Helen Hath No Fury ...

Helen Bristol

31 January 2004 13:48


Heeeeelp.  I'm being deleted...........
                                                .............................its very dark in here.
Is anyone else in here?  Maeve?  Gill? 
Did anyone else notice the absence of any female contributions in this week's promulgation? Has VJ gone all mysoginistic on us?  Even BM asked me why my emails had not been published.

Vile Jelly

31 January 2004 19:03

Obviously you didn't read the small print of THE PRONOUNCEMENT. Nothing gets officially promulgated (due to popular demand) unless it speaketh of St. Ives. Like I said the ems and nay-sayers won. Not my problem any more.
PS. If it's any constipation to you I did get other non-promulgated e-mus (which were responded to privetly) and the only reason that BM and Windy got a mention was because the former responded directly to the 'I will fight no more forever' and hence was deemed vaguely relevant and the latter mentioned the errant sewer referred to in the previous news bulletin and was deemed relatively vague.
As the old Klingon proverb goes, be careful what you wish for because you might get it!

Helen Bristol

01 February 2004 14:40

Ashley I did (read the small print - like what I was brought up to do)  But you've gone all Eyore-like in the past and it had passed, so I didn't think you meant it. So all I have to do is write "St Ives" somewhere in there and it will be deemed relevant? You see, I was right all the time about not publishing everything. 
Mind you what with all the non-promulgating you'll have time on your hands to do something about the things that get up your nose.
PS You'll be overjoyed to hear that the south west is yet again being promoted in the Sunday paper as an all-year-round destination for tourists.  There, I knew that would cheer you up.
PPS BM and I took the globe trotters for a Japanese-style meal on Friday.  Odd to have a Japanese eatery in Harleston, not exactly the cosmopolitan hub of East Angular. It was good.  We all agreed that sushi was not a favourite but January/February are promo time so after one visit you get the 2-for-1 or 10% off vultures.  No doubt we'll be in there again.  Ashley, for a rural community like this we have some pretty good eateries. 

Vile Jelly

02 February 2004 09:36

Au contraire, Slackbladder, the dole gestapo require you to be able to account for every minute of each day and prove that it was spent earnestly looking for a job (lack of jobs in the area being no excuse). I, therefore, have even less time available for the website than when I was in the slave pits.
However, you are, as you admit, right about everything and so, in deference to your infinite superiority, I look forward to receiving your submissions for the next half a dozen or so features. There's obviously no point me doing it as I will just get it wrong and fail to meet your standards. If you just e-mail them to me I will type them up for promulgation. In the meantime I will tell the RT they are fired unless you want to keep them on as your gophers.
Friday noon is the submissions deadline (Thursday noon for epics).

Helen Bristol

02 February 2004 20:21

No can do, Bald-ric. Apart from a day trip to la belle France today - saves euros on the month's shopping if you ignore the fact of having to get there in the first place and anyway it makes a change from Tesco, I'm working 8.30 to 4.30 for the next 4 days.  Evenings?  No. Swimming tomorrow, gym Wednesday, have to throw in a bit of dusting somewhere along the line.  Besides, how can I write anything about St Ivel if I don't know what's going on - I rely on you for that info so you might just as well write it yourself otherwise it might get re-interpreted in transit and who knows where that sort of thing can lead - we'd not get Hutton to whitewash the result.
Right I am, I admit it, but don't dispose of the RT, one as busy as I needs gophers and getters and general lackeys
PS Great Aunt Lucy (she's for real) she say ' there should be something that you want in life but which you never let yourself attain, there lies the motivation to go on'

Vile Jelly

03 February 2004 09:14

Just get yourself unemployed. Then, as you so sagaciously have pointed out, you will have nothing better to do than spend your time entertaining people. (Whether or not you feel like entertaining people is irrelevant). So, come on, get cracking. Quit today, do the dole forms tomorrow and you'll have plenty of time to get the first feature submitted for the next promulgation. There are people out there who have so much more than you, so sacrifice what little you have to give them more. You know it's only fair!
Naturally modest too. The RT say that Gordon is perfectly happy to do a bit of gophering but they are not gets and, given they are stuck with me, they are feeling distinctly un-lackey.
PS. I thought you said that Lucy was a mere slip of a lobster so how can she be your great aunt? Anyway, tell me something I don't know. The trick is to settle on a goal that is unattainable but also from which much enjoyment can be derived in the non-attainment. That's why I selected exterminating the human race. It may be an unrealistic ambition but by god it's fun trying!

Helen Bristol

03 February 2004 18:34

Its sort of double vision.  G-A Lucy (whom I never met) was from my husband's side of the family.  I believe her "unattainable" object was a particular diamond ring - something like the Koh-i-Noor I suspect.  Young Lu-Lo has her sites set in a less tangible direction.
 Anyway, I could and do entertain people AND get paid for it - however, I won't give up the day job just yet.  Knowing this government they'll make it illegal to enjoy yourself so I'd have to keep on with the NHS.  Can't do dole if I quit - there are too many vacancies - the world, as they say, is my oyster, I'm just looking for that pearl of great price.

Vile Jelly

04 February 2004 09:54

Is GA (or possibly GaGa) Lucy still with you? If so, the Shauns say to tell her that there are no unattainable ringtones, you just have to know where to download them from.
I wasn't expecting you to give up your cushy job-for-life in the National Administration Service, I am just mystified by your reasoning that I, who doesn't get paid to entertain people, should be running around after everyone else, who do. Surely the other way round? Besides, given the amount of office hours e-mails I get it's not like you lot have got something better to do. Surely between the lot of you, you could pool your fag/tea/gossip break times and come up with a LOTR-esque epic in several volumes.
In the immoral worms of Precedent Jay Eff Kay, ask not what Spooky St. Ives can do for you, ask what you can do for Spooky St. Ives!

Helen Bristol

04 February 2004 17:43

No, but she would probably be very ga-ga by now, probably well into her 100s.  Do they go bling-bling?
That's a bit rich!  I've been doing my daily bit sending you emus for well over - a very long time anyway. Just because you've capitulated to pressure and moved the goal posts...
Don't know about the others but I don't have time to even look at my emus some days let alone send any outside the work domain. Make up your mind - get yourself unemployed means give up your job, doesn't it? or am I missing something here? That's just the way of things - some people are born to entertain, and some are there to be entertained.

Vile Jelly

05 February 2004 10:49

No, theirs plays The Seekers classic, I'll Never Find Another Ewe!
Absolutely-dootly. I don't see why everyone else should expect to take pot-shots at me and not receive return fire from the trenches. Anyway, why shouldn't I move the pressure and capitulate to the goal posts if it helps me out? You keep nagging me for moaning about things so I shut up and then you complain that I don't promulgate your e-mails. So, in essence, what you appear to be saying is that you just want me to promulgate everyone else's views and keep my trap shut with regards to my own wants and views. Difficult not to capitulate under those terms of reference.
As one frustrated footie manager said a while back after being given a load of stick from the fans 'the definition of a supporter is someone who turns up and gets behind you when things go wrong, not someone who turns up and gives you a load of grief as soon as you hit a bump in the road'.
Now if you'll excuse (or execute) me, Thugsday is jobs day in the local papyri so I am off for a trip to the newsagents (more in hope than expectation).

Helen Bristol

05 February 2004 17:50

That may be your interpretation but it isn't what I meant. But when has that ever stopped anyone? Only in this case it probably won't result in the death of thousands of people. And you don't need to lecture me on sticking with friends through good as  well as bad times.  I seem to be still around, as well as a round.
My head hurts - been doing sums this afternoon, still not sure whether there is enough in the pot to replace 2 members of staff or even create some new posts.  I think I'll have to have a soothing G&T.  Talking of which, how is Soupie? I haven't heard from her for a while.
Any joy on the job front? Won't the local hostelries, inns and hotels be gearing up for Easter soon? Better to travel in hope...............

Vile Jelly

06 February 2004 09:31

Nonsense, with a well camouflaged position, plenty of ammo and a decent sniper rifle I could easily have a crack at bumping off a four figure number. You've got to think big (and violent) if you want to amount to anything in today's society. Do you think if I promise to vote for Toeknee he'll supply me with the gear? It seems a mutually beneficial deal for us. Admittedly other people might not do so well out of it by neither of us cares about the people so I can't see that being a stumbling block.
Honestly, how long have you worked in the National Helpyourselftoanexpensesform Service and you can't even solve a simple problem like that? You don't replace the two departed staff, you call a meeting and say things like "we've all got to work smarter not harder". Then you help yourself to the cash in the slush fund, give yourself a massive payrise and bugger off on a round the world 'fact-finding' mission courtesy of P&O. (Alternatively, you could use the slush fund to create a vital admin post in St. Ives for which you just happen to know the ideal candidate!). You've got to think like higher level management. Soupie does. She says she can manage anything, especially another round of G&Ts.
..... than in a Citroen 2CV!

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