Kitchen Bitchin'

Helen Bristol

29 December 2002 14:37

Seasonal Cheers

Greetings O Vile One.
Well, the Saturnalia celebrations are fading into memory, the Winter solstice came and went with a bottle of champers and, at last, the days are getting longer.  Thanks to Soupie and friends I managed to get through the dread month of December with just one tear - when "It'll be Lonely this Christmas" came on the crystal set,  the rest of the time I was engrossed in our email exchanges, festive preparations and work.  Not a good month for me - December.  Usually want to hibernate until Easter. Silly really as I'd miss birthdays and Valentines Day and all that sort of thing.
We had a Moule Fest on Xmas Eve.  Buggers to catch at this time of year.  Lost an earring half way through the evening so facial hair of all males present had to be inspected just in case it had got entangled. Big Mac's wasn't to hard to ferret through.  The damned thing turned up in the washing machine a few days later... don't ask, I don't know/can't remember.
I think my poltergeist is at work again.  One lost/found earring. Also mislaid are my glasses which I wear when computing.  Having to sit half way across the room with the keyboard on my lap so that I can read what's on the screen.  Hope they'll turn up soon as its a bit inconvenient and uncomfortable. Preferably not in the same place as the earring. 
We've got 2 buy one get one free vouchers for the Fox and Goose to use between 2/1/03 and 13/2/03  What an effort that will be!
Wishing you Life, Liberty AND Happiness - and whateverelse you wish for - in 2003

Vile Jelly

29 December 2002 15:51

Greetings earthling,
Not much to report from Planet Zog. Celebrating by having a Dickensian themed crimbo (i.e. working for a pittance, only getting christmas day off, spirits having their revenge!).
It's piddling down here at the mo' but that hasn't deterred the whole world and his dog turning up in preparation for the new year's eve riots. Did 90+ lunches today. Obviously they missed a bit of the angel's speech when they wrote the bible, the correct phrase should be 'goodwill to all men (except chefs)'!
Just extricating myself from my soggy gear while the Reporting Team run me a hot lager and pour me a cold shower.
They had a couple of new additions this crimbo courtesy of my nephew and niece. Don't know if you remember/are aware of the cult 70's kiddies cartoon Roobarb and Custard, suffice it to say ...
Ah, that's the RT to say the shower/lager is just at the right temperature. They say 'happy new year' and have you got any suggestions as to what they can go as on new year's eve?

Helen Bristol

29 December 2002 18:31

Piddling here too. Did they have chefs at the original crimbo time?  Thought the women did all that bit in the slave pits..or was that just in Herod's palace?
Sounds heavenly - hot lager and a cold shower. 
REMEMBER Roobarb and Custard?  I can still hear Richard Briers. Wasn't just for kids. Worthy additions to the RT.  P'r'aps Roobarb could do some undercover work starting with the canine parts of all the world and his ..., and suggest to them that Newlyn would be a better place to walk on the beach.  Tried getting something to eat there in Nov.  Big fat zero.
My new year greetings, hugs and kisses to the RT.  New Years Eve?  How about a flock of sea gulls?
Big Mac cooking tonight. Makes a change from turkey.

Vile Jelly

29 December 2002 19:14

Dogs ..... don't talk to us about dogs. We don't blame the little (and not so little) beasts per se but ..... if only Saint Tony  (PM. control freak, ruler of the known universe, etc) would pass a law that made it legal to blow away any human-bean seen with a non-faeces-controlled pooch then I think you might see a change in the quality of your pavements.
We feel particularly sorry for The Sonics as they use frictionless trainers to maintain their unearthly speed. It's difficult to maintain unearthly speed when you are constantly having to clean your trainers.
Interesting about your assumption that aforementioned chefs must be male. None of the kitchen staff at the Slupe are women, although, to be fair, they can hardly be described as men!
As far as Nude Jeers Heave can be concerned, the seagulls and all the rest can get flocked!
PS. Understand the appalling risk that you are taking with Big Mac's culinary skills but why wasn't the aforementioned turkey available to cook?

Helen Bristol

30 December 2002 10:37

'Cos we'd eaten it, silly.
I doubt whether St. Tone is sufficiently grounded to realise there is a problem of fouling on the pavements.  Locally we have by-laws which are re-inforced by verbal reprimands from teen-to-twenty-somethings along the lines of "That's our f****** pavement that your f******dog just crapped on and I've got to walk my f******child along it so why don't you f****** well clear it f****** up? As you can see they have an amazing command of their native Anglo Saxon. 
Think about it - is St. Delia ever referred to as a chef? No. She's a COOK.  Likewise with Sophie, Her highness Elizabeth David, Fanny, etc - all cooks. Have you read "Kitchen Confidential"?  With all that testosterone whizzing around I'm not surprised few females venture into a professional kitchen.  Mind you I would have thought the blokes were to busy to feel randy. P'r'aps that's just one of those urban myths.
Got 2 recipe books for crimbo so will away to plan some continental meals, at least I can pretend I'm down by the Med and it really is warm and sunny.  Turn the heating up Androo and put the sun lamp on.  Now where did I put the Factor 16?

Vile Jelly

30 December 2002 15:49

Just (occasionally) dipping into Kitchen Confidential which a friend purchased for me when they heard of the dreadful fate that had befallen me. Must say it all seems fairly familiar and unremarkable to me. Surely everyone knew what goes on in kitchens?
I think most wimmin are deterred from chefing by their lack of swearing vocabulary and inability to maintain a constant stream of vitriol in all directions. The air in the kitchen was certainly blue today. Another grim lunch. Mike (chef) and I have decided that the next person who asks if we've had a good xmas is going to be knifed and dumped in the harbour.
Roll on January 6th .....
..... PLEASE

Helen Bristol

30 December 2002 16:34

NO I got to go back to work then

Vile Jelly

30 December 2002 16:55

So, do I. Well, actually I will have never been off work. At least things should be quieter then.
It's a real bummer chefing here (or anywhere, I suppose) because since my inglorious career started I've seen bugger all of Summer, very little of Autumn and as for xmas and the new year .....
I regularly check in on the 10 o'clock news now. Not because I'm that interested in what's gone tits up today but just to convince myself that there is an outside world!

Helen Bristol

31 December 2002 13:54


Anyway, there is no need to shout.  I can hear you perfectly well if you speak in your usual dulcet tones.
So, what actually happens on Jan 6th that needed sooo much emphasis?  I thought that perhaps you were going away on holiday or some such exciting event.
Got the haggis ready for tonight so Big Mac can do the celtic thing.
Apparently the Baronetcy of Clan Donald of Skye that's up for sale is the wrong bit of the family so he's not interested in purchasing it - a cool £1m.  Mind you if we had that sort of cash lying idle about the place I wouldn't be spending my New Years Eve sanding down the downstairs loo door. oh dear me, no Some other poor sod could stand out there in the freezing cold. (It used to be the outside privy but at some stage someone built a lobby from the back door so that one could use the facilities without having to traipse around the garden in the pouring rain.) What with both the loo and outer back door facing vaguely East and the wind having shifted round to blast straight off the Steppes and NO heating in the loo itself it was cold.
Big Mac has tried out a Hugh Fearnley Eatitall recipe for Welsh Rarebit so that's lunch settled. Hark, I hear the luncheon gong so I'd best be getting down there.

Vile Jelly

31 December 2002 21:30

Can't speak much. Just exhausted myself on a horrendous lunch shift and a previous e-mail to Old Whatshisface.
The only thing you need to know about Jan 6th is that it is the day after the whole world (and his dog) bugger off.
That's the start of our (us and the bar staff) festive season!

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