was reported yesterday that The Wharf Association of Traders have devised
a plan that would in one impressive move exclude vehicular traffic from
The Wharf; ensure that the skateboarding dudes have no thoroughfare and,
now this is the supremely clever bit, increase the trading surface area to
its members and thus encourage higher numbers of tourists, daytrippers and
The Plan, proposed at a secret meeting of TWAT
on Tuesday night, was unanimously agreed.
There was, however, discussion about the need to make special
arrangements for the delivery of catering and retail items, probably
entailing night time deliveries to minimise the impact of reducing the
Emmet/Trader space ratio. The increase in turnover counterbalancing higher
delivery costs, which would of course in turn mean higher prices.
The problem of the lifeboat crew having to
negotiate their way along an ever more crowded Wharf when they’re on a
shout, was considered. One
member, known only by his code name, “S”, suggested building a flyover
from The Stennack to the Lifeboat Station.
Much heated discussion followed, at which point further
refreshments were called for (”On the tab, landlord, VJ’ll settle it
As the meeting progressed the proposals as to
what this little-used flyover could also be used for became increasingly
imaginative. These included mackerel hurling, crab racing, hopkernow, and
a dossing alley for the surfer-dudes. The scheme that met with almost
unanimous approval, proposed by “O”, was for it to be offered to the
skateboarders on condition that the barrier at the harbour end be removed,
especially at high tide. S-T-K-S
(there’s always one, isn’t there?) was concerned that PC Pittiless
(it’s the Pitts – they’re taking over the world – well the
constabulary, anyway) might attempt to sabotage the Plan as it would solve
the yoof problem.
The reader may be pondering, as I did, just
what The Plan entails. “That”,
I was told by the TWAT spokescreature, “FE”, is classified information
and “not even a judicial enquiry will make me break my silence.
Oh, well, if you’re
buying the next round…*……………..”
* Embargoed until midnight (12 midnight)