I've just read Helling's thing about not caring what she looks like.  May she be forgiven!  You should just hear her when she chips her nail varnish or smudges her eyeliner!  So unlike yours truly.................'scuse while I just go and re-attach my eyelashes........................that's better, I wondered why I had a caterpillar dangling infront of my left eye. Now where was I ?  Playing hunt the whisky bottle.  She gets ever more devious

Loosey, it's me Shorn.

 

What you need to do is get CM to roam round the house making noises like a Scottish bod. That should flush the whisky out of hiding and then all you have to do is pounce when your beaters drive it towards you.

 

Failing that, whisky can be obtained from human pubs. Er ..... so I hear.

How do I know that you're the right Shorn talking to me?  Oh, Shorn if it really is you.........................oh dear, i've gone all red again.

 

The only impersonation that CM can manage is a duck which doesn't sound very macho to me, but then what do I know, a mere female crustacean?

 

He's sitting  here now going quack which i think means "Give me my tea NOW"  Now if he sat in the garden going quack Mr. Macdonald could pot a duck or two for the table and Helling might stop bringing my friends and relatives home from somewhere called Mr-Anchor-with-a-silent-double-you in Lowstoff.

 

PS Still no sign of the scotch but i did find a bottle of calvados so that will have to do

Potted ducks? We thought Helling was potting shrimps. What is she a compulsive potter (albeit of a different type to Trevor)?

 

PS. If you find you (or your friends) are under threat in East Angular you can always come over here. Last year VJ & co. were forced by the evil management to put a lobster salad on the menu. However, the fools made the mistake of supplying live lobsters (via Glen the Mad Lobsterman) and so VJ and A. N. Other (who shall remain nameless as he still works there) often managed to intercept them and released quite a few back into the wild off the Island. There should be quite a thriving colony there now.

 

VJ is hoping that one day they will grow into Giant Lobsters with a grudge against humanity (of which VJ is, of course, not a part) and go rampaging through the town!