Foreign Bodies?

[WARNING: The following e-mail contains occasional bouts of gibberish which some may find hard reading.

Oh, and if you're french (or Scottish, we presume no one from Iraq tunes into SSI) you probably should skip on to the next item!]

"Winwaloe" [Continued from Captain Nemo Me Lacessit Impune!]

03 February 2003 09:14

Re: Thoughts from rather too far up country

What chance do the Blue Ones have if they can't make it up. All the best news sories are made up. I suppose you think that men really landed on the moon, that John Lennon was shot and that Elvis is dead. All made up! - The moon landing was filmed at a secret location up Sennen way. John Lennon is alive and singing Cornish traditional folk songs in pubs in West Penwith and Elvis was last seen in Penzance (funny place Penzance). Not sure about an Andrew Macdonald, presumably it is something made in Scotland. What's it for? - Cornish is a funny language especially as it has three or more versions and not everyone seems to agree! - However think we are all right - Och hi the noodle!!! - -

PS - Any truth in the rumour that the USAAF now has a Seagull Squadron?

PPS - Any truth in anything?

PPPS - How are the tin cans doing up Carbis Bay?

Vile Jelly

03 February 2003 11:42

Actually, Elvis was just passing through Penzance to eat at his favourite establishment, Lord Lucan's Shergar Burgar Bar. He really lives in Halsetown (aka Kernow's Area 51)!

The Octagon (or whatever shape it is now) is still denying the formation of the USAAF Seagull Squadron. However, informed sources claim that CIA infiltrators have started a subversive campaign to convince Sadman Hussein and co. to start eating pasties in public. Coincidence?

No news from Cardboard Bay recently. The main road is currently being dug up so they have probably just received broadband at the very moment that they Roads Department digs up and severs all the phone cables!

PS. Nothing is true (including this statement).


03 February 2003 14:22

This is your chance!!! - Disguise one of the Blue Ones as a member of the SHS (no explanation needed surely) and infiltrate Al don't heed her and Sadman Hussein 's HQ. They could then steal the march on the Yanks (don't forget what the American said about the pasty)get the news and assist the laser guided seagull hits onto the target - Get going Pard!!!

Vile Jelly

03 February 2003 17:22

Unfortunately, we have already tried that.

We presumed that Ow! Aiiiieee! Dad and Maddass would have deployed their defences to protect themselves against a blue and spikey penetration (makes your eyes water, believe me!).

So, instead we sent in the S117-A Stealth Sheep. By retracting their legs and inhaling lots of helium they can pass for clouds. The infiltration was completely successful until we hid an unforeseen snag. Of course, they are vicious, killer sheep and once they had hoofed the enemy into submission the Shauns discovered that they were neither tasty nor nutritious.

And so, the mission had to be abandoned (although the Shauns got a good sun tan as you can probably tell from the photos).

So, it's back to Operation Seagull.


04 February 2003 09:28

Should have used Fresian cows, big bomb load and less likely to be rounded one by one shake and his camel. Seagull plan is best. Now, I don't think this is safe to leave the the Yanks (do I mean yanks?) Suggest you get "T"'s barmy army to spearhead the invasion. Those gold hoops will blend with the sand and the black will look like rocks (perhaps). If a front team could drop off a keg or two of Wreckers then by teh time the main body arrives the little fellers should be flat on their backs! (no I mean Saddman not the Cornwall's finest). Do it on March 5th and the flags can fly (probably better than Seagull Squadron) This will go down as a great victory second only to the Pear Branch Rebellion of 1999. Trust the weather is keeping you indoors - Toodle pip - W

Vile Jelly

04 February 2003 10:55

Actually, that's quite a cunning plan. It just needs some minor adaptation.

Now, if we were somehow able to transport the entire supply of Wreckers, Doom Bar, Sharp's Special, Cornish Knocker, etc. to Iraq surely the Men of Trelawney would form up en masse and tear Iraq apart in their attempts to retrieve their beloved ones!

And the yanks would stay out of the way too because (1) they can't sup real ale and (2) they would have to stay neutral in a (St P)Iran - Iraq conflict!


04 February 2003 17:16

I like it! - Now if we can flog the idea to Tony (what a nightmare) Blair we could do well out of this. As the mad warlord has not managed to sort out the French suggest we try it out on them first. Better leave the Breton's out of it because they should be on our side (bit like the last conflict really - well bits of France were on our side)- - Can see the issue with your far North sounding man as, having read the website posting I notice he seems to reside in East Anglia. That, of course, explains everything! Still they do have Adnams and that is almost as good as Skinners. Anyway - Cornish Saints for ever - Rgds Winwaloe

Vile Jelly

04 February 2003 19:05

Idea? Flogging? Tony Blair?

Rearrange these words, adding those of your own choice, to create a solution that will appeal to all!

As for the french, don't tempt me .....

Too late, you did.

People sneer at the Crimbo Tree Norway sends us every year for Trafalgar (another day, another defeat of the french) Square. They send it as a token of gratitude for the efforts we made to liberate Norway ..... which were bugger all.

Now, the efforts we made to liberate France were considerable for which we have received ..... bugger all except abuse.

Way, way back, many centuries ago (not long after the bible began) I started out in a previous existence as a white collar office flunky. One of the people I worked with had a father. Which many of us do. But his father had fought at Arnhem. He said that all his father had to do (and he didn't, except on memorial days) was wear his red beret or mention his past service in certain parts of Holland and then he didn't have to buy a drink or whatever.

And we got stuffed at Arnhem and failed to liberate most of them.

The battle for hearts and minds, eh?:

Maybe that's why we don't get on with the french ..... because they don't have any!

PS. Obscure historical fact. During the latter years of WW1 the President of the USA (Woodrow Wilson) launched a plan for post-war settlement, one of whose major points was the right of 'National Self-Determination'. And so, at the Versailles negotiations the Brit, Frog and Yank premiers were besieged by various national and ethnic groups demanding the right to be their own country. The Czechs, Poles, etc. got away with it. What is seldom advertised is the fact that the Breton delegation got knocked back.


05 February 2003 09:47

Funny that - My Father was in France via the Normandy landings and has several good words for the French, although I won't put them down here. He was also in Belgium. The family he stayed with had been helping British airman to escape and the husband had been taken by the Gestapo. Up to a few years ago my parents still received a Christmas card from the daughter of the famipresumedmued now dead) Was in
Brusselwhilehbackabckbusinessenss andconversationtwithitht a cab driver mentioned that the old man had been over there - result = he refused to take a fare!!! - Funny old world really. Now back to reality - If we do declare war on the French instead on the rest of the World that may cause dear old England a bit of a problem as we will hevenvern
more of them over here. So, I plan to claim asylum in Cornwall blowing up the Tamar Bridge as I cacrossross (the boys say the surfing is better there than in the "home counties" anyway). Aseem sem to be a member of everything form Cornish Heritage to Cornish Solidarity (OK I know it's falling apart but I still wear my T shirt with pride and in France) do you think I could take Cornish nationality - I am learning the language!!! - Have fun!

Vile Jelly

05 February 2003 10:47

Well, you see the Normans aren't french either, so maybe that proves the point!

Yes, the surf here is marginally better than that experienced on the Thames or the English Channel. Even better, the optimum times for surfing tend to coincide with periods when the schools are still in so it's the locals and the dedicated surfies who get the benefit. I always snigger when I see hordes of visitors turn up armed to the teeth with surfboards, wetsuits, etc. in August and attempt to surf on the ripples!

Tried blowing up the Tamar Bridge but it's rather solidly put together. Now, if it was a modern construction we could forgo the explosives and just wait for it to collapse five years after it was built!

PS. Talking of which, the rail authorities seem to be finally getting their act together down here. The wrinklies were in P'zance the other stay and, lo and behold, a steam passenger train hoved into view with 300+ passengers on board. And it was a mere 5 minutes late! This makes a refreshing change from the normal modern 'state-of-the-ark' train which seems to invariably fall to pieces somewhere between Truro and Camborne stranding the passengers for hours when only a few miles from home.


05 February 2003 13:29

Some people never learn - You shot have got the Blue Ones down there. The train that arrived was the 0815 from Paddington that left at 0816 on February 3 1924 this is why the passengers were looking a bit on the old side!! - Now of course compared with what we up country fools call the Metropolitan Line that is not bad going. You are right about the Normans but what about the Lamberts? - - Does your Scottish sounding friend ever send you any Adnams? - - By the way, and this could be a good one for your foreign correspondent on the reporting team. The MacGreggors had letters of Fire and Sword served on them in 1700 and something  - this, I am told, basically means if you see one you can do away with one without fear of repercussion (whatever that is)The idea has not been rescinded I hear. Get the hogs on the story!! See the Seagull Squadron is getting ready. They were doing low level formation flying along the Thames yesterday. Assume they have come up from St.Ives using the A30 and M4 to navigate. 'Course, they could have floated up on a millstone or fig leave I suppose - Tereba nessa (as they say in Modern Cornish)- W

Vile Jelly

05 February 2003 17:13

Oh, the Scotch don't have it that easy you know. As far as 'laws they forgot to repeal' go .....

When I was on the Isle of Man there still existed a by-law (correct use of terminology, they were Viking ruled) that had never been taken off the books that on the north of the island during the Summer months you could legally plug any scotch person who set foot on Manx soil (provided you did it with a bow and arrow).

Disappointingly, the practice seemed to have fallen into disuse while I was there!

PS. 'Modern' Cornish? Then Macdonald was right, you are talking cobblers. It'll be Esperanto next!


05 February 2003 17:56

MacDonald - didn't they make soup out of fellow clansman? - Should never have let them watch Braveheart - - anyway modern, unified, Common Cornish - all good fun and must carry on with the tapes. Not sure how it will help me but might get me eccentrictricthe teh year award I suppose. Actually I rather fancy a long blue robe - oh well one day and back to the tape machine - - W

Vile Jelly

06 February 2003 18:02

Eccentric of the Year? Not down here, boy.

If you're lucky you might get a nomination for the 'Slightly More Odd Than Everyone Else' Award.


07 February 2003 16:08

Arr yes but when I have the full set of Denys Val baker first editions (and not too many left to collect) I will be there. Do you happen to know if Margo Maccelsbough (not sure of spelling) is still in St Ives?  She was/is an artist of considerable talent. Enjoy the weekend and thank you God that you are not stuck in this hell hole called London and the Home Counties!!!!

Vile Jelly

08 February 2003 09:23

Have been introduced to Martin Val Baker (some reli I presume) but never heard of a Margot Mackerelborough (or anyone similar sounding).

Mind you, down here artists are almost as numerous (and verminous) as seagulls so we don't tend to pay much attention to them (apart from when they are trying to steal your food. Homework project for the weekend: Compare and contrast the actions of a St Ives Seagull and Arthur Oram at the Sloop Meat Draw!).

Cheer up, London can't be all that bad. At least you're rubbing shoulders with the St Ives propertied classes!

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