy was jailed for 120 days
this week.
The stolen boat suffered an estimated £16,000 in damage and towing costs and
the owner estimated he had lost £6,000 in earnings. That's before you factor in
whatever it cost the RNLI and RAF to use three lifeboats and a helicopter to
deal with the problem.
The criminal, Marvin McCrea, a 28 year old LONDONER said he took the boat
because he thought 'it would be fun'. We say the RNLI should be allowed to nail
him to the front of the lifeboat as a figurehead. For a bit of fun.
Bad
St. Ives Police have announced that they are launching a crackdown on the
growing problem of 'boy racers' who have been generating complaints with their
moronic motoring shenanigans (including a very snotty letter in this week's
Cornishman apparently blaming us for what appears to be a universal problem in
any place where the yoof of today gather in numbers).
Sgt Mike Roddray said that the problem was not just being caused by the St.
Ives youthery. He said they come from 'Penzance, Camborne, everywhere'. He also
went on to express the heretical notion that some of the hoolies may be young
male holiday-makers.
But we all know that it is St. Ives that is at fault and that holiday-makers
are all lovely people who make our lives wonderful, don't we?
Ugly
"I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas ..."
Those of you who dwell in or visit St. Ives at Crimbo will know that every
year mini decorated Xmas trees were put in the flag-holding brackets of the
shops and what-nots in the town's main streets.
But not this year. Or, 'twould appear, ever again. John Packard, chairman of
the (apparently) now defunct St. Ives Chamber of Trade, announced that due to
the size of the cost and lack of size of the people to do it, they would not be
doing the Crimbo tree thing this year.
Which is rather poor.
Piss poor to be precise. Unfortunately, this is typical of St. Ives these
days. Too many businesses are now owned and run by people with no interest in
anything but the size of their own bank account. The money is there but
it is in the possession of people who only want to take from and not give to the
community of St. Ives.
Let's hope that Santa doesn't bring them any pressies this Christmas and that
Jesus has got them on his 'Straight To Hell' list.
Next Back Home
Site Map