Fete 'Hofs And No Charity! - E-Mail correspondence with Spooky St. Ives

Helen Bristol

30 August 2003 17:16

TV? Its that new-fangled cathode ray tube thingy invented by Mr. John Yogi Bear. It'll never catch on. One feels so foolish sitting in one's own Lounge applauding at the end of a performance.

But when it comes to reality......................you know I'm not into all this deep stuff .................the gin makes sure of that. though possibly not in the industrial quantities you suggest.

Hospital fete this p,m, Lowestoft has 3 main events each year, apart from my birthday, and the gods pissed on all of them. 'still, it got out nice later on. This is the New-Labour-without-spin method of trying to make the books balance at the end of March. As they say - every little helps.

I'm on a 7day week as far as catering is concerned, so that BM can get on with stripping, so its off to the equivalent of the slave pits.

Vile Jelly

30 August 2003 21:39

So, the proverbial fete worse than death, eh?

Don't let BM be a difficult customer. Remember, if you're doing the cooking you've got the sharp implements. If he gives you any grief just threaten him with his wusthofs. Better still, threaten his wusthofs. I can give you a few tips on how to bend, blunt and generally bugger up knifes!

Helen Bristol

31 August 2003 11:51

Don't need any. I just have to try to sharpen them - blunts 'em in no time flat.

PS BM difficult???

Vile Jelly

31 August 2003 16:52

Well, far be it for me to say ..... but ever since he did the one and only expose on the reality of dining out in St. Ives we have lived in fear ..... that he won't do a similar number on the Slave Pits when he is next here!

PS. Don't take it to heart about failing to sharpen Wusthofs, as far as I am aware they were born permanently blunt. My head says Globals every time but the few remaining unsevered appendages say 'Wusthofs for our sake!'.

Oh, the humanity.

Helen Bristol

31 August 2003 18:02

There are times when I don't like to sound smug and say "told you so" so I won't. But then there are Globals and Globals

As you yourself said , the Sloop is a pub serving food. BM, not being into fat food (though neither is he into the excrutiating slowness of the previously reported-on establishment) likes to dine out in restaurants, cavernas or bistros and as long as he's paying so do I, so fear ye not...................unless, that is, he decides to slum it......................in the name of research you understand. Oh, no, you don't do you? Well anyway, we won't let you know if or when we're descending on SI nor where we would or will be staying, so you'll just have to maintain your usual high standards ad infinitum. What with all the repair bill for the mud hut it will probably be in a bus shelter. The hot dry weather made the mud shrink, and now the deluges are making a slimey mess. Oh, the joy of home ownership and DIY............no time for the other thing!!

Vile Jelly

31 August 2003 22:17

I stand corrected.

The Reporting Team slump corrected (they have difficulty standing at this time of night!).

Are you sure you can afford the bus shelter on your budget. Given the rapacious prices charged for accommodation in St. Ives even Croesus would have had to take out a mortgage from King Midas!

PS. What's the other thing or are the RT too young and innocent to know?

Helen Bristol

01 September 2003 16:52

There are times when ,as a guardian, you have to stand back and just let them grow up. Oh, I know they will be exposed (if you'll pardon the expression) to things from which you'd prefer to protect them. But how will they ever learn to deal with the World, Humans and Emms if you don't let them loose from time to time? Though, from what you say, they sneak off down the pub at the least opportunity. Still, boys will be boys so I suppose the same applies to Sonics, FEs, Shauns, etc, etc.

I expect you are familiar with that extremely popular "Joy of....." series. In this case I was of course referring to The Joy of Sumo. What did you think I was referring to?

The bus shelter we were viewing on the web was not in the most salubrious part of town, in need of a lick of paint and some of the seats were missing, but I think we can stretch to the £200 per person per night if we only doss down during the daytime.

Vile Jelly

02 September 2003 09:52

Actually, I regard myself as more of a Daily Telegraph to the RT. As for dealing with the world, I was under the impression that they are plotting to take it over. Which would certainly be a good thing compared to the present owners/occupiers!

PS. As you are in the bargain bucket band at £200 pp pn I assume you are either dossing down in the bus stop at Longstone Cem or Nancledra. Still, I suppose it could be worse ..... you could end up in Penzance. Urk!

Helen Bristol

02 September 2003 17:39

Now you're showing your true colours.

PS Still negotiating.

PPS You're doing it all wrong, again. To keep the emms out of SI you should be praising Cardboard Bay, the Pirates of Penzance and St Ozzell

PPPS Its getting autumnal here..........have to get the thermals out soon.

Vile Jelly

02 September 2003 21:37

It's hot and sunny here (well, hot and moony at this time of night).

The balloonatics were supposed to go today but postponed the great blow-up for 24 hours. Still waiting to find out if the inflatanauts are going tomorrow. Hope they remember to take a puncture repair kit with them if they do go!

[Oooh, the irony, VJ must be psychic!]

Helen Bristol

03 September 2003 16:03

Greetings, Oh Great Seer,

How did you know they would need it? The RT haven't been up to their old tricks again, have they? This thing will run and run. How many years can they spin it out for? I can't help wondering WHY?

PS out with the shorts and T shirts again today.

Vile Jelly

03 September 2003 17:24

If you receive this e-mail ..... you haven't seen it.

All I can say that the Reporting Team is entirely innocent because they didn't do it .....

..... but, given the number of free-loading media twats that descended like ..... I was going to say vultures but given the quality of their output maybe dung beetles is a better metaphor!

Any rumours that a couple of pissed off chefs swam out last night and exercised their Globals is mere speculation. I have the RT as alibis ..... or, at least, I will have once they've dried out!

PS. I was staying the night in your haywain in East Angular if anyone asks, OK?

Helen Bristol

04 September 2003 08:40

OK. That's one hell of a swim. 15 miles wasn't it? Oh, of course, it wasn't anyone we know, so you wouldn't know how far. My lips are sealed ..................................... that 's until a dung beetle offers me lots of dosh to muck rake with it!

Vile Jelly

04 September 2003 08:57

Don't worry. Kiss and tell all. We've done a deal with the seals after finding out that there is no extradition treaty with them.

Helen Bristol

04 September 2003 17:41

Why were you talking in that funny squeaky voice? Been near any helium recently?

PS Don't fancy kissing a dung beetle

Vile Jelly

04 September 2003 18:38

No, that's just an inevitable consequence of waving my metaphorical rolling-pin at the RT when they staggered in late at night and I made the mistake of leaving my vulnerable bits undefended!

PS. It can't be worse than being expected to cook for them.

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